Did you google “how to lose weight fast”? Yeah, me too. Back in 2020, right when Covid started, I was in the WORST shape of my life by a fucking landslide. It’s safe to say that I was a grade “A” piece of shit. I ate like shit, felt like shit (both physically & mentally) and even my shits felt like shit aka daily diarrhea.
Well I hate to break it to ya, but there unfortunately isn’t a way to lose a significant amount of weight fast. That’s the honest, brutal truth. It’s not easy at all quite frankly but don’t get discouraged, YOU CAN FUCKING DO IT. I lost over 50lbs in a year (and kept it off) and I’ll share how I was able to do it. Obviously since I’m a blogger (sweet), I’m not a medical professional whatsoever. Shocking, I know. Enough about my bitchass, let’s get into it.
CONSISTENCY
THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT “FAST”. I’M WRITING THIS IN ALL CAPS ON PURPOSE BECAUSE IF YOU TAKE AWAY 1 THING FROM THIS BLOG, IT SHOULD BE TO STAY CONSISTENT. DOING SOMETHING IS BETTER THAN NOTHING. HOLDING MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE WAS THE MAIN REASON I WAS ABLE TO GET BACK IN SHAPE. THERE WILL BE DAYS WHERE YOU DON’T WANT TO DO SHIT. DON’T CARE. PUMP OUT 10 PUSH-UPS AND 10 SIT-UPS. IT’S NOT MUCH BUT IT’S SOMETHING TO HANG YOUR HAT ON AT THE END OF THE DAY.
Believe in yourself
This sounds corny as fuck but this is CRUCIAL!! You have to trust and believe in yourself that (Rob Schneider voice) “you can do it”.
‘Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right.’
Henry Ford
Henry Ford may have been a closet Nazi but DAMN does this quote hit home for me. Gotta get your mental game strong.
NO BOOZE!!!!!
Not going to lie, putting down the booze was hard as hell for me. If you completely eliminate booze from your life, you will be amazed how much weight you’ll lose. In the 1st month of getting my ass back in shape, I lost 12lbs and let me tell ya, it wasn’t because I was working out. There’s a reason alcohol companies don’t put nutritional values on the cans…
Caloric Deficit
YOU WILL NOT LOSE WEIGHT IF YOU EAT MORE CALORIES THAN YOU BURN OFF!!! Plain and simple. You consume 5000 calories in a day, you need to burn off 5001 to lose weight. It’s not rocket science although it might be as hard. You NEED to be disciplined more than anything.
Ease into it
START OUT SLOW. You’re not being realistic if you think you’re going to start losing weight by going to the gym 5 times a week. That’s literally going from 0 to 100. You’ll burnout before you even get started. I’d start with 2-3 times a week for the first 2 months. After your grace period, shoot for 3-5 times a week.
Find a workout that’s actually fun!
For me, it was boxing. Find something FUN to get a workout in so it doesn’t feel like a workout. Yoga. Pickleball. Hockey. Running. SOMETHING to trick you mind to think that you’re not actually working out. There’s so many options to burn calories you really don’t have an excuse not to be active.
Sleep
Turns out you BURN calories sleeping. Sweet. Do your best to get 8 hours. Then once you wake up, crush a water.
Intermittent Fast
I feel like when people hear “intermittent fast” they think you’re starving yourself. NOT TRUE. Just skip breakfast. This will help you achieve a caloric deficit. Just have to get used to it. I personally eat at noon and 6:30pm.
Taste the rainbow
What do I mean by this? Eat a colorful diet. You should feel like Bobby Ross painting an autumn sunset making your meals. My own rule of thumb was “have enough color on your plate that if you were to mix them all together, like paint, it would make poopy brown”. Bobby wouldn’t approve but your digestive system will.
(Editor’s Note: For the love of god, please understand he means natural colors and not food coloring.)
Drink water like a fish
Remember in high school when you saw a wrestler walking around with a gallon of water? That’s you now. You should be pissing 8 times a day you’re drinking so much water. Like borderline bladder infection numbers. Your piss should look like the water you’re consuming.
Get Adderall
Hopefully you actually read the beginning of the blog where I stated “I am not a medical professional whatsoever”. I’d be an absolute LIAR & HYPOCRITE if I said adderall didn’t help me lose weight. Now it wasn’t the main reason why I lost over 50lbs but holy fuck did it ever help.
Limit 1 cheat meal per month
Ever heard of the term “YOLO”? You only live once guys, so it’s ok to treat yourself as you work your fuckin bag off losing weight. It’s ok to mix in a cheat meal. The key is to limit how many you do. This isn’t even remotely an exaggeration, multiple cheat meals can set you back WEEKS. Don’t penalize yourself by stuffing your face with a mac & cheese bread bowl from Panera 10 times a month even if they rock your world.
Stop eating like an asshole!!!!
Seriously, you need to stop crushing Cheez-Its. You need to stop getting Big Macs at McDicks. You need to stop eating like an asshole. Not going to bullshit you, eating healthy BLOWS. No doubt about it but guess what, it’s way easier to maintain your weight once you realize how hard it is to lose weight if that makes sense.
Buy a Renpho Scale
Hey Renpho, how bout a sponsorship? My good friend/college roommate Justin, put me on this scale and it’s the tits. Below you can see all the measurements it calculates which is so sick. Make sure to weigh yourself in your birthday suit to get the best real results.
I’m here to help
I’m dead fucking serious. If you want help/are serious about getting in shape, need an accountabilibuddy, I’m your man. I can’t even begin to tell you how much better I feel about myself since I lost a 3rd grade Sarge off my frame. My only stipulation is that you share your progress with me. You want a workout plan? I got you. Meal plan? I’ll give you a week’s worth of meal plans (no recipes, my mommy & daddy cook for me).
There’s no better time than now
The holidays are rapidly approaching. The whole New Year’s resolutions bullshit NEVER FUCKING WORKS. How many times have you said “new year, new me”? Hopefully 0 but quit stalling. That’s just a big fat excuse. No more bullshit.
You’ll never get the ass you want by sitting on it
Confucius
AUTHOR NOTE: Since I got skinny, I’m AMAZED how much less belly button lint I find. When I was fat, it was like my belly button was hoarding enough lint for a rainy day.
Lead guitarist of the RockBand band, COViD KiDS |
2 time Diverticulitis haver |
Addicted to snus and “your mom” jokes |
Was told by my gym teacher, Mr. Dewitt, that I wouldn’t amount to anything in life. Suck it Dewitt, I’m a blogger!!