Mullets, Balls, and a Dick. Professional Bowling Legend Pete Weber Retires to little fanfare and, sadly, no Crotch-Chops.

Everything Else

HOF Bowler and All-Time quote utterer Pete Weber retired from professional bowling last week, and along with him goes the most entertaining, brash, and controversial person in professional bowling history. For all his accomplishments on tour, which include 85 300 games in PBA competition, he was most known for this highlight, and the absolute legendary quote at the end…and remember, he rolls an 8, he loses…9 he ties…strike he wins.

Who do you think you are??!! I AM!!!

PBA HOF’er & Legendary Asshole Pete Weber

Take it away Gary Thorne:

He was one of the “stars” of the 2006 documentary: “A League of Ordinary Gentlemen.” If you haven’t seen it, I highly suggest you do. It shows you the grind of being a professional bowler.

It’s not all fun, games, heaters, and cheap beer. Wait…that’s exactly what it is!!! Well, along with depression and the whole being broke-as-fuck thing.

He also gave us this clip, which is far less known but just as unintentionally funny. Those old guys acted like a bomb dropped on the hardwood. Hilarious.

That clip is from Weber’s first of 5 US Open titles. He was and is still the youngest person to ever win a pro bowling tournament, at the age of 19. He grew up in the shadow of his father, Dick Weber, who was at the time arguably the greatest and most popular professional bowler ever. Dick was a founding member of the PBA in 1958 and was known for his sportsmanship, professionalism, and was universally liked by his competitors.

Pete was not.

Cocaine on the Lane.

By during the early 80’s, Pete Weber was among the greatest bowlers in the world, but his young age, a full bank account, a respectable cocaine habit and a taste for the drink forced him to take time off from bowling and enter rehab. I’m not sure why…coke and booze seem to go perfectly with bowling. Odd. I once bowled a 282 on both. Easy peazy.

Fun Fact: My buddy Beekster went to rehab for the drink years ago. Largely because it was covered by his insurance and apparently functioned like an orgy. What else can you do when you can’t shoot heroin between your toes or drink whiskey until you puke blood? Fuck like rabbits! He went back to rehab 4 times.

Anyway, Pete Weber is the fourth bowler ever to win a professional bowling tournament in 4 different decades.

Pistol Pete also will retire as a top 5 bowler in earnings, major titles, total PBA tour victories…and as having the best fucking mullet ever. Look at that piece of monstrous man muff:

pete weber had one hell of a mullet
THAT is a mullet with presence…a mullet with a soul.

Little known fact: Pete’s mullet bowled left handed and held a 198 average until it’s untimely demise in the early 1990’s, along with so many other dominating pieces of hair-flare.

Weber’s signature move was the two armed crotch-chop…and NO ONE pointed at his junk on national television like PDW.

Finally, Big Ern Pete Weber is Above the Law!”

In 2000, a number of ex-Microsoft executives purchased the PBA. They realized that PDW was a HUGE asset for the tour, and basically told him to let loose. Be a Peacock and let your colors show. Even if some of those colors are being a complete asshole to your competitors and getting blackout drunk.

They just wanted him to park the snow-blower in the shed and never ever bring it out again.

pete weber on the road to rehab
Pete Weber on the road to rehab.

Pete obliged, and for the next 20 years was one of the dominant forces on the PBA tour. He was a first round pick for the entirety of my fantasy bowling league…which I dominated. THAT tells you that how good he is. He was never on my team, I’m pretty sure Fanelli or Commish picked him basically every year. They just made terrible late round picks, cost them the loot.

One year our Commish needed some fantasy updates. He actually called the bowling alley that was hosting the PBA tournament to find out if a bowler on his fantasy team was injured. He ended up talking to the President of the PBA at the time, Tom Clark.

Tom was intrigued by our fantasy league, and gave Commish the info he needed. True story.

So Congrats on a great career Pete! Rip a heater for me.

Lastly, enjoy this clip from Kingpin, the source of the quote above, and easily the greatest bowling movie ever.