Football is BACK. Which means that we actually have real sports to talk about and the season for making unnecessary lists is almost over. I’m squeaking this one in right at the buzzer as a public service announcement to any unassuming visitors that may be planning a trip to one of these cities this winter.
Now, these aren’t necessarily the 10 worst cities in Minnesota. They’re the cities that you absolutely do not want to come in contact with if you value your personal safety and mental wellbeing.
Here. We. Go
#10. Kennedy
Gotta be honest here, I don’t know a ton about the city of Kennedy, Minnesota. I do know, however, that if the name Kennedy is involved, you better keep your head on a fucking swivel. No last name has attracted more mysterious deaths throughout the course of modern history. I would’ve put this city much higher on my list given the past circumstances, but fortunately there’s no schoolbook depositories, hotel kitchen hallways, or small-passenger airplanes in this town, so it’s a safe #10.
#9. Badger
This one’s making the list just off pure principle. You cannot have a city in Minnesota named after the Wisconsin mascot, you just can’t. In my brief research of this town, it looks like a complete shithole, which should come as no surprise to anyone. Are the people that live here probably fine? No, not a chance. A name like that has to attract the worst people in the state. Also not a single axe within city limits.
#8. Anoka
Anoka being wayyyy too into Halloween should’ve been a reg flag for us a long time ago. I don’t trust a human if they’re that into a single holiday, let alone a whole fucking town? Nightmares. Also, Anoka is literally the biggest hub for meth in the state. It’s about time they change that nickname. Update the mural.
Fixed it.
#7. Clinton
Much like Kennedy, this is a town you need to avoid just on name alone. No town in Minnesota has a higher body count than Clinton. Is there a chance of getting sucked off in a nice office? Sure. Are you likely to get shot in the back and have it be ruled a suicide? Most definitely. Don’t fuck with Clinton, it always wins.
#6. Saint James
Whoops, that’s a photo of Little Saint James, the Epstein pedophile sex island. Either way, any town with a name that close to the site of countless sexual assaults is better off avoided. It’s no coincidence it’s ranked right by Clinton either. I’m sure the two towns are very familiar with one another. Just check the flight logs.
#5. Truman
By now you see where this is going. Do you want back-to-back nuclear bombs dropped on your head? No? Stay the fuck away from Truman then. Town was named after a guy who was just itching to eliminate entire metropolitan areas as soon as he got the keys.
Side note, he did seem pretty badass in Oppenheimer though. I’ll give him that.
#4. Jackson
Trail of Tears. You get what’s happening here.
#3. Brooklyn Park
Alright, let’s get serious here. Brooklyn Park is actually just terrible. You seriously might want to avoid this one if you’re visiting the Cities. There’s nothing here for you. Only the high chances of becoming the victim of a violent crime.
#2. Stearns County
I’m aware this is not a city but you’re going to want to avoid this entire county as a whole. Leads the state in cousin-cousin marriages, houses St. Cloud and was the leader of anti-mask protests during Covid. What a fucking place. The sheer fact that it is the home of St. Cloud puts it on this list. If you stay outside of county lines, there’s a 0% chance you’ll ever be in St. Cloud, which is the perfect amount.
#1. Duluth
Is there a more overrated city in Minnesota than Duluth? It’s the coldest city in the state, it has extremely mid views compared to the other cities around it and it’s the only city that rivals Anoka in drug trafficking numbers. Have I been personally victimized by someone from Duluth? Yes, but that’s beside the point.
“Oh, but it has a bunch of great bars.” You know what else does? 50 other cities in Minnesota. “The canal is fun to go to.” If you’re a grown adult who looks at ships for a hobby, you shouldn’t be allowed to operate a motor vehicle as you’re probably a danger to public safety. “There’s so much to do downtown.” True, if you’re interested in treking over the icy hills and crack addicts on your walk home in 20-below weather.
If you’re visiting Minnesota and decide to drive up to Duluth for a night, you’re making a grave mistake. Anywhere else but Duluth. Just stay in Saint Paul, go to a Wild game at the X, get absolutely tickled at Tom Reid’s and thank me later.
There she is. Make sure to keep your out-of-state friends informed next time they’re in town. Who got left off the list?
Thank God football is back. This list is so fucking dumb. Skol Vikes.
below average at a few things. bad at a lot of things. Minnesota sports sad boi.