It’s tourney time in Minnesota. Football and volleyball teams are on their way to their State Tournaments. Even the socially challenged and non-athletic just wrapped up their tennis and cross-country seasons. Every high school sport is rolling right now, and it’s prime time for the alumni of the worst high schools you know to talk your ear off about how good their alma mater is and how they would’ve won state if they didn’t blow out their knee.
We all know by now what the worst cities in Minnesota are. It’s high time we suss out which of these high schools pump out the worst alumni before these state tourneys get going.
#10. Hill Murray
Let’s be honest, nobody has meet a good person from Hill Murray, right? It’s a Roman Catholic school whose mascot is a Pioneer. Do you know who’s been responsible for the most genocide over the past 500 years? Catholics and pioneers. Tough look for those alumni.
#9. Mankato East
Take a look at this fucking place. I mean come on. How on Earth can you be proud to say you went here? It looks like a rehab facility for heroin addicts. Something tells me the per capita ratio of Mankato East alumni will a current crystal meth addiction is sky high.
#8. St. Cloud Tech
From the outside, this place looks god damn spaceship. Just an absolute futuristic breeding ground for the bright young minds of the next generation of world leaders. Then you realize it’s located in St. Cloud and everything goes to shit.
Don’t let this place fool you, it is brand new which means that none of Tech’s alumni actually attended it. They attend this cesspool of depravity.
Just a petri dish of the worst St. Cloud has to offer. Any Tech alumni will tell you that the slogan “A Tradition of Excellence Since 1917” should have the school drowning in false advertising lawsuits.
P.S. The crystal meth rates of these alumni are also probably pretty high here as well
#7. East Grand Forks
Gotta admit, EGF alumni are making this list solely due to their proximity to North Dakota. Their essentially all North Dakotans, and I just can’t in good faith respect that. They need to do better. Their school actually doesn’t look too bad and I do love the Green Wave mascot, but my hands are tied here strictly due to geography.
But seriously, their logo fucks.
#6. St. Thomas Academy
There’s a solid chance St. Thomas is on this list far too early. Military school alumni are some of the worst people you will encounter (All respect to the troops though, thank you for your service, bring our boys home.)
That being said, here are some notable military school alumni: Sadam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, Joseph Stalin, Kim Jong Un, need I say more?
Every single STA alumni will mention that they went to STA within the first five minutes of you meeting them guaranteed. You would think they’d be more embarrassed considering the similarities they share with certain individuals.
The only thing keeping STA alumni outside of the top 5 is that it’s an all-boys school, and I’m sure getting to chop it up with the fellas everyday was a hell of a time. Just guys being dudes every day. Still not worth joining the military though.
#5. Duluth Denfeld
Not sure about you, but the look of this place scares the absolute shit out of me. I’ve personally never been here, but every picture I could find haunts me to my core. It’s like the prison from Shawshank. I’m concerned that if I entered this place, I would never be allowed to leave.
How many students have gone missing here? Where have they gone? Why does the groundskeeper float through the halls with a lantern at night?
I’ve personally never met an alumni from here, which only furthers my point. Do they even exist or are their souls all captured by the shadow demon as soon as they graduate? That has yet to be seen.
#4. Aitkin
Oh my, what a shit sandwich the alumni in Aitkin, Minnesota are dealt. Not only did you have to live in Aitkin, but you have to call yourself a Gobbler for the rest of your life? Imagine having to wake up every day, look yourself in the mirror, and call yourself a Gobbler.
Pretty sure their fight song is just a turkey call. “Hi I’m Kyle, Gobbler Class of ’05”
Side note: I personally would like to visit Gobbler Country, sounds like a great time.
#3. Mora
From the extensive research I’ve done on this subject, I believe I’ve finally found a school with zero significant alumni. No athletic sucess, no academic excellence, and the city itself ranks first in the state in incest rates per capita. I myself am notably anti-incest, so that puts Mora and it’s alumni firmly in the top 3 on this list.
If you have an issue with Mora’s alumni being one of the worst in Minnesota, that’s totally fine, but you are a pervert.
#2. St. Cloud Cathedral
You know what’s worse than incest? St. Cloud.
Cathedral’s alumni are just like St. Cloud Tech alumni, except they all come from rich families and none of them have redeeming personalities. Not even a few cool meth-addict alumni sprinkled in there. Just plain vanilla.
Also, imagine voluntarily paying tens of thousands of dollars just to send your kids to St. Cloud for their education? What a poor use of money that is. You’re better off buying your kids black mescaline with that money. At least they can do that outside of St. Cloud’s city limits.
Also, their mascot is the Crusaders, and if there’s anything we learned from Hill Murray is that the Roman Catholics made a few whoopsies (genocidal war crimes) back in the day. Cancelled.
#1. Prior Lake
This one is a no-brainer. You just can’t have constant racist instances and not be on the worst alumni in Minnesota list. All of PL’s alumni are on the racist watchlist.
Hand up, I’m going to go on a limb here and say it, that’s too many racist incidents to happen at the same school. One of those posts is even from 2015 which means that there’s near 30 year old alumni out there who are responsible for that.
If someone mentions they’re rooting for their alma mater, Prior Lake, this tourney season, keep an eye out. There’s apparently a high chance that they’re a garbage human and probably pretty racist.
Launch Prior Lake into the sun. They get the permanent #1 spot on this list until further notice.
Who did I miss?
below average at a few things. bad at a lot of things. Minnesota sports sad boi.