canonize tom brady

Move over St. Patrick, it’s time we Canonize Tom Brady!

Everything Else Football NFL

Tom Brady is a saint, just not literally…yet. No, I’m not talking about that dirty organization down in New Orleans. I’m referring to the holy ones with the weird robes and funny hats. Today is both Saint Patrick’s Day AND the 1-year anniversary of Tom Brady officially left the New England Patriots. Some people are calling that a divine sign from above to canonize Tom Brady now.

Currently, there is only one saint that is referenced as the patron saint of athletes, Saint Sebastian. This guy could not possibly look any more like a young Tom Brady. Plus, think about the similarities between their reputation! Hitting Bullseyes, slinging darts, it’s as plain as day!

The Resemblance is Uncanny

There’s a five-step process to officially become canonized as a saint; Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. meets all five. I’ve said it before but after this one, I’m done sucking off Tom Brady!! (editor’s note: enjoy your risky click of the week)

Step 1: Wait five years…or not

The process to make someone a saint cannot normally start until at least five years after their death. This is to allow time for emotions following the death to calm down, and to ensure that the individual’s case can be evaluated objectively.

To many residents of New England, Tom Brady died in the spring of 2020. Although it’s standard practice to wait five years before starting the process, there’s plenty of incidents where it was started sooner. The same any person would ignore a guy pullin’ pud beneath an overpass, Pope Benedict XVI looked past the waiting period for John Paul II. This happened as recently as 2005 too. Tom has already broken records his entire career, let’s add another one to the list here by canonizing him pre-humously…if that’s even a word. (editor’s note: it is not.)

Step 2: Become a ‘Servant of God’

Once the five years are up, or a waiver is granted, the bishop of the diocese where the person died can open an investigation into the life of the individual, to see whether they lived their lives with sufficient holiness and virtue to be considered for sainthood.

Evidence is gathered on the persons’ life and deeds, including witness testimonies.

If there is sufficient evidence, the bishop asks the Congregation for the Causes of Saints, the department that makes recommendations to the Pope on saints, for permission to open the case.

Everybody knows about Adam and Eve. Not the sex toy website, the story of the first two humans. Remember that whole forbidden fruit bit that kept them out of Eden related to original sin? How do we know that fruit wasn’t Tomatoes, Bell Peppers, or Strawberries. These goddamn gosh darn things are nightshades, which sounds pretty evil if you ask me. Brady has been avoiding these for the most successful and prolific portion of his career. Along with doing it himself he’s been spreading the word to the masses through his TB12 Method. Spreading the good word, if you will.

Step 3: Show proof of ‘Heroic Virtue’

The Congregation for the Causes of Saints scrutinises the evidence of the candidate’s holiness, work and signs that people have been drawn to prayer through their example. If the Congregation approves the case, it is passed to the Pope.

If the Pope decides that the person lived a life of “heroic virtue”, they can then be called “venerable”.

This is the easiest step towards the process to canonize Tom Brady. There’s really no way to count just how many people have resorted to prayer while Brady was on the field. I know I’ve personally heard “Jesus Christ” or “Mother of God” thrown around more on Sunday afternoons in the fall than at any church service I’ve ever been to. Grown men fall to their knees and resort to prayer when it’s a one score game and Brady has the last possession.

Hell Heck, in 2017 I wore a rosary and a Brady jersey to a Super Bowl party. I went dry the entire second half because one hand was on the rosary and the other was clasped with the only other Patriots fan there. I’m not a devout man of faith, but as any degenerate gambler will tell you, if something’s working you don’t change a thing.

canonize tom brady

Step 4: Verified Miracles

To reach the next stage, beatification, a miracle needs to be attributed to prayers made to the individual after their death.

The prayers being granted are seen as proof that the individual is already in heaven, and hence able to intercede with God on others’ behalf.

The number of miracles attributed to Brady seems to be never ending. There is more evidence online than anyone could ever ask for. With only one miracle needing to be attributed to him, the hardest part is going to be choosing the best one from the vast library.

More Miracles than Moses

Some would argue that his first Super Bowl was the most miraculous, winning a title after coming in as a backup. Others claim that it was the “Unicorns, Showponies, Where’s the Beef” game against New Orleans in 2013. There is one that stands above all others as the most prominent; the 2017 Super Bowl against the Falcons. Overcoming the 28-3 deficit late in the 3rd quarter of a Super Bowl game will never be done again. Freezing Cold Takes won’t even bother noting it if you tell them. Part of that comeback is the miracle catch Edelman made as the ball seemed to float inches above the turf until he could get his hands around the ball.

canonize tom brady
Arguably the most impressive catch in NFL history

Step 5: Canonization

Canonization is the final step in declaring a deceased person a saint. To reach this stage, a second miracle normally needs to be attributed to prayers made to the candidate after they have been beatified. Martyrs, however, only need one verified miracle to become a saint.

Tom Brady, a true Martyr

The final step to canonize Tom Brady is the Canonization itself. Leaving the Patriots organization meant Tom was giving up something of great value. A whole region that would bow before him. The home that he and his lovely, lovely wife raised their children in. He walked away from all of it. He did this for the sake of principles he believed in, to the cause of free agency freedom. (editor’s note: also 50 million dollars)

The 2020/2021 NFL season is the capstone and previously missing piece to complete the necessary steps of becoming a saint. Although it’s not the second miracle that can be attributed to his name, it is the most recent. At age 43, he took a franchise, at the time the losing-est franchise in North American Sports, that had not seen the playoffs in 18 years to the Super Bowl…and win. The path had him face three future Hall-of-Famers, including this year’s MVP. These trials and tribulations mirror another story in the bible. Ever heard of David vs. Goliath? We need to canonize Tom Brady as the new Patron Saint of athletes. Or at least the Patron Saint of Football.

I don’t know who will be doing his introduction speech in Canton, but I can’t wait for them to call him to the podium as “The Venerable, Saint Tom Brady”.