Can We Can It With The Sun?

As a Minnesota lifer, I’ve come to terms with living with the various weather that we experience over the course of a year. I think most Minnesotans can agree that we can’t go wrong with the weather most of the time here.

The winter is well…the winter. It’s cold, snowy, the sun goes and hides for like 5 months and it’s just overall shitty. It’s that time of year when you can make fun of the Timberwolves, be disappointed by the Vikings and be way too confident about the Wild.

The fall is gorgeous here for many reasons. You’ve got the leaves changing colors, tailgating, yoga pants, football almost everyday of the week. You can’t beat it.

In the spring you can finally be outside and drink, do whatever the hell you really feel like doing. You’re just happy you don’t have to worry about dying every time you want to drive somewhere.

Then we have summer…and the sun.

Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of good things that come out of summer. Days on the lake, more drinking outside and you might even be able catch a game at Target field watching the Twins lose by double digits.

But these past couple weeks have been fucking terrible.

I’m a person who spends a decent amount of time outside and can’t take it much longer. I walk outside to my truck to go to work in the morning I quickly become pissed off that from that 27 second walk I already got under moob (man boob) sweat. As I crank my A/C in my truck and all you get is just humid hot ass air reminiscent of a fart, I can’t help to wonder how I’m going to survive this SHIT FOR WEEKS!

This heat wave hasn’t only taken a toll on my lawn and skin. It has taken over my life. I literally plan everything around this bitch ass weather.

I start the day by doing literally any work that I need to do outside so that its over with. If it gets past about noonish we’re in big fucking trouble. Kind of like when people say “nothing good happens after midnight.” The same goes for me on these hot ass days but only instead of midnight I’m talking about high noon. If I’m lucky I’m able to avoid the taint sweats and the general irritability towards the world.

I then rush home to my glorious, 69 degree, air conditioned home and bask in all of its glory. After forgetting about the hell that awaits me just outside, the damn local news hits like a lacrosse ball to the nuts. “Heat wave this, heat wave that. We’re all gonna die and it’s fucked.” I then return to my heat induced anxiety state and continue this pattern until October, when we might get a blizzard.

When will it end?

I’m sure people some people out there that love this weather. That’s good for you and you should move to like New Mexico or something like that. I’m a true Minnesotan who loves sunny and 75 (like the Joe Nichols song) in the summer.

If you do find yourself stuck in the sun, perhaps at a Twins or Saints game, please drink some beers to stay cool. Perhaps an IPA. Perhaps enough to create a giant cup snake.

To all my cooler weather loving friends: keep cool and stay strong!