Sucking off Tom Brady, One More Time

Football NFL Uncategorized

NFL legend Tom Brady has won yet another Super Bowl at FOURTY THREE years old. Unless you’re an Amish youth who just started rumspringa, this isn’t the first time you’re hearing that stat. Shit, this news has been on repeat for the better part of a week now! Trying to make his achievement sound better seems difficult, but consider this: Tom Brady is five years older than when Michael Jordan signed with the Wizards and three years older than when Jordan retired for the last time. The greatest quarterback who has ever blessed the NFL has completely silenced all of the remaining haters, of which there are MANY.

The Offseason

Following a mediocre finish to the 2019-2020 NFL season with an early playoff exit, Tom Brady called his shot. It was February 5th, 2020 and he was being honored as one of the NFL’s top 100 players. In my opinion, it’s insulting to put another 99 players on the field to compare him to. On that day he proclaimed “I’m not wearing a blazer to the Super Bowl next year”. At that time, the rumors started swirling because he didn’t say who he’d be playing for, but there was little to back up any change in scenery.

After his dwindling relationship with the Patriots organization was made public, it wasn’t a surprise to see Tom sign somewhere else. He wanted to pursue another title and play the game on his own terms. After putting up with the dictatorship of Belichick for 20 years, can you blame the guy!? Obviously the results speak for themselves, but staying in Foxborough would be like staying in a toxic relationship just because the sex is good and they’ll do that dirty thing nobody else will.

Tampa Bay wasn’t the original spot Tom had his eye on. He wanted to go back to his hometown and play for San Francisco. After just having losing in the Super Bowl, the 49ers made the biggest bonehead move and passed. Can you imagine saying “no thanks” to a demi-god, only to watch him have another career year? IDIOTS!! Less intelligent people will point out that the 49ers were bit by the injury bug HARD this year and he couldn’t have made a difference. What they don’t understand is that he brings the TB12 method and magic potions with him wherever he goes.

A Tampa Savior

Ultimately, Brady made his decision and left for Tampa Bay. He was taking on a mediocre 7-9 team who was middle of the pack in the NFC South. The decision to play in a warm-weather climate with more concentrated oxygen at sea-level was a no-brainer to prolong his career. Not only that, but he was taking on a roster with better offensive weapons than any team he’d had since the was throwing DIMES to Randy Moss. Another perk of Brady being Brady, talent gravitates towards him and coaches trust his input. Due to his influence, the Bucs also took a risk and brought in the likes of Rob Gronkowski, Antonio Brown, and Leonard Fournette as well.

2020-2021 Regular Season

Despite all of the off-season hype and media surrounding his decision, the Bucs dropped their first game of the year to inter-divisional rival and generally hate-able team, New Orleans. They would go on to lose to the Saints for a second time along with the likes of the lowly Bears on their way to an unimpressive 7-4 record before a matchup with the reigning super bowl champions in Kansas City. In what ended up being a close game, the Bucs lost 27-24 and the media went crazy. There was talks about the GOAT torch being passed and the downfall of Brady finally being imminent. Bruce Arians even had comments putting some blame on the play and decisions of Brady. If you know anything about how the entity that is Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr works, this “bulletin board material” is the fire that fuels him.

Brady Goes Super Saiyan

Tom Brady led the Buccaneers to a Final record of 11-5, winning each of their last four games in the regular season. It was the first playoff appearance for the franchise in THIRTEEN years! Not only was Brady playing better, but the defense was coming in to their own as well. They allowed less than 19 points while scoring 37 on average for both. If that weren’t enough, 43 year old Brady did all this while leading the league in deep passes (20+ yards) downfield. He had enough of all you assholes (incorrectly) saying he was a “dink and dunk, system quarterback”. The spite of this man is something I can relate to on a personal level and might be the best part of Brady.


Wild Card Round: Washington Football Team

Tom entered the playoffs in unfamiliar territory. Believe it or not, he had only played in four Wild Card round games in his entire career. Each of those were all at home after winning his division. This year, he’d have to go through each round of the playoffs, and he’d have to do it on the road…starting with the Washington Football Team and the 4th ranked defense in the league. Chase Young was widely quoted as saying, “I want Brady” after narrowly making it out of the NFC Least. This is the equivalent of poking the bear. Well…history will show he got Brady and he got a fat “L” to go along with it.

