You may think I’m insane for claiming that I’m a better athlete than Anthony Edwards but you need to hear me out! I’m not going to pretend that he isn’t bigger, faster, stronger and gifted with vastly superior genetics (but not better looks). HOWEVER, I am 100% confident that I would be able to mop the floor with him in these sports without a doubt in my mind.
Hockey
I was never considered a great hockey player by any means but he can’t even skate. Not a chance in hell he could keep up with ya boy, even if he trained for 5 years straight. His jockstrap would be hanging in the rafters after I toe drag him. I’m a 2005 A peewee state champion for Christ sakes (would be considered AA now)! Shit, any 12 year old peewee would do the same. Huge advantage to me.
Baseball
I did not play much baseball growing up but I may or may not have been on the 12 year old all-star team in my final year (big deal). From the little research I’ve done on Anthony Edwards’ athletic background (wikipedia of course) he’s never played in his life. Advantage me. (Editor’s note: Sarge isn’t aware that Ant was [allegedly] very good at baseball).
Boxing
I know exactly what you’re thinking. How in the fuck could a 6’2′ 165lb lanky ass white dude outbox Anthony Edwards who’s a 6’5″ 225lb physical specimen? He must be smoking the same weed as Cale Makar when he claimed Colorado was the state of hockey. Well, it comes down to 2 things. It’s not a street fight so he can’t ragdoll me to the ground (I’d take him 99 out of 100 times and the one time I’d smoke a pipe of PCP to become a super human) and I have real amateur boxing experience/training which MATTERS. You also probably think it wouldn’t matter if he had training or not which I completely understand. BUT you also most likely have 0 fighting experience.
Boxing isn’t called the sweet science for nothing. You need to know distance control, angles, how to set up your punches, proper footwork and by far the most important aspect, CONDITIONING. If you’ve never been in a fight, you have no fucking IDEA how tiring fighting is. It’s just something you have to experience to understand. Anthony Edwards doesn’t know anything about fighting and I bet he doesn’t even know what it’s like to be punched in the face or body (BODY PUNCHES HURT SO MUCH MORE). I do.
If you’re one of those jabronis that thinks “size matters in a fight” just watch this boxing match of Shaq vs Oscar De La Hoya.
Lacrosse
Lacrosse is a sport that you may think is easy to pick up. You’re wrong. The stick skills required to play take way more time than you think. I played lacrosse goalie like an absolute psycho but before making the transition I played attack. I will say I’d have a hell of a time going up against him one on one. He’s so much faster than me but if I played goalie, not a fucking chance he’s getting one past me. I’d bet my life that Anthony Edwards would either shoot the ball straight into the ground or sail it over the goal. Once again, advantage me.
Fishing
I’m not entirely sure if fishing even counts as a sport but for the sake of this blog, it is. I’d be shocked if Anthony Edwards could even tie a proper fishing knot therefore wouldn’t be able to even cast a lure. Not even a debate here.
Long Distance Running
Anthony Edwards is an EXPLOSIVE athlete there’s no denying that. Anything that involves quick explosive movements, besides boxing, advantage Ant-Man but you’re reading the blog of a long distance runner. Brag, I run MINIMUM 10 miles a week averaging about 6:45 per mile. I typically run 2-3 miles as a warmup before working out (yeah, I’m such a badass). My best mile run on record is 5:05 but that was in high school. I feel extremely confident that I could run a similar time right now if we were to race on a track. Ant-Man is obviously in phenomenal shape but long distance running is a different type of conditioning. The longer the race, the more I pull away. Once again, I’ve found myself with the edge.
Golf
If you haven’t read my first blog, I’m Sarge and I Like to Party, you should go read that ASAP. In that blog you can see that I’m a 9.8 handicap. If you were to search Matt Sargent at Braemar Golf Course on the official GHIN website, you will see that my average score is 86.2. Anthony Edwards doesn’t have a fucking chance in hell beating me even on my worst day on the course. I’d have to play right-handed in order for him to have even the slightest chance.
Be sure to leave a comment to let me know how delusional I am. Best part is I don’t give 2 shits what you think. I’m a better athlete than Anthony Edwards.
Editor’s Note: All this is so much funnier with the context of Ant’s interview and confidence below
Lead guitarist of the RockBand band, COViD KiDS |
2 time Diverticulitis haver |
Addicted to snus and “your mom” jokes |
Was told by my gym teacher, Mr. Dewitt, that I wouldn’t amount to anything in life. Suck it Dewitt, I’m a blogger!!