Succession is coming back. The new Season 3 trailer of Succession dropped yesterday and I am fucking HYPE for it. If you haven’t seen Succession, you’re missing out. Each episode is basically an hour of billionaires telling each other to fuck off while they do horrible things to each other. It is incredible television, so if you’re not caught up, you have an assignment: before you finish this blog go watch the first two seasons of Succession on HBO Max and get back to me. If you don’t like Succession, well… fuck off.
Cousin Greg – Victor Rask
Soft-spoken, but a bit timid, nobody in the family really likes him. It’s not always entirely clear why he’s here, but he is fun to laugh at. Plus they look alike. I may or may not have been waiting to write this blog since I first noticed Victor Rask looks like Cousin Greg months ago. Look at that lettuce! Regardless of his professional performance, by all accounts he’s a pretty good dude.
Kendall Roy – Kirk Cousins
Touted as the golden boy and the savior of the organization, it became very clear early on that he was a bit of a headcase and struggled under pressure. He also struggled whenever the situation around him was not ideal, making mistakes that seemed very avoidable from the outside looking in. He is also completely devoid of swag, no matter how hard he tries. Despite all that, he has spent the last few years refining his killer instinct and looks to be ready to take his game to the next level this season.
Logan Roy – Glen Taylor
The oldest and wealthiest figure, who also has the most power, (although not for long!). This person has been loudly and frequently lambasted by just about every single person outside of their organization, many of whom specify his snakelike tendencies. He preaches loyalty above all but doesn’t hesitate to put long-time allies out to pasture when it suits him.
Shiv Roy – Marney Gellner
A brilliant mind and terrific communicator, she is able to prove the haters wrong early and often. She’s very charismatic and likable that even her goofs are endearing. It’s pretty clear to everyone paying attention that she’s one of the best at what she does.
Tom Wambsgans – Joe Mauer / Zach Parise
This one’s a doubleheader because it works a little too well…A Minnesota boy who came from modest means, made a TON of money but now is hated by everyone. He likes to work hard, but also appears to always be burdened with having to deal with everyone else’s shit. He’s a tough guy sometimes, but has a history of actually being a softie in the big moments.
Roman Roy – Anthony Edwards
The young gun who just says whatever the fuck comes to his mind. He definitely appears to be the dumbest, but might actually be a genius? At the very least, he knows his strengths and has the self-assuredness to stand tall in the face of criticism. He’s also directly responsible for some of the best one-liners around.
Connor Roy – Brian O’Neill
The forgotten one. The guy who you look at and go “oh yeah, you exist. Neat.” You need him around to make everything work, but it’s usually best when he’s in the background. Even if he is good for a few good moments. Obviously, O’Neill isn’t as…experienced…as Connor, but now he is the senior most offensive lineman the Vikings have, so that’s the comparison.
Marcia Roy – Lindsay Whalen
She may come across as innocent, but she is not afraid to be a stone-cold killer when the time comes. People are constantly underestimating her, though they definitely do so at their own peril.
Ewan Roy – Chris Tomasson
The old head who just won’t let go. He stays to serve as a warning for anyone that will listen, but really is pretty inconsequential and has a problem with knowing his boundaries.
Stewy – Kevin Fiala
A player with a lot of swag and confidence, even if he’s not consistently around. He’s doing well for himself, but no matter what happens, everything he does feels a little bit like he’s valuing himself higher than others do. That’s not really a bad thing, it just leads you to wonder how long he’ll actually be around? Either way, he’s one of my favorites.
Gerri – Cheryl Reeve
A boss ass bitch. She’s not always perfect, but most of the time, she is. She is one of the smartest people around, even if people (incorrectly and undeservedly) think of her as an afterthought. Seriously, she’s awesome and should get more praise.
Minnesota sports weren’t stressful enough, so I went to Auburn. Diehard everything fan. Will drink beer for money. Deathly allergic to chicken.