Divisional Round: New Orleans Saints

Next, Tom was set to take on a familiar foe in the New Orleans Saints. The NFL’s 2nd-Ranked defense posed more problems than the WFT, but if any adage was proven to be true in this matchup, it’d be “It’s hard to beat a team three times in one season”. Not only was Brady playing against that defense, but he was playing directly against Drew Brees as well. Brady and Brees have been racing neck-and-neck for the NFL TD record for the better part of two years until Brees spent much of this year sidelined with a rib injury. Brady, the United States’ greatest hero, had won the NFL’s space race and put an exclamation mark on it by doing so in the playoffs.

NFC Championship: Green Bay Packers

After defeating the defensive rookie of the year in the first round and a future first-ballot Hall of Famer in the second round, Brady and the Bucs traveled to Green Bay. Now, he and the rest of the Bucs had to take on Aaron Rodgers – the current season’s MVP and touchdown leader in the NFL. If you know anything about Brady, he’s got a pretty stellar record against NFL MVP’s in the playoffs. People liked to tout the difference that Lambeau’s “Frozen Tundra” plays, but they forgot that Brady is the best cold-weather QB in playoff history.

A less educated person would point out that Brady had 3 Interceptions in the game and call his performance “pedestrian”, but don’t listen to that heresay. He threw for 280 yards and 3 TD’s and two of those interceptions weren’t a fault of his own doing. The guy was a leader on and off the field and kept morale up. The defense came through with a few key stops despite missing Antoine Winfield Jr. and Devan White for the better part of the game. The whole “do your job” mantra that Brady was so used to in New England had made it’s way to Tampa Bay and led to the Bucs winning the football game. Nobody talks about it, but Aaron Rodgers is sneaky good…at losing in the playoffs.

Greatness, Personified

In traditional Brady fashion, he was setting records again. Thanks to 3-straight NFC wins, he’d now beaten TWENTY different teams in the playoffs with eight of them being from the NFC. He’s only played in the NFC for one year! At this point, I’m not sure he’ll retire until he crushes every franchise’s hopes in a playoff game. Following the game, Brady and Gronk re-made the famous “Bad Boys” video on their way to yet another super bowl together. A hyper-petty and online-savvy move you just have to respect at this point.
Bad Boys for Life

Super Bowl Recap

We all watched the Super Bowl, so I won’t spend your time or mine recapping that game. I mean, who would want to re-live the absolute DRUBBING the Chiefs experienced. The unfathomable beatdown that the Buccaneers put down. The historic win that put one more exclamation point onto the excitement Brady’s career has brought to the league.

Mahomes did have one stat in the super bowl that will never be broken. He ran for a historic 497 yards before being sacked or throwing the football. That stat doesn’t even include actual rushing yards while scrambling either. Despite his own magic, insane passing mechanisms, and body control, he was let down by his receivers. Sure, he was pressured 38 times to Brady’s 5, but he was still managing to hit his receivers in the head without completions. Sometimes, you just don’t got it, and let me tell you…the Chiefs did NOT have it. This was the first time any Patrick Mahomes team did not score a TD in a game…college or NFL. He’s also never lost an NFL game by double digits. When you play Brady, expect the unexpected.

Stats on Stats on Stats

There are honestly just too many stats and records that Tom Brady broke to write about coherently. After twenty years and six super bowls, you’d think that all of the records were already his, but let’s take a look at some of my favorites:

-This was the first time Tom has scored a touchdown in the first quarter of a Super Bowl. SHOCKING.

-He has played in 18.2% and won 12.7% of ALL super bowls…ever…in the history of the NFL.

-Tom has a better chance to make the super bowl than Steph Curry has at making a 3-pointer at any point in a game.

-His QB Rating of 125.80 was the highest in any one of his Super Bowl appearances. He’s 43 years old and playing his best football NOW? What a specimen, what an absolute machine.

-Brady is the oldest QB to ever win a super bowl. And the 2nd oldest. And also the 4th oldest.

-He’s thrown more TD’s to one player (Gronk) in the playoffs than any other duo in history, passing up Montana (to Rice) yet again. They added another TD later in the game too, just for good measure.

