Oh, IPAs You Say? Well I’m Fucking Sick of Them and the Dum-Dums Who Worship Them.

Everyone should go read my fellow blogger @ctlawver‘s piece, “Oh, so IPAs suck? Well, Fuck You.” Not because it makes any sense. Or because its a good, well written article that dives deep into the hop strains, the brewing process, or even what an IPA really is.

Read it because it’s the epitome of head-up-your-ass-fancy-beer culture. Honestly, how can a person criticize WINE drinkers of all people for being low level dunderheads. Does Christian know that when he and his fancy friends go out to their favorite brewery for a “tasting,” they are literally just wanna be sommeliers? There are countless varieties of wine. And most of them don’t come in a box.

You take fucking NOTES on tweets that criticize IPAs? I think you better check yourself into a psyche ward bud. Or find a hobby. It’s fucking beer.

I Need to Pay my Mortgage…Not Beer Label Artists.

I think the appropriate phrase here is “the pot calling the kettle black.” Present day IPA rubes are just wine snobs disguised as hipsters or bros. How can anyone criticize the price of fancy wine when their favorite beer in the whole wide world is sometimes over $10 A CAN?

Plus you’re paying for the fancy design on the label and the neat-o, sweet bro name. “Hey man, I love Pulp Fiction! It’s flavor profile is AMAAAAAAAAZING!!” Junkyard Brewery beers are by and large good. But I hate realizing half the price goes to pay some fucking artist for the fancy design on the label.

I will admit, Christian does a good job of putting out a false narrative, taking out the low hanging fruit. I also wouldn’t rip on people “stealing tweets.” You’re not the first person to prop up and fall deeply, madly in love with IPAs bud. Stop stealing other people’s takes. Your hubris is obvious and doesn’t look good on you.

I drank my first IPA when these IPA nazis were suckling from their momma’s teat. I’ve tried endless kinds, including almost all of the beers that made Christian’s list. Big fucking deal. If you have $250 you can buy a sixer of IPA with an oil painting for a label.

Screw IPAs, Rubbing Alcohol will Really Fuck you Up!

You drank 14 fucking seltzers one time and got wasted? THAT is a fucking Karen move right there bro. That’s weak, and quite psycho. You don’t have to wanna get shit-canned to enjoy an alcoholic beverage.

If that’s your measuring stick for boozing, then maybe you should go buy a bunch of Everclear, make some jungle juice in your bathtub, and REALLY get wasted. Plus there’s a great chance a frat girl might let you play with her boobies. Score! I heard Listerine has notes of mint and a great flavor profile. Check it out.

How is a person who drinks wine, brandy, light beer, and an occasional seltzer the one who needs to branch out and try something new? BTW, “IPA” is waaaaaaaaaaay overused, and a misnomer most of the times used. A beer with fucking lactose, fruit, and hops from California is not an Indian Pale Ale, no matter how much you want it to be. Or who tells you it is.

Other Types of Beer and Spirits Exist.

You ever broaden your horizons and try a Porter, Pilsner, Witbier, Bock, Brown Ale, Lambic, Dunkel, Saison, Kolsch, Marzen, Stout, Coffee Stout, Tripel, Doppelbock, Gose?…I could go on. How about an EXPENSIVE Brandy? You even tried the REAL nectar of the Gods, Cognac? I know the taste of pine needles soaked in vodka is appealing to some people, but I’d maybe give something else a try.

Don’t think your shit don’t stink. You may like the smell of your farts, most of us don’t.

Try and smell the roses of other beverages. You’ll be a better person for it.

Just…maybe not a coffee stout.