The day we were all waiting for has finally come, Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) is finally out and the Queen did not disappoint. It’s time to get excited about songs that have already been out for 10 years.
Now, I’ve always considered myself as more of a Scooter Braun guy. Seems like a savvy businessman who’s just trying to put food on the table and make an honest living. Who am I to say he shouldn’t have the rights to Taylor’s music? He’s living the American Dream, laying back and profiting relentlessly on someone else’s work.
That being said, it’s hard to deny how much Taylor Swift has owned shit this past year. The Eras Tour is going to break every single record, she’s going to be a fucking Billionaire (with a ‘B’) when it’s done, and if you say a single negative word about her in public you become a prime candidate for aggravated assault. And now this, Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) is out. There she goes again, dropping another re-recorded album for the masses to cream their jeans to and I for one have never been more excited. Nothing gets me going more than ranking songs 10+ years after they’ve already came out.
So here they are, the official rankings tiers of Speak Now (Taylor’s Version).
Tier 1: Dick on the table
These are the songs that Taylor really popped off on. Just metaphorically walked right into Scooter Braun’s office, pulled out her bat, and thwap’d it right on the table. See, I love John Mayer as much as the next rational person but “Dear John” absolutely rips. Just a complete jam that never disappoints. Did their breakup happen like 15 years ago? Yes. Has Taylor gotten over it? Sure hasn’t. Who cares. I now hate John Mayer for reasons I’m still unaware of.
If you don’t like “Mean,” you have a big dump in your pants. That’s just a classic example of T-Swift being T-Swift.
“Enchanted” might be the best fucking song on the entire album. Part of me wishes I was a teenage girl, so I could truly appreciate it as a member of it’s target audience. However, ripping the knob off my car stereo when it comes on as a 25-year-old man will have to do.
Gag on it Scooter.
Tier 2: Queen Shit
This is where Taylor Swift makes her money. Songs like these are her bread and butter, right in her fucking wheelhouse. You can set your watch to Taylor pumping out jams like these every single year.
Back to December? Slaps. Timeless? Slaps. The Story of Us? Slaps. Mine? Slaps.
Innocent might be the most underrated song on the whole fucking album. The house of T-Swift is built on Queen Shit songs like these and Speak Now has plenty.
Tier 3: Good, Not Great
Now these songs aren’t going to win any awards that will eventually be taken away by Kanye (cancelled) but they’re nothing to sneeze at either. Apparently “Long Live” is hot shit right now since it got added to her show but it just doesn’t do it for me. Doesn’t tickle my fancy one bit. My fancy is left completely untickled.
Listening back, I probably should’ve put “Ours” in the Queen Shit tier, but it’s far too late to change that now. The tiermaker tab is already closed and it’d be a whole thing to open it up again and move it around.
Tier 4: Mid
This is where Taylor starts to lose me. These songs don’t move the needle one bit.
Having the title song of the album being this vanilla is disappointing. A Taylor Swift song should either make you feel like the baddest bitch alive or make you want to cry in the shower, there’s no middle ground. I don’t think my facial expressions changed once when these songs came on. Had me looking like Stanley Hudson in my car. Not what I need from our queen here.
Tier 5: Bad, Not Good
Don’t get me wrong, this is not an inditement on Taylor herself. I just hold her to a higher standard than this since I know what she’s capable of. She’s better than these songs and she’d be the first to admit it.
I’ve been told “Better Than Revenge” is a top-tier T-Swift song. Could not disagree more. To the casual Swift fans? Yes, maybe. But to the refined listeners like myself? Not a fucking chance. Real fans know that Taylor has more in her bag than this.
Tier 6: Instant Skip
Taylor, these are the songs you should’ve just let Scooter Braun keep. You didn’t need them.
The wasted potential of T-Swift pairing up with Fall Out Boy AND Hayley Willams here is haunting. It’s like when Lebron and Shaq paired up just to shit the bed in Cleveland. Hayley Williams should have MURDERED on a track with Taylor Swift. It should’ve been a ‘drop your nuts’ type of moment like you read about.
What a shame. I vote we just forget these songs even exist and Taylor runs it back with Fall Out Boy on the next album.
Overall, Speak Now (Taylor’s Version) is just T-Swift simply continuing her run of dominance on this country that she’s been on for the last year. Somehow she just released the same album she did 12 years ago and got more hype than any other album this year. Taylor can’t miss (if you just ignore her misses). She is Him and we should thank God everyday that we’re on this planet at the same time as her.
below average at a few things. bad at a lot of things. Minnesota sports sad boi.