Five Things I’d Rather Do Than Water Ski in January

Remember when we built the World’s Largest Cup Snake and Booger McFarland gave us shit for living in the tundra and having nothing better to do?

Well the guy who decided to water ski in January just made a man who took too many hits to the head look correct. Although just because Booger was right not wrong about Minnesotan cold, it’s not going to get him his job on Monday Night Football back…

ONLY IN MINNESOTA: Water skiing in subzero temperatures? Just another New Year's Day in our great state. (credit: Mike Thibault) pic.twitter.com/UWDCFFydj3

— WCCO – CBS Minnesota (@WCCO) January 2, 2022

I heard this happened on Lake Superior and frankly I’m not surprised. What kind of psychopath attempts this or what kind of foreign technology allows a human to do this without instantly freezing to death? And if you think about it…At least TWO people had to agree to this, maybe three. Someone had to drive the boat while another person took the video. All while a bigger hardo than the “Shorts in January guy” trails behind the boat, completely out of sight because it’s that cold…

While you were hungover on New Year’s Day, these guys were doing this. Just think about that for a second…

Here are five things I would rather do than water ski in the middle of January in sub zero temperatures

Go to Prison

A guy like me would not survive in prison…I would probably make the a witty comment to the wrong guy on day one and find myself shanked in the cafeteria…Looking back on it, people who decide to go water skiing in the middle of January probably belong in prison, sheltered from the rest of society. While I think I would handle prison as well as those middle schoolers in the A&E TV show “Scared Straight”, at least there would be heat in cell block A.

Take the ACT

The worst test known to man…the ACT. A five hour long test that measures your knowledge of math, science, english, reading, and REASONING, which the man in the video above would score a fat 0. Because there is absolutely no reason you need to be doing that kind of activity in January.

Go Shopping for Flowers

Have you ever gone shopping for flowers with your mom or girlfriend? It might be one of the most boring activities I have ever participated in. And for me, knowing they are going to die and we will have to repeat this process all over again in two weeks, defeats the whole purpose. Remember that comedian Demetri Martin? He had it right. “Here, you watch these die. Because I like you.” While looking at plants for hours on end sucks, it sounds better than doing something that makes the polar plunge look like a cake walk.

Water Ski in the Summer

This one seems obvious, but it’s still valid. I would rather water ski during the time of year when water skiing is meant to happen, when it’s 80 degrees without a cloud in the sky. I’ve never actually water skied \before, but if it’s anything like my skating abilities, I will probably find myself falling a lot and have broken ankles by the end of the day.

Watch Hallmark Christmas Movies on Repeat Until I Die

Hallmark movies are the absolute worst. They are shot with the same mediocre level of production quality and they all have the same plot. Some guy/gal who hates Christmas and makes a lot of money ends up flipping a total 180 due to some catastrophic event (snowstorm, death in the family) right around Christmas. The fact that someone funds these films and they are all the same blows my mind. As terrible as they all are, I would rather be strapped to a chair and be forced to watch every single one on a loop rather than freezing to death in one of the most terrifying bodies of water in the US.

Minnesotans are a strange breed, man. Right when you think the stereotypes about us aren’t true, the human snowman makes the population believe otherwise…stay warm everybody.