Robinhood? More Like Robbin’ You Fucking Blind

Everything Else Gambling Uncategorized

So you want to read what 10K thinks about Robinhood. Let me preface everything you’re about to read by saying I’m not a financial or investing advisor. So much so that I’m not even sure that second one is an official title. I also own stocks in the market that I purchased on a whim with no real research or understanding.

I say all that to say, nothing I am about to add here should be taken as real financial advice.

Now, that that’s out of the way…FFFFFFFUUUUUCCCKK Robinhood with a rusty chainsaw.

The Robinhood app and the people that run it are ABSOLUTE GARBAGE. If you’ve been completely disconnected from reality because you’ve been on a peyote trip with Phil Jackson, Jared Leto, and Matthew McConaughey I’ll give you a pass for not understanding what’s going on here.

In any other circumstance you HAVE to have heard about what’s going on in the world. If your head has been shoulder-deep in your own asshole, here’s the best summary my dumb brain can give. But seriously, here’s a “children’s explainer” on how all this works.

The Robinhood Backstory

There is a hedge fund called Melvin Capital. Some douchebags working there decided to short the stock of a completely obsolete company, Game Stop ($GME). They shorted the stock for 140% of the amount of stocks Game Stop actually has. Word spread about these trades and a group of reddit warriors on /r/wallstreetbets decided they were sick of the finance bros and old fucks pushing the little guys around and getting rich off of it. To fight back, they organized and rallied a MASSIVE following to buy $GME. I know I capitalized the word “MASSIVE” to make a point, but let me put this into frame for you. OVER HALF of ALL Robinhood users owned shares of Game Stop stock at the closing bell yesterday. That’s just on one trading platform!

They did it. The little guy was winning. An unimaginably sized army of keyboard warriors armed with a $600 stimulus check and a free trading app was costing the hedge fund fuckheads BILLIONS of dollars. These assholes were so far into shorting the stocks that they had to cover their shorts with the rising stock price. This made $GME skyrocket even faster! What a fuckin’ hilarious twist of fate!

The same people who were buying $GME realized they could do this with other stocks that had shorts against them.

Shorts are a pretty fucked up thing, who likes rooting for anyone to fail besides the Packers, but that’s a story for another time.

They pumped more money into AMC, Blackberry, Nokia, and other 90s-era relics with cheap floors to buy in at. Soon, every media outlet imaginable was trying to explain what Reddit was to all the boomers and people were SCRAMBLING.

Today

This morning, Robinhood changed the rules of the game. Users of the app woke up in a panic to a flurry of messages. “This stock is not supported on Robinhood […] You can close out your position in this stock, but you cannot purchase additional shares” for $GME, $AMC and other “meme stocks” like them.

Those absolute fucking WEASELS bowed down to the big guy and turned their back on the common man. The app named after a “hero” taking from the rich and giving to the poor has chosen to operate in the exact opposite manner. Robinhood decided to fist-fuck the very users that it is marketed towards.

As you can assume, the internet was uhhh…not pleased.

4,500 shares of $GME going for $119 instead of it’s peak at $420.69 cost this individual $1,357,920.
Davey Day Trader is back!
Elon Musk: Known Hater of Shorts

It’s the number one trending topic on Twitter. Stories associated with it make up the majority of the rest of the top 10. It’s on half of every Instagram story I’ve scrolled past, it’s the hottest topic in the meme game, and it will be for a long time. This bullshit move is so abhorrent that even mortal enemies were agreeing online!

I mean seriously, when Ted Cruz and AOC agree you suck, you fucking suuuuuuuuuuuck.

Robinhood’s Predictable Wrinkle

In what turns out to be a plot twist so obvious, we’re waiting for M. Night Shyamalan to take credit for it. 40% of Robinhood’s business is done through a company called Citadel Securities. Citadel just bailed out Melvin Capital to the tune of 2.7 BILLION DOLLARS. Because of course they do.

There is no way in hell that an app like this would choose to self detonate in this manner if that weren’t the case. The hedge fund managers and their subsidiaries have been manipulating the stock market and controlling the outcomes of businesses for DECADES and now when they’re on the receiving end of taking it in the shorts ONE TIME they do this?! We should have seen it coming. What’s wild is that this tells us that the hedge funds and Robinhood have basically told us that settling a class action lawsuit is worth it to save the hedge funds billions of dollars.

Redditors, the online militia, and all those that are part of this movement have largely moved on from Robinhood in light of these events. They’ve found other avenues and sources that will still execute their trades.

If I know the internet like I think I do, this is FAR from over. The InternetTM is full of spite. This could have been a quick little in and out for the little guy to make a buck one time, but now it’s a war.

Fuck Robinhood and everything they stand for.

“Fuck you” – the internet

The Dumbest Robinhood Villains

Now here’s the funniest part. Robinhood Co-Founder and Sexdoll-Modeled-After-Justin-Long Vlad Tenev decided to write an “explanation” about why, specifically, Robinhood decided to cut off $GME, $AMC, and the other meme stocks.

“I think you guys are stupid enough to believe that I did this for you”

That whole thread, and subsequent blog, is one giant “fuck you” to anyone who’s ever made an investment on the Robinhood platform. How stupid does this guy think we are?

Then there’s billionaire hedge fund manager and Guy-Who-Literally-Takes-Candy-From-Babies Leon Cooperman crying like a bitch on CNBC. I mean, for fuck’s sake, he literally looks like a cartoon villain.

Pooperman Cooperman is a rare form of fuckhead, too. This guy is one of the biggest shareholders of Navient. Navient, as I’m sure you’re aware of, is among the largest student loan companies. But now he might lose a bunch of money because some redditors figured out a loophole to his scam and he wants us to feel bad for him? PAH!

Then, finally, there’s Mets Owner Steve Cohen. No snappy description for him, Mets Owner is sad enough.

Cohen got positive press earlier this month when he fired then-Mets GM Jared Porter for sending 62 unsolicited dick pics to the same reporter. Bravo, a venture capitalist did the bare minimum. But all that good will he garnered was immediately blown away when it was revealed that his firm was one of the firms shorting $GME. Then this idiot gets into a fight with Dave Portnoy. Cohen made a hilarious decision that only the owner of the Mets could make.

Friend of 10K and guest of the Minnesota Rundown Alex Micheletti said it best, I think.

So in conclusion, fuck the hedge funds, fuck Robinhood, and fuck anyone who gets in our way. $GME TO THE MOON, BABY!

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