The Holiday Cheat Code: Make Them Cream

Everything Else

Don’t look now, but this shitshow of a year is almost over. It’s been an absolute rollercoaster from the jump and has had more downs than ups for a lot of people. Before we close the books on 2020 forever though, there’s one more hurdle to get over:

The Holidays

If you’re a procrastinator, then you probably haven’t thought about what to buy this year. If you’re a seasoned pro at putting things off like myself, I can almost guarantee you haven’t even thought about who to buy for. I used to find myself in this boat every year, but recently I cracked the code. I am here to share that knowledge and give you a foolproof plan of attack.

The Silver Bullet

Let me be clear here, I’m not talking about Coors Light. Although it’s a great lawnmower and tailgating beer, it’s not for everybody. I’m referring to one gift that covers all bases and is a hit every Christmas. A gift that’s both bought and made, and something that can be done in 10 minutes. As a bonus, this one requires almost no wrapping for those of you who are lacking gift wrapping skills. The answer may seem unconventional, but this year at Christmas, you should make everyone creamHomemade Irish Cream.

Put some cream in your Christmas sack

Almost everybody in an office setting is now working from home and coffee is still a staple. Without any nosey coworkers to tattle on you, why not add a little pick-me-up to your cup? It tastes better than all those other creamers and makes your mandatory meetings more tolerable. Beatrice in accounting won’t stand a chance when you’re on your A-game with this.

What You Need

The shopping list for this is so simple and painfully obvious that it hurts. Half of the ingredients are in the name for Christ’s sake. To save you from the first 3 google results, which are all the same, they’re outlined below.

Irish Whiskey: 1+2/3 Cups
Heavy Cream: 1 Cup
Sweetened Condensed Milk: 14oz (1 can)
Chocolate Syrup: 3 Tbsp
Vanilla Extract: 1 tsp
Instant Coffee: 1 tsp
Almont Extract: 1 tsp ***Optional***

*I think you’re a psychopath if you like the smell of Almond extract, but you do you*

How To Make It

If you thought the shopping list was easy and obvious, this will blow your mind. All you have to do it mix it all together. That’s it. If you’ve ever been to a bar for someone’s 21st birthday, you’ll know it’s pretty important to mix the whiskey in to the cream carefully, but don’t worry, I’ll walk you through this too. Just throw everything else in a blender, turn it on low, and pour the whiskey in slow. Boom, you’re done! How simple was that?


This is the step where you can be as boujee as you want. Some people online swear by bottles with gasket lids, but that requires either a steady hand or a funnel and thanks to sneaking pulls from the Irish Whiskey, I have neither. I’m a function-over-fashion guy myself, so I always opt for a mason-jar. They’re easy to find, re-sealable, and (most importantly in 2020) instagramable. Don’t stop there though, throwing a simple bow on the top or wrapping some twine around the lid will have people thinking so much more went into it. People are suckers for a bow, it’s ridiculous. Grab some gift tags to tie up with it and you’re gonna be the talk of the town. If you’re a try-hard or want to really go above and beyond, try some of these ideas out.

Not Bad, Kinda Boujee

Nothing is worse than getting a gift that you’ll never use or one that turns out to be a chore. Unlike a gift card, you don’t even have to leave the house to use this. You can also trick the in laws into thinking that you’re actually competent in the kitchen too. Most importantly, I don’t know a goddamn person who turns down an Irish coffee in the morning…especially when you’re around family for extended periods.

Telling someone you’re going to make them cream usually ends in disappointment, but not when you give this out. There are a ton of other benefits that come along with giving this gift, but the best of all is that you’ll get to enjoy it too. Make your girl cream first, thank me later.