State Fair People Are The Worst

Everything Else

It’s that time of the year again. The gates are open in Saint Paul, and for the next 12 days, some of the worst people our fine state has to offer will flock to the State Fair to get a short break away from their homely, sick lives. If you think that’s too harsh, just wait a second and take a load of this fucking guy from last year’s State Fair.

I’ve been stewing on this blog for a full year since I was made aware that people like this exist. Who in their right fucking mind would camp out for 11 hours just to get into a place that will already be open for 12 whole days. There’s no limit to how many people can go in. You can show up any time you want and they’ll just let you walk right in. You just camped overnight to get a 6 a.m. corndog. That’s not a dig at corndogs by the way. I fucking love a good corndog.

But taking vacation days to go to the State Fair!? Are you fucking crazy!? If I met this guy in public, I would fear for my life. I would rather he said he just got done committing a triple homicide than admit that he uses his PTO to walk around the State Fair for two weeks. People that go to the Fair every single day need to be on a watchlist somewhere. There may be no bigger indicator of pre-crime. I do respect him for doing it strictly out of spite for that Packers fan, however. That’s a team move.

I’m aware that my colleague Nick Lewis is one of these people. Although I don’t know him personally, he seems like a very nice and well-kept guy, so I won’t hold it against him. That being said, there’s a high probability of him committing a violent crime in the future. He along with all the other State Fair enthusiasts needs to be monitored by our national government as a matter of public safety.

I have nothing against people who attend the fair once or twice a year. The first time can be fun, the second time is fine, and if you’re going any more than that your right to vote should be stripped away. I’m a firm believer that one trip to the fair for like 4 hours is the perfect amount of time. Go at night, grab a few things to eat, drink heavily, and watch the cretins that are State Fair regulars prowl around the fairgrounds all night. Besides that, the fair really has nothing else to offer besides a lot of meat sweat, and an enormous amount of garbage human beings. State Fair people are the cousins of the people who take vacations to the Mall of America. Both need to be heavily surveilled.

With all that being said, if you are attending the fair this week, make sure to check out that psychopath Nick Lewis’ blog for the best food & drink recommendations. It has great advice for the 4 hours you should be there. Just make sure to not take too much of his advice.