Sworn In: Best Potential NHL Vice President

Everything Else Hockey Wild

Recently Robert F. Kennedy Jr. (this is not a political ad) announced that both former
Packer QB Aaron Rodgers and former Minnesota governor and WWE Superstar
Jesse “The Body” Ventura was at the top of his list for his potential vice president.

For us Viking fans, holy smokes would it be terrible to see Rodgers directing and governing us. Could you imagine all the whining about not having good players around him. This guy knows how to ball, but politics and football don’t mix.

Get me The Body up there in Washington, he’s not going to mess around and ain’t nobody going to mess with him.

Now, I don’t know shit about fuck when it comes to politics, but I can tell you, that this got me to thinking…

Who in the NHL could serve as the best vice Commander in Chief to whomever the big dog is. I took no factual data into account for this top ranking, other than the qualifications of being an active NHL Player, a natural-born U.S. citizen, being at least 35 years old and being a resident in the U.S for at least 14 years…

Zach Parise (39 years old)

I mean this guy is a fine wine, he just keeps getting better with age. Being one of the older players on this list, Parise is still bringing it at the age of 39. At this age, I’m not concerned with him falling off any bikes. Additionally, the dude grinds and isn’t afraid of anyone or anything. Who doesn’t love a grinder? I The only knock, he’s a short king, not giving me 100% confidence in his ability to strike a ton of fear against other countries, but he’ll always leave us with everything out there.

Ryan Suter (39 years old)

The dude is a workhorse. Say what you will, but the dude can eat minutes on the ice. He’s currently playing about 23 minutes a game, no easy feat at 39. This dude would be starting his day early and ending late, exactly what you want in a politician. Doing the work for the good of the people. He’s got that farmer strength as well and that bodes well with the leaders of the world. He’s also a dick. I feel like that alone is reason to believe the Spicy Chicken Penne merchant would make a solid politician.

Jonathan Quick (38 years old)

Put this guy up for anything with our country’s defense, nothing is getting past Quick. The dude is an absolute stud and is still stopping pucks. Plus, look at him in red, white, and blue. Like they say, defense wins championships, could use Quickie in the White House.

Jack Johnson (37 years old)

A vet, a glue guy, a bit of a journeyman. He would be the blue-collar guy that the White House is looking for. He’s played for 6 teams across his NHL career. This bodes well for any politician as he has connection to the people. The guy also has tough background, with the money that he earned and his parent’s being some real assholes with the mismanagement of it. I like it, dude can overcome obstacles and still be successful. Consider me in on Jackie boy.

Patrick Kane (35 years old)

Showtime baby. Kaner would provide a bit of a flair from the fossils that that run our country. I think Patty would be able to provide the White House with some levity and wouldn’t take his job too seriously, but when it comes down to brass tax, the dude is going to perform under the biggest spotlight (Sarge paid me to put Kane on this list). Plus just imagine what would happen if we tell him that Putin is a cab driver.

Joe Pavelski (39 years old)

Pavelski would be awesome to have as the VP. He’s a big golf guy and that’s what we need. We need more politicians who are more like real Americans, not these big fancy big-wigs who come from money. The dude was born in Plover, WI, for Pete’s sake. Talk about the American dream, grow up in the Midwest, be a stud hockey player and sick golfer (shot a 65 before). I would feel confident with him running our country (or at least hitting the course).

Blake Wheeler (37 years old)

Another guy who looks good in red, white and blue. This dude has spoken up about politics in the past, therefore feel he’s already ahead of the curve. Supposedly, this guy’s nickname is Captain Wrench. Can you image putting him up against Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin, “Hello, Commies, let me introduce our Vice President, Captain Wrench.” Captain Wrench has my vote.

Phil Kessel (36 years old)

Hot dogs. What’s more American than hot dogs?

Patrick Maroon (35 years old)

This might be a bit of bias. Patty Maroon is just a solid guy. He’s tough as nails and won’t take shit from anyone, right Jack Edwards? He’s got personality, can score big goals when needed and will fuck you up, when the time is needed. He’d definitely beat the wheels off anyone who would try and step to the Vice President.There’s only one person left that I can think of that would make a better VP…

T.J. Oshie (36 years old)

T.J. “Sochi” is how he would have to run for a Vice President nominee. I mean the dude looks great (move over JFK), his wife is a missile (sorry Melania) and can defeat communism with his slick shootout moves. He also hasn’t played in Canada, so that has to be another plus, he’s one of the originals. Plus this guy can dummy absolutely anyone. Give me Mr. Sochi as a potential running mate any day.

Sign up to be in the newsletter gang

We don’t spam! Read our privacy policy for more info.