You think IPA’s suck, huh?
I have had enough of the shit-talking. The tweets. The snarky comments and retweets. I see them all and I take notes on which of you simpleton fucks make these preposterous statements.
How am I supposed to take you people seriously? I have a bunch of Karen’s and poor college kids trying to tell me what good beer tastes like. Sorry I don’t drink cheap brandy while watching Days of our Lives or drink 30-racks of Red Dog that I got for $12 with my fake ID. You people need to broaden your horizons (and your taste buds). Half of you snowflakes have probably never even tried an IPA and if you have, it was probably some mainstream bullshit Founder All Day IPA or some Sierra Nevada IPA that you got at a grad party because all the high school kids snuck the light beer and Truly’s.
Wine Drinkers
First, I find it fucking comical that all of you wine lackeys try and tell me that IPA’s suck. You are literally drinking fermented grape juice that people squash with their dirty ass feet. If you have a foot fetish like Rex Ryan, sure, maybe I get it. However, you average morons who buy $8 Barefoot piss wine, have zero room to talk. Oh, you like box wine? Well fuck you too because that stuff is for the birds and old grandma’s who don’t have enough cabinet space because it’s too full of cat food and diet coke.
Maybe you drink the fancy wine. Okay, the point remains, fuck off. You are going to go out and buy a $50 bottle of wine just to let it sit in your wine rack for 2 years? When is it a good occasion to pop open a $50+ bottle of wine that has been stored away for two years? When your spouse leaves you? Because that may be the only time I’d ever be depressed enough to stoop to that level. Also, those big wine decanters that look like a genie lamp are so fucking stupid that not even our own Nick Lewis would buy them off Amazon. Seriously, like what the hell is this?
Light Beer Drinkers
I don’t have as big of a bone to pick with you as the faux wealthy wine drinkers. I actually enjoy a light beer but it has to be the right time. Or if you’re a broke college kid, it’s perfectly fine to drink light beer 24/7. Here are the times it’s acceptable to drink light beer:- When it’s hot as fuck out and you’re doing yard work. I can accept this. Not many things beat an ice-cold Mich Golden when you finish mowing the lawn or laying down some mulch. Treat yourself and have a few, or 8.
- When you’re on the golf course. Beverage babes usually only carry light beer and seltzers anyways so your hands are pretty tied. However, an ice-cold light beer allows you to show everyone you’re there to have a good time, but also doesn’t get you too shitfaced. Win/win.
- When you’re cooking on the grill. Dad move 101. Are you really grilling if you don’t have a beer in your hand? The answer is no. No one will ever look cooler than someone grilling up some burgers with a light beer can in one hand and the grill spatula in the other.
There are a few other exceptions, like hitting a Dong on the 10K Softball team, but those are the only things that truly make it okay for you dipshit light beer drinkers to put down IPA’s. I damn sure don’t want to hear about how good your fucking room temp, 4.2% ABV Busch Latte is. If you’re still drinking room temp Keystone or shitty domestics, just stop what you’re doing and go back to college, you cheap fuck.
Hard Seltzer Drinkers
I’d be lying to you if I said I haven’t gotten blitzed off 14 White Claws before. During the summer, they’re cool. When you’re on a boat, they’re even cooler. They taste way better than your average light beer and they also have more alcohol in them. The best part about seltzers are that you can drink 10 of them and still think you’re being “healthy.”
However, if you try and tell me that IPA’s suck when you are drinking spiked carbonated water, you may dumber than I thought. You want to make a seltzer? Go buy a small bottle of Schweppes from your gas station and pour some vodka into it. There is nothing exciting about saying you drank a seltzer. Plus, you pay a premium for them. You can make 5x more seltzers for the price if you go out and buy your own soda water and vodka.
Disclaimer: If you see me on a boat or lake this summer with a seltzer in hand, I refuse to answer any questions at that moment in time. Thank you in advance.The truth about IPA’s
Ladies and Gentlemen, the fact of the matter is this… if you don’t like IPA’s, you either haven’t actually had a good one OR you just have zero fucking taste in beer. IPA’s are the nectar of the Gods. I’m not sure why they have such a bad reputation. They aren’t just a hoppy drink for hipsters. I won’t lie to you, I didn’t always like them. I actually would’ve rather drank bong water at one point in time. When was that, you may ask? When I was 19 years old in college and my taste buds had a very strict diet of frozen pizza and shitty light beer. The first IPA I ever tried was a Summit Saga IPA. A couple of my buddies had some friends over and I grabbed whatever they had in their fridge. I choked it down because I’m not an asshole but I was honest, I was vocal about how terrible it was.
So what changed? What lead me to go from uncultured swine, to beer savant?
Well, first, I became an adult and got a job to be able to buy beer that was more than $16 for a 30-rack. Secondly, I had my “gateway beer”. Mine was Blue Moon. Those of you that like Blue Moon, you’re literally knocking on the doorsteps of enjoying IPA’s. Find yourself a gateway beer and you’re on your way to becoming a real man. Grow the fuck up and just buy one at a bar or buy a 4-pk from a local brewery. I am willing to bet damn near anything that if you let me choose an IPA for you, I will transform you into a hophead.
Minnesota’s Top 10 IPA’s (my rankings)
I am begging anyone dumb enough to read this article in the first place to please try one or more of these IPA’s. IPA’s are my favorite beverage in the world and I’ve had hundreds of them. Spoil yourself, you’ve earned it. Give one of these a try and if you honestly don’t like it, I’ll buy you a shitty cheap happy hour beer sometime this summer but I need video proof because I don’t trust you cheap little shitheads.
10. Modist – Dreamyard
9. Lupulin – Hooey
8. Blackstack – Local 755
7. Surly – Axe Man
6. Falling Knife – Verbal Tip
5. Stacked Deck – Group Hug
4. Barrel Theory – Rain Drops
3. Fair State Co-Op – Mirror Universe
2. OMNI – FAD
1. Junkyard – Pulp Fiction Series IPA
(Royale w/ Cheese, Riding with Jules, Vince Vega, Jackrabbit Slims, etc…)
