How to win a street fight

How to Win a Street Fight

Everything Else

If you happen to be googling how to win a street fight it’s for one of three reasons. You’re either making a last-ditch effort to write the script for your David vs Goliath storyline, you’re Kyle Anderson after this weekend’s altercation, or you just want to be prepared for when the inevitable happens…

You are about to get into a physical altercation. Time to see what you’re made of. Now, before you read further, keep in mind this is about winning the fight. You may find these methods rather “unconventional” but these methods will lead you on the path to victory in your street fight.

Disclaimer: I do not condone being the one doing the street fighting. It’s always such a buzzkill whenever everyone’s having a great time and a fight starts. Unless you have a perfect view of the fight and it’s 2 random guys so you have no skin in the game. Then it’s awesome. Anyway, time for the first tip.

1) Don’t Fight

Fact, you can’t lose a fight if you never get into one. You should do everything in your power to avoid fighting. You never know who you could be up against. For instance, fighting a former or current wrestler is straight nightmare fuel. I can’t think of any worse feeling than to be getting dropped on my head and treated like a ragdoll.

2) Ask Them To Kiss You

Believe it or not, I witnessed this move during the fall semester of 2013 in Mankato while visiting a dear friend. I thought I was about to see a street fight but what I saw was a total mind fuck that still has me feeling like I watched Inception for the 1st time.

These 2 gentlemen were nose to nose ready to throw down when one of them goes “You think you’re fuckin’ tough? KISS ME!!”. The other guy was speechless, so much so that it completely resolved the situation. He put his mind in an Auntie Anne’s pretzel with 2 extra sides of cheese. Probably the most alpha move I’ll ever see. Or maybe you’ll try this alpha move…

3) Get Naked

You may think I’m crazy, but now you can see I’m NUTS?! Who would think of getting naked in a street fight? A guy who wants to win, that’s who. Seriously though, take a second to think about it. Imagine you’re about to square up with some dude, who then proceeds to get completely naked, are you really going to fight him? The fuck you are.

That’s straight-up psychotic behavior that would be so intimidating to experience in real life. This is why getting naked in a street fight is exactly how to win one. The saying “expect the unexpected” does not apply to this power move. Legitimate trump card.

4) Twist His Dick

Yes sir, give ’em the ole dick twist! This is the dirtiest of dirty moves you can do in a street fight other than sticking your finger up a bh (butthole). I disapprove of penis contortion, but there’s no denying it’s a finishing move.

I will say, if you pull this move it better be life or death. That’s the only situation to twist that dick or else you’re a total scumbag. Such a dick move.

5) Self Urination

Sometimes you have to get a little dirty if you want to win which peeing your pants requires. If you’ve sized up your opponent and know you have no chance, skip the bathroom. Just piss those pants baby. You may have to deal with a bit of embarrassment for a few months, maybe even years. But at least you’ll be able to say you won a fight without throwing a punch. No way anyone is fighting someone as cool as Miles Davis.

6) Throw Straight Punches

Everyone and their mother that doesn’t know how to actually fight will throw big, looping shots. Most likely a poorly thrown right haymaker from heck, not hell, because they never read this blog. Thankfully, you did and if you want to win this fight, you’re throwing straight punches.

Think of straight punches as shortcuts on the highway to hell to that hypothetical poor bastard’s face. When throwing punches you want the shortest distance to your target aka a straight path. Big looping shots take too long to land and throwing straight punches is how you win a street fight. You don’t want to look like Rudy Gobert vs Kyle Anderson. Now bow to your sensei!