This year, the year of our lord 2023, had no trick or treaters and that’s because Mariah Carey killed Halloween. What was once a canon event in every child’s life is now gone. You Christmas loving, Mariah Carey humping, Santa Clause dick-riders have finally done it. Your incessant need to push that peppermint bullshit earlier and earlier into the year has ruined another good thing. I hope you’re happy.
The first sign of trouble was when Thanksgiving was whitewashed from the history books…again. There was once bright, fall-colored decorations around the holiday where people were celebrating the season at hand. Now we now have cheap, glitter-filled faux snow garbage. Maybe it’s me as a Minnesotan, but the glorious maroons and golds that grace the fall tablecloths and garlands should be left out as long as possible before being replaced by that hideous buffalo plaid. If you’re sick of seeing an early exit for those colors, quit being a part of the problem!
This war on fall colors doesn’t stop there either. Do you remember when life was still good? When that creeping darkness didn’t consume your thoughts preventing dopamine from being released in your skull? Yes, back when the glorious and perfect NHL logo was still Orange and Black? That too was taken from us in the assault on warm tones in this country, but you all are either too blind to see it or complacent observers.
Turncoats at 10K
Even within our own proverbial walls here at 10K, there are sheeple flaming the fire that’s consuming fall festivities. Let this be a lesson to everyone, oftentimes the ones to hurt you the most are those closest to you. Austan wrote THIRTY ONE separate Halloween blogs. A horror film review for every day in the month. Then what does he do THE MINUTE he wakes up on November First? He transforms into Benedict Arnold and posts Christmas propaganda.
Et tu Nick Lewis? The man who claims to have a valid opinion on the 37 Best Halloween Candies is simply another Christmas industry plant. His opinions and rankings on the state fair food options and chips would lead you to believe that he’s one of the “good guys”. That’s apparently a bigger front than Emperor Palpatine’s Galactic Senate run.
Halloween: From Scary and Delightful to Sad and Depressed
For those who think that this isn’t a “local” problem, you are (once again) wrong. Residents in Edina should be INNUNDATED with lines of kids trying to get their fair share of sweets. Those neighborhoods housing all of the dentists, doctors, and lawyers in the twin cities were once FILLED with kids carrying around bags of full sized candy bars and Rolex watches. Now they’re a barren wasteland of nothingness where you can literally hear the fans on the inflatable decorations. Sad.
For the Crowd Without TikTok
If you’re a millennial or geriatric who’s incapable of figuring out TikTok or afraid of the repercussions of having fun because of what people might think, I’ve got some videos to show you. Every one of them more sad than the previous. HUNDREDS of people posting about wanting to provide joy and happiness to the kids in their neighborhood, but having nobody show up.
The Reason for no Trick or Treaters
While there are probably many contributing factors for there being no Trick or Treaters anymore, there’s one that stands out from all the rest. Trunk or Treat. It is by far and away is THE WORST thing to happen to American neighborhoods since the invention of speed bumps.
Growing up, I had a neighbor who would sit in his shorts in the back yard and “talk to Poland” on a radio the size of a dorm room mini-fridge. There was a bomb shelter lined with used tires buried is his back yard with a barbed wire course you had to navigate to access it. Everyone “thought” he was crazy and they were terrified of him. If it weren’t for the dares to knock on the door when Halloween came around, nobody would ever know that he lived with a saint of a mother who loved seeing the neighborhood kids. That doesn’t exist anymore.
There is no comradery between the kids planning the route(s) to take. There’s no tomfoolery leading to uncontrollable belly-laughs shared by a group. There is one less excuse and opportunity to run into friends on the street and catch up. Everyone is isolated, staying with the same people they see every day because Halloween has become a footnote holiday. It’s been reduced to a day that you just have to get through on your way to Christmas. Instead of being regarded as one of the best nights of the year, it’s a forgettable evening spent in a parking lot.
Halloween is Dead and You Helped Mariah Kill It
I remember the joy that Halloween brought to me and so many others. I’ll always remember those good times and be able to tell the stories. Unfortunately, much like the Western Black Rhino, memories and stories is all we’ll have. Just know, if you’re posting about Christmas on November first…this is your fault. Mariah Carey KILLED Halloween and you helped her.
I’ve been hit by cars three times, which is an indication of how stubborn I am.
I write about everything across the board, but focus on Hockey and the pain that is Minnesota sports.
Argue with me on Twitter: @venividiveech