Last Thanksgiving seemed to be like any other. Arrived at my aunt & uncle’s domicile at 3pm, stuffed my face with delicious food and was napping on the couch by 5pm watching football. Ya know, the usual. However last year I made a grave mistake. I overindulged on foods that I KNEW would upset my tummy, macaroni & cheese and bread topped with artichoke dip. A recipe for a disaster in my pants. My thought process was something like this, “Sarge it’s Thanksgiving for god sakes, treat yourself, just be careful”.
As a man who has sharted 20+ times as an adult (this is probably on the low end of the spectrum sadly), I’ve “learned” what foods to stay away from. It’s any type of bread or cheese. The 2 best foods. IT FUCKING SUCKS! Literally all the best foods have both bread and/or cheese in them and they make BH (butthole) quiver. Essentially any carb, which is basically the entire spread at Thanksgiving, creates a Mount Vesuvius type of eruption for me the next day. UNLESS I do what I did last year… say fuck it and just send it.
4pm sharp. I purposely skipped lunch so I could go ham (pun intended) and eat until I felt like I was going to throw up like a true American. I fill my plate with the usual, turkey, taters w/gravy, ham etc. As I get to the “danger zone” it was as if there was a devil and an angel on each of my shoulders if I should add macaroni & cheese as well as bread with artichoke dip to my plate.
Obviously I’m adding that to my plate, are you kidding me? What could go wrong….
About a half hour later my belly is VERY upset. WHAT HAVE I DONE!? WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS!? Of course, I don’t have any of my prescription loperamide (extra strength antidiarrheal pills) on hand. I make my way to the bathroom for a test run. Pass with flying colors. False alarm. I’m in the clear! So I thought…
Just after my 5pm nap, it happens. I felt so confident in that fart. The 24 other ones were released harmlessly, didn’t even smell. However, the 25th came with a lil extra. I raced to the bathroom to check the damage and sure as shit, I sharted on Thanksgiving. To my surprise, it wasn’t THAT bad! An early Christmas miracle one might say.
“Never trust a fart”A very smart person
I immediately went to work, I’ve been here before but never in a family setting. Luckily, my aunt & uncle buy the high quality shit tickets so I was able to get them wet and erase the Thanksgiving shart off the planet. It’s like it never happened!
Not long after I said my goodbyes and drove off into the sunset without a single family member knowing what happened. Until they read this blog.
Lead guitarist of the RockBand band, COViD KiDS |
2 time Diverticulitis haver |
Addicted to snus and “your mom” jokes |
Was told by my gym teacher, Mr. Dewitt, that I wouldn’t amount to anything in life. Suck it Dewitt, I’m a blogger!!