Caribou Coffee, It’s Time to Break Up

Entertainment Everything Else Food

It’s my day off today. I woke up, did 10,000 push ups, made a protein shake and thought, “hey, you know what? Let’s give Caribou Coffee another try! I could really go for a good iced coffee and breakfast sandwich right now!”

Excited and optimistic, I backed out of my driveway in my Honda Civic, threw on some new LANY, and headed for town to my local Caribou.

As I pull into the Caribou parking lot, it’s 10:07 AM and there is no line whatsoever. If you’re not familiar with the North Branch area, that is a rarity. I happily jumped first in line at the drive-thru and begin scouring the menu for what is surely going to be a wonderful breakfast and start to my morning.

I am greeted by a very kind woman. We engage in casual Minnesota talk, she asks me if I’m a “Perks member.” I say no and proceed to place my order: a Cold Press with a half shot of vanilla and a turkey sausage, egg, and cheddar breakfast sandwich on a biscuit. I pull ahead and can barely contain my excitement.

As I arrive to the next window, I pay for my coffee and sandwich. Both are handed to me with delicacy and care. I place both items where they need to be, put the new LANY record back on, do a little dance, send my girlfriend a snap, put the Civic in drive and begin the drive back home.

that moment when you're about to drink some caribou coffee

Then, I take the first sip…

WARNING: THESE NEXT PARAGRAPHS MAY CREATE GRAPHIC IMAGES

The first thing my palate is introduced to is an overwhelming amount of vanilla. The next is a horrible sour taste that I will never be able to un-taste. As I somehow manage to get it down my gullet, I set the coffee down and re-coop.

With my next move, I pull the straw up near the top, as I am thinking that maybe all of the vanilla just settled at the bottom and that’s what caused the horrendous first sip. I go back in for the second sip… I am once again treated to that terrible sour taste. Next up, is a finish of burnt firewood and bark.

What the hell is going on???

I finally reach a red light on my journey and begin to stir the coffee like my life depends on it. I take a deep breath. It is time for the third sip… I need to try again… third time is the charm, right?

FUCKING WRONG!!! OVERWHELMING VANILLA. EGREGIOUS SOURNESS. BURNT FIREWOOD. CHARRED BARK. WHAT’S UP LITTLE BEACH!!!

me hiding the pain of forcing caribou coffee down my gullet

I set the “coffee” back down. I am upset, I am disappointed and I am defeated. In what was once a day filled with endless opportunity is now a day of regret.

As I pull into my driveway with my spirits shattered, I enter the house. I set the coffee down on the island, along with the uneaten breakfast sandwich that is a mere object to me at this point in time. I reach into the cupboard and pull out a brand new container of espresso dark roast from Costco and fire up the trusty Hamilton Beach.

My next move, is a move of a lifetime. I grab the Caribou “coffee,” remove the lid, and dump that liquid poison down the kitchen sink with a look of deadness and disappointment in my eyes.

Five minutes later, the fresh pot of Costco espresso is ready. I fill a cup with ice, pour the quality coffee over the top, and take a sip. And in that moment I realized…

Caribou Coffee, we need to break up. It’s not me, it’s you.

For the next couple weeks, I’ll get my coffee at the State Fair.