Brooks vs Bryson
Well, unless you’ve been living under a fucking rock for the last few days, you should have seen the viral video between golf’s biggest meatheads. Brooks Koepka, a 4x Major Golf Champion, is clearly not a fan of the Beef Nye the pseudoScience guy, Bryson Douche-ambeau. The viral video that leaked earlier this week is just the tip of the iceberg in this sausage fest showdown between two of golf’s most polarizing athletes. Truth be told, anyone that follows golf knows that the Brooks vs Bryson feud has been going on for a very long time. Let’s take a look, starting with the most recent video that damn near broke Twitter this past week.
The Clip
Before we break anything down, I just want to thank whoever leaked that video of gold. You are doing God’s work and the world appreciates you. Alright, now, let’s break this shit down. So much happened in this 45 second clip and I love it all. We all see that Golf Channel’s Todd Lewis was conducting a post-round interview with Brooks Koepka. Brooks has never been one to bite his tongue but holy shit was this good or what? First, while Brooks just stands there waiting for the interview, it took 5 seconds to drop the funniest eye roll I’ve ever seen. This is the type of eye roll you give when you’re at a bar with your boys and one of those drunken chucklefucks stumbles over some innocent girl while trying to order his 7th vodka Red Bull. Clearly very unimpressed with whatever Mickey Mouse shit is going on to his right.
After the eye roll, Brooks comes back to reality after Lewis asks the basic bullshit golf questions. “What were you able to do well to put up that nice number?” Ball striking, scambling, blah blah blah. Fast forward to the :22 second mark of the video and we hear what sounds like a clydesdale walking closer to the shot. However, this isn’t your favorite beer-themed horse. This is 6’1 250-pound Bryson DeChambeau probably talking about the humidity in the air and how he should’ve bladed a 60 degree into the green instead of his 52, or some other shit that was guaranteed to be irrelevant. As Bryson enters the interview shot, we get the SECOND eye roll and this one broke the internet.
Eyeroll #2
Where It All Began
“You can’t out-troll the troll.” Words from the horse’s mouth. The horse being Brooks Koepka in this case. So, where did this feud begin? Anyone who follows golf knows that Bryson is very methodical. Analytical and scientific, some may say. However, with that, comes some slow fucking golf. For Christ sake, he takes 2 minutes to read just about every single putt, whether it’s 8ft or 40ft. Before every iron/wedge shot, the guy has to know the wind mph, wind direction, air humidity, how long the grass is, whatever. Bryson brings the hate upon himself but I truly think he loves it. It also doesn’t help when Barstool’s terrible Fore Play podcast sucks his dick non-stop so that just makes it overkill.
On the other side of the coin, we have Brooks. Brooks is a proven winner (as is Bryson, kinda) and he has no filter, which is something that the armchair golf fan can’t get enough of. He has never been shy to say how he feels and he portrays an alpha personality. Playing fast and dominating Majors is Brook’s bit. It also doesn’t hurt that his fiance, Jena Sims, is very easy on the eyes. It’s definitely never a bad Sunday when Brooks is in contention and we get to see her on the TV screen.
Beef between Brooks & Bryson
After Bryson went on this big health kick and gaining 50-pounds to hit the ball a country mile, he felt the need to comment on Brooks’ 2019 ESPN Body Issue. Despite Bryson’s impressive transformation, it’s extremely uncool, unnecessary, and against Bro-Code to talk about another dude’s body and/or abs. “I don’t know if his genetics even make him look good, to be honest. In a body issue, he didn’t have any abs, I can tell you that. I got some abs.” Bryson wonders why people think he’s a douche? After hearing the hate on his abs, Brooks got his Twitter fingers ready to put Bryson in a body bag:
“The Match” Is Robbing Us of A Proper Brooks vs Bryson Showdown
The PGA remains the biggest cuck of them all. They deprive us of the content that we all desire. Last year they had “The Match” that included Phil Mickelson/Tom Brady vs Tiger Woods/Peyton Manning. This year, they had the perfect chance literally tee’d up (pun very much intended) for them and they fucked it up. Instead of giving the people what they want in Brooks vs Bryson, they kept Phil involved. On top of being on a random ass Tuesday afternoon in July, the PGA could not have screwed this up any worse. People I know, including myself, would pay Pay-Per-View money to watch 18 holes of uncensored golf between those two neanderthals. Not only that, but the amount of money that would be wagered on that matchup would be next-level sports gambling. If the PGA wants to make amends for this monumental fuck up, they can give us that pairing at the US Open next month. They need to lean into it and give us a Brooks vs Bryson matchup on the links, not just on the web.
Golf is Back
Golf has an illustrious tradition and us average golfers love and appreciate those that set the game up for success. The Jack Nicklaus’, Arnold Palmer’s, Sam Snead’s of the golf world. But times have changed and golf needs a change. Fuck the old heads of golf. This is the new brand. Drop bombs, sink long putts, talk a little shit, show some emotion. If you don’t want to hear what a player has to say in the heat of the moment, don’t mic them up. Golf is fucking back and if you don’t like it, go hit the putt-putt course with your grandkids.