We’re all in agreement that Minnesota is one of the best states in the country, right? Sure the winters are tough, the taxes are high, and our sports teams keep us in a consistent, perpetual state of pain, but everything else about the state makes up for it. Everything, but a few cities that is. Here’s the objective list of the 10 worst cities in all of Minnesota based on facts, and facts alone, with no influence from my personal opinions.
10. Plymouth
Gotta be honest, this one made this list purely on the spelling. Plymouth simply has no business being spelled that way. Not only is it a bottom-tier metro city, but it also can’t even spell its own name right. Figure it out, Plymouth, and maybe you’ll be off the list next year.
9. Lake City
If there’s one thing I hate more than nonsensical town names, it’s liars, and Lake City is the biggest FRAUD in Minnesota. First off, Lake City has no lakes. It has ZERO lakes. You’re telling me, in the Land of 10,000 Lakes, we chose to waste the town name “Lake City” on a city with no lakes!? What are we even doing here? Redraw the border and give it to Wisconsin. We don’t want those phonies in our state anymore.
8. Pipestone
To be completely transparent, Pipestone made this list purely out of spite. They beat my high school in the 2007 girl’s basketball state championship game on a BULLSHIT three. Please watch this ending to see how egregious this missed call was. Her. Foot. Was. On. The Line. Fuck Pipestone, all my homies hate Pipestone.
P.S. I’ve heard the landscape out there is lovely, but that’s irrelevant.
7. Owatonna
Ahh yes, the hometown of Owl City. If this place didn’t exist, we wouldn’t have been cursed with the hellish soundscape that is ‘Fireflies’. Forget giving Owatonna to Wisconsin, fling this place into the sun.
6. Moorhead
So close to the border that it’s basically a North Dakota town by association. I personally love Moorhead, but my hands are tied here. The stink of North Dakota is so strong it hovers over Moorhead like an incessant, unrelenting smog that will never burn off.
5. Le Center
Too French. Le Center tried to spice up their town name one day by slapping a Le on the front of it to seem foreign and exotic, but it’s not fooling any of us. Le Center is just a lazy way of calling your town “The Center”. Which also makes no sense since it’s literally nowhere near the center of Minnesota. That makes this town a liar, lazy, and French, three things you don’t want to be. I hate this town so much I wish I could put it #1, but the next three are so much worse…
4. Fulda
Fulda, Fulda!? Come on, no one can honestly say they’ve heard of this town before. I’m convinced it doesn’t even exist. We’re just making up random towns at this point to fill the map. The way this town’s name hits my ears gives me the willies. Like ‘moist’ or ‘cream’. Hate hate HATE.
Author’s note: After some light research, it turns out Fulda does exist, and their main attraction is this medium-sized shed. Cannot believe this place exists.
3. Albert Lea
See #6. So close to Iowa that it’s on this list purely by association. You just simply can’t be located that close to Iowa. Huge mistake by Albert Lea. Be better.
2. Bloomington
I’m a firm believer that the Mall of America is the worst place on the planet. Too many people, too many smells, too many kids. The only good thing about Bloomington is the airport which is a red flag since its sole purpose is to take you far away from Bloomington.
Note: if Camp Snoopy comes back, Bloomington may be off this list completely
1. Saint Cloud
There was only one way this list was going to end. It had to be St. Cloud. The Florida of Central Minnesota in all the worst ways. The gooch, if you will, of our beautiful state. The disappointing, cracked-out cousin of the family that always makes everyone uncomfortable, but no one says anything because he’s too geographically landlocked to kick him out of the family. Everyone who’s made a trip to St. Cloud for the weekend has left as a shell of themselves with less money, less dignity, and less of a grasp of what is right and wrong in this world. Burn this place to the ground.
Welp, that’s the 2023 list. Let’s all do our part of holding these cities accountable this year so they don’t make this list in 2024.
below average at a few things. bad at a lot of things. Minnesota sports sad boi.