I Defected From My Amish Community

Entertainment Everything Else

Rumspringa 2021, the year I turned 16. I became a man in the eyes of my Amish Community. But I also became a traitor. You see, I went from churning butter with Mother to using the Google machine to look up what you outsiders call “pornography.” Truly amazing stuff. All those long hours practicing proper churning technique came in real handy!!

And now, just one year later, I am an accomplished writer for a prestigious media outlet and I use the “Internet” every day. Mother would be proud if she knew what any of those words meant.

Papa took this picture of me before Rumspringa 2021
The exact moment I knew I was never looking back
You bet your sweet ass I roller skate

Don’t Tell Mother I Fibbed

Ok, maybe I didn’t actually defect from an Amish community, however I did have THE best Halloween costume last year.  Halloween is legitimately my favorite holiday. I’m taking it over Christmas, Thanksgiving and even Independence Day.  There’s something about going all out for Halloween that just hits different. Similar to butter that you churned yourself.

I went to a costume party last year as Mose and people actually thought I was Amish. Uhhhh last time I checked, we were both at a COSTUME PARTY on HALLOWEEN you pea brain.  Some people’s kids are just absolute morons but I digress.

Seeing people’s reaction inspired me to go all out on costumes for eternity and you should too.  I’m thinking this could be either an Abraham Lincoln or Fred Durst year.  Tough decision. Maybe this could be the year I finally pull off the comeback kid himself, Mr. Jesus Christ.

Are you looking for Halloween costume ideas? Maybe you and two other friends could go as Dr. Evil, Mini Me and Austin Powers. Back in the early 2000’s my brother, best friend G and I pulled this off! Shout out to Mother for taking the time to make our costumes!

Halloween 2003

AUTHOR NOTE: If the Amish ever discover massage parlors they could run a hell of a rub ‘n’ tug. Lord have mercy.