NFL Players Cast As Iconic Christmas Characters

Everything Else

Happy Holidays once again. Who doesn’t love this time of the year? The fireplace is crackling, and eggnog and brandy are filling my stomach. The Christmas tree is stuffed with presents I can’t afford, and Christmas movies are constantly on TV. Is it bad that I’ve watched How The Grinch Stole Christmas three times already? I eat up the holiday festivities like it’s my job. Call me the CEO of Christmas. Anyway enough about me and my boring life, let’s get into why you are here.

Below me is who I would cast in each iconic Christmas movie role if I were only given NFL players to choose from.

Before I start I want to give a S/O to my buddy @donleo. We wrote this together a couple of years ago (that’s why there are former players) but it’s too good to not resurface this year.

Make Sure to read till the end, I saved the best one for last.

Santa Clause: Andy Reid 

Let’s start with the most obvious one. I mean c’mon, was there anyone else that could come close to playing this role like Andy Reid? His resume checks off every main category: Big belly? Check. Jolly? Check. White facial hair? Check. Wears red all the time? Check. Like Robert Downey Jr. playing Iron Man, this was the role that Andy Reid was destined to play. Expect an Oscar nomination to come his way this February. 

Ebenezer Scrooge: Bill Belichick

Real life Christmas Grinch.

This one also strikes as an obvious casting decision. Is it possible to get any more grumpy and mean than this guy? Probably not, but just like ol’ Ebenezer, I know there is a jolly kid deep inside him that the media hasn’t seen yet. Maybe it’s the fact that he doesn’t have ten rings yet. Or maybe deep down he secretly misses Tom Brady more than anyone has thought. Regardless, I know one day the ghost of Super Bowl’s past, present, and future will visit his domain and bring out the best in his cold, emotionless, soul. 

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Justin Jefferson

Rudolph always saves the day and guess who else always saves the day? Justin “JJettas” Jefferson. Look what has happened ever since he got hurt… If Rudolph didn’t save the day, Santa would never be who he is today. You can also say the same for Kirk Cousins. If JJ didn’t save the day we never would have the Kirko Cousins we all know today. Rudolph had the honor to lead the sleigh, which is exactly what the Vikings need to do with JJ in the future.

Clark Griswold: Phillip Rivers

GOAT Christmas Character?

Once it’s pointed out, it makes so much sense. Phillip Rivers and Clark Griswald would be best friends in real life. Both are ideal family men (Phillip proving his case in having 25 kids), both are smart asses who love talking shit trash, and both are just goofballs. I’ve always been a Rivers fan because he is who he is; a goofball with a beautiful deep ball. I could easily see Phillip spending all day putting up Christmas lights, stapling his shirt to the siding, and nearly dying in the process, only for the power to be cut short.

John McClane: George Kittle

Is Die Hard a Christmas Movie?

I chose George Kittle to fill this iconic role because if I was stuck in a hotel with German terrorists and needed to call an NFL player to save the day, I’d most definitely call George Kittle. Not only does he share the traits of being a badass and an absolute beast, but I’ve literally seen this man carry four Saints on his back for 15 yards with a sprained ankle, so I could easily see him taking down some scrawny bitch ass Nazis. I could also sit on a couch all day listening to Mr. Kittle dropping his own “Yippie ki yay” caliber catchphrases. The man oozes charisma, in a truly inexplicable way. Just like John McClane. 

(Yes Die Hard IS a Christmas Movie)

Kevin McCallister: Lamar Jackson

King Of Christmas?

When casting someone for the iconic role of Kevin McCallister, you have to look for two key traits:

  • 1. This person is slippery and elusive
  • 2. Has to always have a trick or two up his sleeve.

Lamar checks both of those traits off. Nobody in the NFL is more slippery and elusive than the 2020 MVP winner. Just when you think you have him surrounded in the pocket, he sneaks out and runs for 50 yards. Not a chance in hell the Wet Bandits lay a finger on him. As for tricks up his sleeve, I feel like the triple option they run is equivalent to Kevin heating the doorknob or laying the floorboards with tar and nails. Plus he’s only 26 years old, so him juking out 35-year-olds is basically the same thing as Kevin dicing up the wet banditos with some of his gadgets. 

Buddy the Elf – Robert “Gronk” Gronkowski

Christmas Movies- Elf

Buddy the Elf is arguably the funniest, most loveable, bone-headed, Christmas movie character of all time. Gronk is also arguably the funniest, most loveable, bone-headed, football player of all time. Match made in heaven. I firmly and wholeheartedly believe Gronk has genuinely tried spaghetti and syrup before and probably enjoyed it. I can picture it now; Gronk and Buddy hopping across the New York streets together.

Real Question? Would Buddy get annoyed with Gronk first or vice versa? My moneys on Gronk annoying Buddy first, which would be hard to do.

Know-It-All from The Polar Express – Sean McVay

Polar Express- Christmas

This one makes me laugh at how accurate it is. Sean McVay is such a nerd it’s comical. If he wasn’t the head coach of an NFL team with a supermodel for finance, where would he be? There’s no doubt in my mind he would be working at a comic shop or an  IT company, with a GOT podcast. There’s nothing wrong with being a nerd, nerds are badass… BUT there IS something wrong with being a know it all.

