Sports Curses: How to Cure Minnesota’s Pain

Everything Else

After seeing people rant and bitch about how Minnesota sports can’t win the important games, how the Vikings season is all but over, and other heartbreaking, liver killing events, I had to break my silence. Minnesota Sports are all cursed!! It’s simple and clear to see once you think about it. But, the solution to lifting these curses are just as easy. Here’s a quick run down on the teams I care about and the curse cast on them.


The Twins are close to the end of their playoff curse if you ask me. Twins fans are still stuck on the fact that we cut David Ortiz right before his prime. The front office should be kicking themselves too. We need to lose 27 (Ortiz’s old Twins number) playoff games in a row until we finally fucking win. The curse might extend to 34 games as well. Nothing we can do but wait to lift this curse. But it can’t go any longer than that…right??


The Wolves almost broke their curse this last offseason. We finally made the playoffs a few years back but then it was right back into god awful records and players I’d rather forget. To break this curse old man Glen Taylor needs to finally fucking sell this team. The buyer has to be Kevin Garnett as well. Big Ticket will retire his own jersey, lift the curse, and seasons with records above .500 can resume. (I’d aim for a title but let’s just win some damn games first.)


I’ve recently started watching hockey and the answer to this curse took some time to figure out. We need to retire another damn number in the rafters. In the next few years I don’t think it will be super hard to find a few deserving players. Once he officially retires, #9 would look good in Xcel Energy Center for all to see. If that doesn’t break the curse we probably need the team to take a piss on center ice in Chicago. Might work but would be damn funny either way.


I have no idea what to make of this current team, past teams, or the curse. I think we are just lined up for an eternity of heart breaks, missed kicks, and bounty gates. If I had to guess, it’s multiple curses. Who the hell knows on this one because I don’t. Maybe we can ask Fred Smoot to rent some boats and throw another Love Boat party for old times sake. That should lift the curse or give us a whole new roster of players after everyone gets cut.