Boom, you fell for the Barbie slander. Sorry, not sorry you gullible son of a bitch. Welcome to the internet. Don’t feel bad, even the best get gotten from time to time.
There’s been a lot of discourse and hostile discussions about the Barbie movie since its debut nationally. I, for one, don’t get any of it. I’m not some fragile man that’s threatened by a movie where I’m not the target audience to begin with. I’m not here to point out that the plot was unoriginal and shockingly similar to both The Lego Movie and Free Guy. I won’t go on some tirade about how Barbie manipulated Kens to fight against one another to further her own agenda. I most certainly won’t bring up how women have stripped every man’s Mojo Dojo Casa away from him and exiled it to a corner of the basement or garage.
Instead, I feel it’s more prudent to discuss the most important part of the film…Ken’s immaculate fits! I’m well aware that none of these outfits are things you’re gonna wear on an everyday basis. That would be insane. But, for the love of God, live your life. Go out with a little bit of “flair” every once in a while and have some fun!
10) Space Suit
I am aware that this is impractical for 90% of the year. With that being said, imagine showing up to an outdoor event in January rocking this. If we’re being blunt, there’s little to no difference between this and most snow suits. The only thing separating you from all the snowmobilers will be the lack of “Castle X” or “FXR” branding plastered all over your clothes and you’re better off without that anyway.
9) Disco Jumpsuit
Let me be as clear as I can be regarding this getup. I want it, badly. I’ve already searched for it online high and low. Unfortunately it doesn’t exist…yet. I am proclaiming now and would bet my entire life savings that Barbie + Ken outfits will be the most popular thing for Halloween this year. It’s not even going to be close. This disco jumpsuit should be among the best-sellers. Who cares that it looks like something a slimy Miami club owner would do blow in. That’s part of the allure.
8) The Barbie Jacket
This is exactly what you expected to see in the Barbie movie. It’s stamped with the brand from top to bottom and front to back and all in the signature colors too. Hell, it even has a Mattel patch on it! I don’t have the slightest clue what you’d pair this jacket with but it has ALL the makings of a signature piece. Something that you could either wear or frame and neither would be thought of as crazy.
7) Pastel Beach Set
Matching sets are all the rage right now. What used to be thought of as dorky and reserved for pajamas has made its way back. Now bring in the bright colors and a pattern and you’ve got a full on summer outfit. the only thing holding this one back is the material. This synthetic garbage is certainly film-worthy but if you’re gonna be trying to have fun in the sun, go for a linen option. Trust me.
6) All Black Everything
Maybe it’s the suppressed midwestern emo kid in me but this slaps. If you told me this screenshot was from an un-released 2008 Fall Out Boy video, I’d have to believe you. Also, everyone looks better in black. It’s been that way forever and it will continue to be that way forever…even in the Barbie-verse. This is not some revolutionary piece of fashion advice, which is why it’s not higher on the list. It’s also stood the test of time and a certified classic, which is why it can’t be put any lower either.
5) Western/Cowboy
To the un-trained eye, this may seem outrageous to put on. In reality, that’s not the case. If you wore this to Nashville, any big rodeo, or the Calgary Stampede, nobody would bat an eye. In fact, there’s a really good chance you’re not even the flashiest dresser there. Why should they get to have all the fun? The fringe/tassels seems like a step too far but they just add movement. Nobody will notice how bad of a dancer you are because their eyes will be glued to your shirt.
4) Rollerblading
If you show up to the function with this fit, you better be wearing good shoes. You’ll have so many people flocking to talk to you that sitting down isn’t an option. The only way someone takes your shine is if they show up in a Dan Flashes shirt with a wickedly complicated pattern. Even then, they don’t have the fanny pack or visor to fall back on. The whole thing is a show-stopping attention grabber.
3) Denim Vest
This is the Mendoza line. Everything from this point on, I would legitimately own and wear frequently. Know what the biggest problem of being tall is? Nothing has sleeves long enough to fit. Jean Jackets are the worst offenders of anything. A jean jacket vest…fixes all that. Finally, everybody knows two things to be factual: drunk cigs don’t count and nobody looks cooler than someone in denim ripping a heater.
2) Barbie font, “I am Kenough” hoodie
This magnificent piece ticks ALL the boxes. Sherpa is in. Tie Dye is back in. Nostalgia remains in. Hot dudes wearing the clothing has ALWAYS been in. The “clever” mental health initiative and message behind it only elevates it as well. Expect to see this on the street in real life, real soon. Hell, I’ve already seen Star Wars branded knock-offs with “I am Kenobi” in the same font. Immediate best seller.
1) Fur Coat, Bandana, & Sunnies
Finally…the pièce de résistance. The undisputed GOAT fit. From renaissance royalty centuries ago to the red carpet today, everyone respects and reveres a fur coat. Except PETA but who gives a shit about those self-righteous pricks. This specific look has “absolute fucking rock star” written all over it. If you stripped away the quality of the imagery and plastered it on a newspaper in the 80’s with a Motley Crue headline, I’m not sure anyone could tell the difference. Ryan Gosling can make anything look good but he takes this to the next level.
You ARE Kenough
If you’re a single person trying to be seen, there’s nothing worse than blending into the crowd. Looking (dressing) exactly like everyone else will put you on the fast track to snoozeville. Everything on the list has some “peacocking” element to it that’ll fix that. After all, we are talking about dressing up like a doll from the 80’s/90’s. Just like this movie, not everything is gonna be a hit but just remember…nobody bats 1.000.
I’ve been hit by cars three times, which is an indication of how stubborn I am.
I write about everything across the board, but focus on Hockey and the pain that is Minnesota sports.
Argue with me on Twitter: @venividiveech