You wake up every morning to that damn iPhone alarm beeping its beeps into the depths of your soul. You spread your eyelids apart one at a time, fighting a pain worse than childbirth to keep them open. After minutes of agony, you rip off the covers, blind yourself with the lights, and crawl into the hot shower. One day, you hope. The blistering water finally warms your heart enough to bear the misery you’re about to face. After the shower, you lazily brush your teeth, swipe some deodorant on, and dress appropriately. Once you’re ready to leave, the door cracks open, and it’s all over.That -20 degree air gently tickles your face before the -50 windchill smacks your cheeks harder than a first time skater hits the ice. Every Minnesotan knows exactly what I’m talking about. That frigid cold, colder than grabbing minnows out of the bucket with your bare hands. The cold colder than the shoulder your wife gives you after you cheat on her in a dream. The cold colder than your 1st Busch Light after a 100 degree Saturday afternoon lawn mowing. That Minnesota cold never loses, and yet, everyone still clings to their sole line of defense. Their winter coat. A winter coat truly defines the character of every woman or man calling this great state home. Now the question is…what kind of Minnesotan winter coat are you?
The Canada Goose
I won’t lie the coat looks sleek, slender, and fashionable. I also won’t lie in saying no amount of cold is worth $1,000. Honestly, I’d volunteer to be cold and spend that cash on a few lower bowl tickets in the Xcel Energy Center. Further, the last time I checked, this is America not Canada. Lastly, fur grows on mammals, and feathers grow on geese. Not really understanding why fur surrounds the hood on a coat named after a bird that has more anger issues than Mel Gibson. This jacket’s more about looks than integrity. And the look just says “yeah, my jacket is more than your rent and I’m still cold.”
The Camo SweatshirtPeople wearing camo sweatshirts during winter wear camo sweatshirts every single day of their lives. Check their fridge and living room photos. Hunting in South Dakota…Duck Commanders’ camo sweatshirt. Monster truck rally…Real Tree camo sweatshirt. Grand march at prom…Gander Outdoors camo sweatshirt. Official wedding photos…pink Cabela’s camo sweatshirt. Honestly, I respect it. You are who you are. Don’t forget those fur lined crocs to keep them tootsies warm.
Only a few options describe someone who rocks a t-shirt in negative degree weather. One is you’re a serial killer. Another is you were born in an igloo on Mille Lacs during a polar vortex. Last is you’re a 6-year-old walking out from basketball practice. That’s it. The last reason, I understand. Need to cool the flamethrower off after going 3/45 from three point land. Ball is life. Regardless, t-shirts scream for attention when the air is colder than a witch’s titty in a brass bra.
The CarharttDurable, hard-working, selfless, humble, and diligent all describe the Carhartt jacket. The person repping this coat busts it for 40 plus hours a week making sure every job in the tri-state area finishes up before happy hour. I’d trust this coat with my life it’s so dependable. However, every best kept secret has its fatal flaw. It becomes basic. Soon all the light brown, gritty material will be turned into soft, inside wearing, fashion items. Tis a shame for this beauty of a Minnesotan winter coat.
The North Face
Hockey dads unite! Lace up those Dude’s and get to the upscale sports bar for two. Then to the rink to yell profanities at the refs and opposing dads. Back to the favorite brewery for 2 more before heading home to watch the Wild and explain to your kids how that should be you out there if you hadn’t blown out your knee when you played Edina as a junior. Hey, at least you still look fast when slugging through the snow in the sleek north face zip up.
The Sotastick’s 10K Takes Sweatshirt
State of the art technology will have you sweating even if you use it as a sleeping bag in Antarctica. Limited first edition rarity will have you framing this like it’s Randy Moss’ game-worn, autographed jersey moments after he did a disgusting act at Lambeau. Innovative fashion will have you walking the catwalk with Gisele Bündchen in no time. Let’s be honest with ourselves. The Sotastick’s 10K Takes Sweatshirt laps the field as the ultimate Minnesotan winter coat. Better get one now before you end up wearing your letter jacket for the rest of your life. You can get your own personalized one here for the nice price of $69.
P.S. Don’t forget your complimentary promo code for free shipping: 10KTakes.
I’m just the ugly stepson of the 10K family. Part Minnesotan, Part Wisconsinite. Half best friend, half mortal enemy. Can’t live with me, can’t live without me.