-Tom, as an individual, has now got more Super Bowl rings than any one of the NFL franchises.

-Thomas Edward Patrick Brady now has more Super Bowl MVP’s (5) than any other QB has appearances in the game. Remember when he passed Montana for wins? Childs play.

-This god threw for 50 touchdowns on the year. Of that he went for 33 TD’s and ZERO INT’s in the redzone this season. Eli and that dumbass face he makes couldn’t imagine a season with zero redzone picks.

-There are now Super Bowl wins on his resume from THREE SEPARATE DECADES.

-The list of all time playoff wins leaders in the NFL goes like this: Tom Brady-34. Tom Brady in Conference Championships & Super bowls only-17. Tom Brady since turning 37 (& Joe Montana)-16.

The Parade

At this point in the blog my shorts are tight and I might need a new pair by the end of it all. Maybe it’s because I’ve never seen a human being look that good in a t-shirt and maybe it’s because I’m a stats guy, sue me. The only thing that Brady is better at than playing football, is celebrating. The “work-hard, play-hard” mentality is evident wit this guy and he has more fun than just about anyone. Name someone else that would have the balls to just THROW the league championship trophy from one boat to the next with reckless abandon. As expected, the pass was perfect and hit his receiver right in the hands.

Treating the Lombardi like a Vortex

Brady and Gronk are so used to holding parades on duckboats up in New England that this was a walk in the park. After studying film, he took some lessons from the Tampa Bay Lightning’s boat parade a few months beforehand and improved upon it. This was the first time he was able to show off his $2MILLION dollar boat…all of which could be paid for with the game bonuses from the playoff run this year. Work hard, and bet on yourself folks.

The haters were out in full-force again after having to endure the fun Tom brought to the celebration. Some calling for his head for getting drunk on a boat on a beautiful day. Whomst among us in the land of 10,000 lakes hasn’t been there? I, for one, won’t stand for it. Mind your own damn business and let my man live!


Career Comparisons

The goalposts have moved for Brady’s comparisons his entire career. After following up Drew Bledsoe in New England, he was quickly crowned the greatest QB in franchise history. The next step was passing Broadway Joe, Jim Kelly and Dan Marino as the greatest in Division History. Then he hit a stall as he was battling Johnny Unitas and Peyton Manning for the title of Greatest in Conference History. The head-to-head matchups and elongated career of Brady outlasted Peyton and those conversations faded into a distant memory too. Finally, he surpassed Joe Montana as the greatest in NFL History. Whether you think this happened after Brady won his 4th, 5th, or 6th is irrelevant and more of an indication of how stubborn you are than anything else.


Now, Tom is being compared to the greatest athletes of all time. You could make cases for Jordan or Bill Russel based on MVP votes or overall number of title rings, but you’re taking the physicality of football and longevity of Brady’s career out of the equation at that point. I’ll be the first to admit that Tom is NOT the most athletic person of all time. He may not even be the most talented QB of all time. What makes Tom the greatest athlete of all time is his dedication to his body and the sport paired with the ability to bring a winning mindset and increased dedication of his teammates wherever he goes. The fact that he has played at a sustained level of high performance throughout his career brings other athletes up to achieve their own potential. It’s something you got a glimpse of in the Jordan documentary, but people hated Jordan for it. Tom is able to achieve the same level of influence while maintaining personal and professional relationships. His influence on himself and those around him is unimaginable.

He’s Here to Stay

ONE DAY after the super bowl, Mike Evans had already reached out to Arians to re-structure a deal to keep the team together. This is a move that Brady did multiple times in New England, and everyone knows how that turned out. Now that he’s proven himself (again) outside of the Patriots organization, more vets will follow. People ring chase later in their careers and if you don’t expect that to happen here, your head is so far up your ass I’ll bet you can smell what you had for breakfast.

After being handed the Lombardi trophy for the SEVENTH TIME IN HIS CAREER, Jim Nantz could barely get his question out before Brady put the league on notice…again. Paraphrasing or not, everyone knows that when he said, “You know we’re coming back” he meant “I’m not fucking leaving”! This ring was The Stairway to Seven, and I’m now accepting submissions for what to call his quest for an eighth.