What would be worse than sitting next to McVay on a train? He would never shut the fuck up. “Have I ever told you the importance of pre-snap motions?” Or he would sit there and recite a game (play by mother fucking play) of a week 12 game back in 2014. I’m also pretty sure Sean McVay is one of those guys who have fun facts for just about everything. Always saying pointless shit like “Hey that’s a nice football you have there, did you know that the first televised professional football game took place in 1939? It wasn’t quite the huge spectacle that pro football has become—that first broadcast only appeared on approximately 500 TV sets!!” Like shut the fuck up and give my ball back you dweeb. 

Hermey The Elf: Kirk Cousins

Hermey the Elf, Christmas.

Author’s Edit: Hermey finally grew balls and is not the same player he was THREE years ago and I don’t feel like entirely changing the list. Plus I still like calling him Hermey.

Kirk and Hermey are the same human beings. Hermey is such a pussy. I was SIX when I first saw Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer, SIX. Why was my first thought someone needs to get this guy a pair of balls for Christmas? Now I know Kirk has a fire in his belly come game time, but that still doesn’t mean it’s motivating. I promise you no one who has ever played a sport in their lives has ever gotten pumped up by someone yelling “Let’s freaking go, guys!!!”.

Also, Hermey never wanted to be an elf or a toymaker, he wanted to be a dentist. I could so easily see Kirk being a dentist. He would be one of those guys who don’t stop asking you questions while he has five separate tools gouging at your gums.

With that being said, Hermey does save the day when it is all said and done, and so does Kirk most of the time, in his weird anti-climactic fashion. One more side note, Kirk Cousins’s favorite band is Creed and I know if Hermey was a real person, he’d be blasting that shit too. 

(HAHA FUNNY HOW THIS CAME INTO PLAY THIS YEAR)

OLD KIRK:

New Kirk:

NEW HERMEY THE ELF

HA! Russ tried to grow a pair of balls but they never grew. Don’t let Russ “Ride” in the Sleigh, not even Rudolph could save that thing from crashing. No one else deserves this honor more than Russ to be the new Hermey.

2023 Update: UNFORTUNATELY, Russ might have found his pair of balls and the Broncos are meanwhile playing great football… Maybe he is Hermey the elf because he’s slowly saving the day in Denver just like the real Hermey did in the movie! Doesn’t change the fact that he is still a giant pussy that even 6-year-old me would be able to tell.

Who’s the new Hermey?

Ralphie: Mike McDaniel (NEW THIS YEAR)

How Ralphie wasn’t in this blog in years past blows my mind. He’s as iconic as they come when it comes to Christmas characters, who fills the role to cast him?

The easy answer would be Plaxico Burress for the obvious reason of shooting himself. But someone fits the narrative of Ralphie way better, and that’s the Dolphins nerdy head coach Mike McDaniels.

Why Mike McDaniel you might ask? Because just look at them and think about all their characteristics. Nerdy and a straight smart ass who always has snide remarks to make. The glasses are obvious but one thing really sticks out to me. They both wanted a toy/weapon to fulfill their dreams. Ralphie got his Red Ryder, while Mike McDaniel’s got Tyreek Hill.

Wet Bandits: Tommy Devito & Aaron Rodgers (NEW)

Former Syracuse quarterback Tommy DeVito lands on New York ...

The “New York” QBs take the roles of the wet bandits. Joe Pecci (Harry) is Tommy Devito while Aaron Rodgers fits the role of Daniel Stern (Marv).

The more I think about these two together, the more I slowly think they could play the roles of these two characters.

Tommy Devito might seem like a cool relaxed chill guy, but let’s not forget that Harry tricked the entire McCallister family into thinking that he was a cop before he attempted to rob their house. Yes, Harry might be intelligent, especially when you have Marv standing next to him. All he cares about is robbing, and being a true crook. Harry is very risk-prone which ends up being his downfall from not taking the careful route. Tommy might be riding high right now but just like every good crook, their true side will eventually show.

Them both being Italian + from New Jersey just state this cause even more.

Standing alongside him is the guy who you would think is the smart guy but in reality, is just a big ole dimwit. Yes, Harry might seem like he’s some big tall scary crook, but throughout the movies, you can tell he’s just a big coward at heart. Marv might lack intellect but he makes up with enthusiasm that makes you question if he is stupid or not. Rodgers fits this narrative to a tee. He’s all about having the spotlight on him, while also saying shit that you don’t know is super smart or just stupid as fuck. Aaron Rodgers would 100% leave the sink running or come up with some stupid name like the “Wet Bandits” or “Sticky Bandits” just so he can express himself to the entire world.

Joe Thuney: Yukon Cornelius

While we’re on the topic of Rudolph side characters that have NFL counterparts…

Nothing further.

Last but not least…

The Grinch: Roger Goodell

The Grinch Stole Christmas

I pray to God that no one in their right mind argues with this one.

Roger Goodell is the Grinch in every way possible… besides the fact he doesn’t save the day in the end. He just continues to fuck up everyone else’s lives. Even before this whole Covid fiasco, Roger was botching the ball in every which way for the past decade.

The rules he has implemented since entering the role as commissioner are so backward. From the roughing the passer rules, to the lack of consistency from the refs, to the issues with reviews, to the Deflategate, to end zone celebrations, to the banning of jersey exchanges. (editor’s note: never mind that almost every single bad rule he’s tried to implement was reversed within two years) The list can go on and on and on. He has proved time and time again to be an abominable, bumbling loser. If the NFL wasn’t the empire it was, it would’ve gone bankrupt ten years ago under his guidance. 

Don’t forget he also hates charities!

Any Players left off that rightfully deserve their chance to be cast in a Christmas Movie? Let me know who you think could fit the role perfectly!

Happy Holidays To Everyone! (Except Roger Goodell)