I Hope Minnesota Always Loses

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As we watch the Tom Brady march is way to what seems to be ANOTHER championship, it’s easy to wish that Minnesota sports would find that type of success. Watching the championship parades and celebrations look like they must be an incredible time—but I hope we never get one. I hope Minnesota always loses.

If it’s some rule that everyone must hate winners, because they do, the entire world has to love Minnesota sports.

If we’re going to continue to vilify athletes and franchises for their successes, the Pohlad’s deserve a statue for ensuring baseball purgatory for 30 years.

The Minnesota United seems like a more interesting team now because they ALMOST won a championship. The Minnesota Lynx would have sold more tickets if they lost every championship. They don’t feel like one of us now because actually winning isn’t something we do.

Why would we want to win? What do we gain from that? Do you remember when the Cubs were cool? The Red Sox? It’s interesting watching teams like the Browns in the playoffs because they’ve always sucked. Being just good enough to give us all hope that we might be great has molded us into who we are and we must protect it.

My self-confidence is extremely fragile, I assume I’m never good enough, and that I will fail at anything I try. This has made me work as hard as possible for literally anything I’ve done. Do you think kids in Boston grow up working hard? Of course not. All they’ve been shown is success. They don’t know heartbreak like we do.

When does anyone in Minnesota ever think something is going to work?

A plague of pessimism permeates the fabric of this state and as frustrating as it can be, it makes us better. Minnesotans are exemplary are figuring out what could go wrong well before it does which means we enter every situation completely prepared for a multitude of outcomes.

Let’s be honest here. When Blair Walsh missed that 27-yard field goal in whatever year it was, it wasn’t surprising. The rest of the NFL watched in disbelief but there wasn’t a single person in Minnesota that was shocked by this outcome. Plenty of disappointment but him missing is how things work here. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. And frankly, it’s more fun that way anyway.

We all knew right at this moment what was going to happen. WE ALL KNEW.

The Vikings weren’t going to win the Super Bowl that year and I would have forgotten about a 27-yard game-winner in the wildcard round. I’ll never forget watching the ball sail 54 yards in the wrong direction.

The Minnesota Twins playoff losing streak is arguably more impressive than anything else in sports. It’s damned near statistically impossible and yet nobody in this state is remotely surprised by it.

Each team in Minnesota is teaching us valuable lessons with their discontent towards winning.

The Minnesota Twins have taught us the value of money.

Ignoring the two times the Minnesota Twins haven’t been a complete failure, everyone in Minnesota knows how great so many of the Twins teams of the past could have been great if the Pohlads’ would have just spent a little more money. We’ve all been shown that being cheap never gets you where you want to go and this is a lesson we would have never learned if we were Yankees fans.

The Minnesota Timberwolves have taught us the value of cherishing a moment.

At least for the other teams on this list, we’ve had multiple instances where it felt like there was a sliver of a chance for success. The Minnesota Timberwolves have been an absolute trash can for almost their entire existence but because of how fun the few two good seasons they had were, I still have a great love for them. I just keep wanting to get back to that moment.

Forever chasing the high of watching the Timberwolves play good, meaningful basketball.

The Minnesota Wild has taught us the value of family.

Is there anything more Minnesotan than hockey? I guess Minnesotans playing hockey in Minnesota is more Minnesotan. So it comes as no surprise when previous regimes of the Minnesota Wild have prioritized bringing in players with Minnesota ties rather than players who were, you know, actually good. Family is important, and here in Minnesota after you’ve laced the skates in -24 degree weather just once, you’re in the Minnesota family for life. #OneOfUs!!

The Minnesota Vikings have taught us the value of hope.

Every year we pretend like destiny is not determined and fate is a façade. We do this because of hope. The Vikings aren’t going to win a Super Bowl but we tell lies to ourselves every year anyway. We give ourselves hope and this allows us to enjoy the season and have fun even though we know heartbreak is promised. Being a Minnesota Vikings fan is like owning a pet. We love nothing more but when the inevitable happens we’re left completely broken and hallow… until we buy a new pet.

The Minnesota Lynx taught us the value of losing.

Listen, I’m not ripping on the Lynx. I love the team, the games are super fun. I love the positive vibes and overall messaging from them, but having a team that was dominant in town felt wrong. We like to spend our time talking about the good ol’ days of Gopher hockey and how we once had a cool thing. Not about how we actually have a cool thing. Honestly it’s pretty on brand for Minnesota that they absolutely dominated but now that other cities care about the WNBA (a good thing!!!) they can’t make it back to the top.

We’re Minnesota nice because we’ve never had anything nice. Why ruin a good thing? Maybe the real happiness from sports is the friends we made along the way?

Related: What if the Minnesota Vikings Drafted Tom Brady?