I’m getting sick and tired of the stigma and insults that come with genuinely enjoying a hard seltzer. I endure too much between mediocre teams, an average-sized penis, and worse weather here in Minnesota to put up with this shit. We recently had a war on the 10K takes website between IPA snobs vs non-IPA drinkers and frankly, I think they are both a bunch of dorks.
I’ll start by saying that Christian’s blog (Pro IPA guy) was very well done. He at least broke down when it was acceptable to consume other beverages outside of the dirt water that he enjoys. As a father myself, I have to agree that having a light beer in hand feels pretty damn good when you’re yelling at your kids; all while achieving perfect grill marks. Don’t ever offer me a cheaper alternative to a seltzer as well. I buy those cans to make my dainty hands feel bigger, I have low self-esteem and need a fucking pick me up every now and then.
Now Bakko (non-IPA guy) on the other hand tried to come at him with the old “I’m manlier than you approach”, quite the bro move to only offer up rubbing alcohol as an alternative. Even having the audacity to say pounding seltzers is a “Karen move”. My guess is that he was hurt he didn’t make it into my alpha blog and is trying to make up for it. Start by lifting your truck and toss a Calvin pissing on the state of Wisconsin sticker on the back and then we can talk hardo. Don’t forget the dangling nuts on the hitch.
Why are seltzers king?
Now that I’m done playing with the children, hard seltzers play in any situation. I have a beard and clear framed glasses so if I have an IPA in hand then I’m a hipster asshole. If I have any other drink that shit is too heavy for my sensitive tummy and daddy can’t dance like he wants to. Whether you are mowing the lawn, getting brunch with your girls, or attending your kid’s school events with a refilled Aquafina bottle. There is not a single situation in which a seltzer doesn’t play.
Marlow’s top 6 seltzers.
6. Gray Duck
5. Bolo by Bauhaus
2. Fulton Hard Seltzers
1. High Noon
Also, to the old woman who works at Bluff Creek Golf Course who called me a women for buying a White Claw, Fuck You.
Ugly by choice. Banned from twitter