8 Foolproof Ways to Guarantee Kaprizov Signs with the Wild

Hockey NHL Wild

Guys, it’s almost September 1. This means that the totally legitimate threat that Kirill Kaprizov’s agent made about him signing back with CSKA is almost about to happen. I’m really nervous, JJ is literally paralyzed with anxiety, so I compiled a very smart and very serious suggestion bin on how to guarantee Kaprizov signs with the Wild. Again, I cannot over emphasize how serious all of these suggestions are. And how much we all believe that he will sign with CSKA if he can’t get a deal done by September 1.

Oh and before we get too far into it, these suggestions are all assuming this is after we have removed Victor Rask from Kaprizov’s life line.

8. Pay him under the table

Think about it. Craig Leipold is a billionaire. He has businesses that could use the marketing boost of having an endorsement from the most beloved hockey player on either side of the Mississippi. It would be crazy if Kaprizov signs a deal to endorse Ameritel for like… let’s call it $40,000,000 over 4 years. And then he is free to sign with the Wild a modest 5 year, 6 million AAV deal. Win-win. We’ll just hope Gary Bettman doesn’t read this article and see where they got this idea.

7. Buy him an island

We know he’s an outdoorsman. Let’s give him a chance to be outdoors whenever he wants. He likes the cold so there’s probably an uninhabited island off the coast of Canada with a very attractive sounding name that he would love!! That’s probably a cheaper investment than buying like a Caribbean island. Also cannot get over how handsome of a name that is for an island. It must be a great island. Make it happen, Craig.

6. Rename Little Falls into Little Novokuznetsek

The same realm as the island bit, but this time we keep him close to home. Little Falls is a lovely town, but wouldn’t it be more lovely if it had the charms of Kirill Kaprizov’s hometown Novokuznetsk? Plus, how fun would that be to say? Little Novokuznetsek, Minnesota. We’ve all watched a shitload of HGTV since the Pandemic started, let’s put our skills to use and turn an entire town into a lovely Russian village.

5. Give him TWO blowjob buttons

Remember when Giannis told the world he had a blowjob button? Let’s get Kap two of those.

4. Annex St. Paul to Russia, rename it Святой Павел

If you’re iffy on your Russian, that literally translates to St. Paulsburg. I like the East side too, but for Kaprizov I am willing to rebrand it as St. Paulsburg. Obviously, we can’t just rename it as we did with Little Novokuznetsk. We have to full on brand St. Paul. Some of you may not like it…

3. Make a self sustaining sardine farm inside Xcel Energy Center

We all remember that Kaprizov really likes sardines. Let’s make it impossible for him to feel homesick and constantly generate new sardines for him to eat whenever he feels like it. And pierogis. And also his mom can live there if she wants. Also his dad. And Putin, why not. But not Paul Theofanous. He can stay where he is.

2. The Purge

This is exactly what it sounds like. We work with Walz and have him issue into law that once a year Kaprizov and two teammates of his choices are completely absolved from all crime. Literally, it’s the concept of The Purge, but only 3 people get to participate in the crime doing. He’s a sweet kid, though, so he will probably just do something silly like cross state lines with a duck on his head. We know he likes animals!

kaprizov and some wolves

1. Let Kaprizov invest in 10,000 Takes

We may be in a Twitter War with Celine Dion, but we also just added a radio show to our repertoire. I haven’t ran this one by the 10K Founders, but I say Kirill can invest some of the money he will make on his next deal into 10K. We all know 10K is going to the moon, so it’s a very sound investment. We’ve come full circle on paying him under the table! Suck it, Putin, you’re not the only one who can do that!

Plus, who doesn’t love when local superstars invest in their community? Think about it, Kirill. It’s easy money.

Love you Kirill, can’t wait to see you again. And this year, I’ve got your jersey!

Honerable Mentions

  • Unlimited Sweet Marthas Cookies (Great timing, eh?)
  • Free snuggles with Celly
  • Randy Moss Meet & Greet
  • King of the St.Paul Ice Festival
  • Mayor of Minneapolis