Happy Holidays once again. Who doesn’t love this time of the year? The fireplace is crackling, eggnog and brandy is filling my stomach. The Christmas tree is stuffed with presents I can’t afford, and Christmas movies are constantly on TV. Is it bad that I’ve watched How The Grinch Stole Christmas three times already? I eat up the holiday festivities like it’s my job. Call me the the CEO of Christmas. Anyways enough about me and my boring life, let’s get into why you are here.
Below me is who I would cast in each iconic Christmas movie role if I were only given NFL players to choose from.Before I start I just want to give a S/O to my buddy @donleo. We wrote this together a couple years ago (that’s why there’s former players) but it’s too good to not resurface this year.
Santa Clause: Andy Reid
Ebenezer Scrooge: Bill Belichick
This one also strikes as an obvious casting decision. Is it possible to get anymore grumpy and mean than this guy? Probably not, but just like ol’ Ebenezer, I know there is a jolly kid deep inside him that the media hasn’t seen yet. Maybe it’s the fact that he doesn’t have ten rings yet, or maybe its because he was limited to only 360 days instead of 365 days of scouting because of covid restrictions. Regardless, I know one day the ghost of Super Bowl’s past, present, and future will visit his domain and bring out the best in his cold, emotionless, soul.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Justin Jefferson
Clark Griswold: Phillip Rivers
Once it’s pointed out, it makes so much sense. Phillip Rivers and Clark Griswald would be best friends in real life. Both are ideal family men (Phillip proving his case in having 25 kids), both are smart asses who love talking shit trash, and both are just goofballs. I’ve always been a Rivers fan because he is who he is; a goofball with a beautiful deep ball. I could easily see Phillip spending all day putting up Christmas lights, stapling his shirt to the siding, nearly dying in the process, only for the power to be cut short.
John McClane: George Kittle
I chose George Kittle to fill this iconic role because if I was stuck in a hotel with German terrorists and needed to call an NFL player to save the day, I’d most definitely call George Kittle. Not only does he share the traits of being a badass and an absolute beast, but I’ve literally seen this man carry four Saints on his back for 15 yards with a sprained ankle, so I could easily see him taking down some scrawny bitch ass Nazis. I could also sit on a couch all day listening to Mr. Kittle dropping his own “Yippie ki yay” caliber catchphrases. The man oozes charisma, in a way that is truly inexplicable. Just like John McClane.
(Yes Die Hard IS a Christmas Movie)
Kevin McCallister: Lamar Jackson
- 1. This person is slippery and elusive
- 2. Has to always have a trick or two up his sleeve.
Lamar checks both of those traits off. Nobody in the NFL is more slippery and elusive than the 2020 MVP winner. Just when you think you have him surrounded in the pocket, he sneaks out and runs for 50 yards. Not a chance in hell the Wet Bandits lay a finger on him. As for tricks up his sleeve, I feel like the triple-option they run is equivalent to Kevin heating up the doorknob, or laying the floorboards with tar and nails. Plus he’s only 25 years old, so him juking out 35-year-olds is basically the same thing as Kevin dicing up the wet banditos with some of his gadgets.
Buddy the Elf – Robert “Gronk” Gronkowski
Buddy the Elf is arguably the funniest, most loveable, bone-headed, Christmas movie character of all time. Gronk is also arguably the funniest, most loveable, bone-headed, football players of all time. Match made in heaven. I firmly and wholeheartedly believe Gronk has genuinely tried spaghetti and syrup before and probably enjoyed it. I can picture it now; Gronk and Buddy hopping across the New York streets together.
Real Question? Would Buddy get annoyed of Gronk first or vice versa? My moneys on Gronk annoying Buddy first, which would be hard to do.
Know-It-All from The Polar Express – Sean McVay
This one makes me laugh at how accurate it is. Sean McVay is such a nerd it’s comical. If he wasn’t a head coach of an NFL team with a supermodel for a finance, where would he be? There’s no doubt in my mind he would be working at a comic shop or an IT company, with a GOT podcast. There’s nothing wrong with being a nerd, nerds are badass… BUTTT there IS something wrong with being a know it all.
What would be worse than sitting next to McVay on a train? He would never shut the fuck up. “Have I ever told you the importance of pre-snap motions?” Or he would sit there and recite a game (play by mother fucking play) of a week 12 game back in 2014. I’m also pretty sure Sean McVay is one of those guys that have fun facts for just about everything. Always saying pointless shit like “Hey that’s a nice football you have there, did you know that the first televised professional football game took place in 1939? It wasn’t quite the huge spectacle that pro football has become—that first broadcast only appeared on approximately 500 TV sets!!” Like shut the fuck up and give my ball back you dweeb.
Hermey The Elf: Kirk Cousins
Author’s Edit: Hermey finally grew balls, and is not the same player he was two years ago and I don’t feel like entirely changing the list.
Kirk and Hermey are the same human being. Hermey is such a pussy. I was SIX when I first saw Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, SIX. Why was my first thought someone needs to get this guy a pair of balls for Christmas? Now I know Kirk has a fire in his belly come game time, but that still doesn’t mean it’s motivating. I promise you no one who has ever played a sport in their lives has ever gotten pumped up by someone yelling “Let’s freaking go guys!!!”.
Also, Hermey never wanted to be an elf a toymaker, he wanted to be a dentist. I could so easily see Kirk being a dentist. He would be one of those guys that don’t stop asking you questions while he has five separate tools gouging at your gums.
With that being said, Hermey does save the day when it is all said and done, and so does Kirk most of the time, in his weird anti-climactic fashion. One more side note, Kirk Cousins’s favorite band is Creed and I know if Hermey was a real person, he’d be blasting that shit too.
OLD KIRK:
New Kirk:
NEW HERMEY THE ELF
HA! Russ tried to grow a pair of balls but they never grew. Don’t let Russ “Ride” in the Sleigh, not even Rudolph could save that thing from crashing. No one else deserves this honor more than Russ to be the new Hermey.
Joe Thuney: Yukon Cornelius
While we’re on the topic of Rudolph side-characters that have NFL counterparts…
Nothing further.
Last but not least…
The Grinch: Roger Goodell
I pray to God that no one in their right minds argues with this one.
Roger Goodell is the Grinch in every way possible… besides the fact he doesn’t save the day in the end. He just continues to fuck up everyone else’s lives. Even before this whole Covid fiasco, Roger was botching the ball in every which way for the past decade.
The rules he has implemented since entering the role as commissioner are so backward. From the roughing the passer rules, to the lack of consistency from the refs, to the issues with reviews, to the Deflategate, to end zone celebrations, to the banning of jersey exchanges. (editor’s note: never mind that almost every single bad rule he’s tried to implement was reversed within two years) The list can go on and on and on. He has proved time and time again to be an abominable, bumbling loser. If the NFL wasn’t the empire it was, it would’ve gone bankrupt ten years ago under his guidance.
Don’t forget he also hates charities!
Any Players left off that rightfully deserve there chance to be cast in a Christmas Movie? Let me know who you think could fit the role perfectly!
Happy Holidays To Everyone! (Except Roger Goodell)
Some people call me MarTy and some people call me Ryan. Wildcard when it comes to my writing. #FadeMe if I ever tweet out “locks”.