There are two types of men that exist in the world; Alphas and you. These alphas come in all shapes and sizes, and your old pal Marlow is here to give you the breakdown, and how much of a threat they actually are.
ALPHA #1BREAKDOWN: Let’s start with that hair. Dear fucking god is that an unbelievable mullet as well as a nasty dye job on top of that, +2 points. The mustache is nice and light, paired with the mullet it sends a message of being fun and delicate. No shirt sends an unreal vibe and WAIT… DID THIS MUTANT JUST OPEN A BEER WITH HIS TEETH? No regard for his teeth means no regard for your chick. Don’t even get me started on that perfect tornado formation as well. The only cons I see in this video is a brutal chin hair game, a pending unibrow, and I kinda hate that design he has on his window.
OVERALL THREAT SCORE: 8.2 / 10
ALPHA #2BREAKDOWN: This is what we call a sneaky alpha. They seem harmless and innocent until they start chugging nose beers (I think we found a new challenge for Bubba). A fox camouflage shirt and shorts that run down to his knees only means one thing; He’s got an obnoxiously lifted truck, and it’s not just snow he’s looking to plow. Subtract points for that dead grass, the chinstrap beard, and the matching camouflage shoes to go with the shirt.
OVERALL THREAT SCORE: 7.1 / 10
ALPHA #3BREAKDOWN: Where to start with the Bossman? Maybe with the size of the hole in that pumpkin? Talk about an absolute rocket. A recent fairly serious quad injury survivor, an entrepreneur with an unreal hairline, and a recently snubbed 9/9/9 champion. Did I mention that he also kicks left-footed? Do you know who else did that? Leo Messi. He’s just built differently.
OVERALL THREAT SCORE: 9.9/10
You can make an argument that I just made this blog to suck up to the new boss, and you know what? You’re fucking right. Was I asked by Jack to write this? Who’s to say? Just remember there is a reason this made it onto the website.