There’s no football on, the NHL and NBA are done, and all we have left to watch is meaningless MLB games. You know what that means: it’s power ranking season. Today we’re taking on the daunting task of power ranking all 122 “Big 4” Minnesota athletes.
I plugged all 122 players currently on the Twins, Timberwolves, Vikings, & Wild into my newly developed algorithm to see where they all match up with one another and to find out who’s the most valuable athlete in Minnesota. The criteria is simple: the better player you are, the higher you rank on the list. The worse you are, the lower you are on the list.
I had to cut the Vikings roster as close to a 53-man as I could, so only the top two players at each position on the depth chart are included here. The Twins 26-man roster gets a little messy with player movement and injuries, so there’s a few extra guys included in addition to the 26. The full rosters for the Wild and Wolves are included as of June 30, but we’ll see how that holds up after NHL & NBA free agency.
Remember, this is a list based on computer analytics alone with zero input from my own personal biases. Absolutely zero. That being said, if I could’ve put Max Kepler and KAT at 121 & 122 respectively, I would’ve.
Okay, here we go:
122. Matt Ryan
Gotta be honest here, I had no fucking clue this guy even existed. Not a chance he’d be last on this list if he played for the Vikings with a name like that.
121. Troy Reeder
120. Wendell Moore Jr.
119. Benton Whitely
118. Leonard Miller
117. Brent Headrick
116. Brandon Powell
115. Josh Minott
114. Jack Podlesny
113. Williams Kwenkeu
112. Jaylen Clark
111. Kenta Maeda
I know he’s been good in the past and has battled injuries lately, but dear God is he bad right now.
110. James Lynch
109. Austin Schlottmann
108. T.J. Smith
107. Chris Reed
106. Nathan Knight
105. Zach Ojile
104. Josh Oliver
103. Jose Miranda
102. Mekhi Blackmon
101. Alex Goligoski
Enough With The Scrubs, Onto The Top 100 Minnesota Athletes
100. Austin Rivers
99. John Klingberg
98. DeWayne McBride
97. Edouard Julien
96. Nickeil Alexander-Walker
95. Trevor Larnach
94. Josh Metellus
93. Luka Garza
These are the eyebrows of a man who’s about to wreck shit next year. Had to crack the top 100 based on his 9 years at Iowa alone.
92. D.J. Wonnum
91. Max Kepler
90. Ty Chandler
89. Nick Mullens
88. Blake Brandel
87. Johnny Mundt
86. Calen Addison
85. Lewis Cine
84. Harrison Phillips
83. Connor Dewar
82. Mason Shaw
It was inevitable these two beauties were going to be right next to each other. Hopefully Shaw’s knee comes back from the dead before the end of next season.
81. Griffin Jax
80. Ryan Reaves
79. Akayleb Evans
78. Jon Merrill
77. Emilio Pagan
76. Jake Middleton
75. Dean Lowry
74. Jorge Lopez
73. Jalen Nailor
72. Jorge Polanco
71. Olisaemeka Udoh
70. Oskar Sundqvist
69. Jalen Reagor, nice
With an ass like his, it only makes sense that he was #69. Guy is so thick he got his own coach fully horned-up in front of the media.
68. Kene Nwangwu
67. Ryan Jeffers
66. Jordan Addison
65. Brandon Duhaime
64. Marcus Davenport
63. Ed Ingram
62. Willi Castro
We Have Now Reached The The Halfway Point
61. Sam Steel
60. Pablo Lopez
59. Brock Stewart
58. Marc Andre-Fleury
57. Ryan Wright
56. Alex Kirilloff
55. Ryan Hartman
54. Byron Murphy Jr.
53. Jordan McLaughlin
52. Donovan Solano
51. Greg Joseph
I know being high on a Vikings kicker never ends well, but this dude nailed some huge game-winners last year. You could argue he should be higher on the list, but then again, he’s a kicker for the Vikings.
The Top 50
Congrats to these individuals for making into the prestigious Top 50 list.
50. Royce Lewis
49. Jaylen Nowell
48. Gustav Nyquist
47. Garrett Bradbury
46. Christian Vazquez
45. Michael Taylor
44. Khyiris Tonga
43. Freddy Gaudreau
42. Bailey Ober
41. Marcus Johannsen
JOJO kept the Wild offense rolling throughout the second half of the season last year. All credit to Billy G for picking him up at the deadline and re-signing him for the next two years.
40. Cam Bynum
39. Matt Dumba
38. Mike Conley
37. Ezra Cleveland
36. Sonny Gray
35. Marcus Foligno
34. Kyle Farmer
33. Matz Zuccarello
32. Jordan Hicks
31. Andrew Booth Jr.
30. Marcus Davenport
29. Joey Gallo
28. Brock Faber
27. Brian Asamoah II
26. Johan Duran
25. Joe Ryan
This guy is DEALING right now. The muzzy & hair combo he’s got going is great for the brand too. Hopefully this doesn’t jinx him and he climbs up the list by the end of the season.
24. Filip Gustavsson
23. Alexander Mattison
22. Kyle Anderson
21. Jared Spurgeon
20. Brian O’Neill
19. Andrew DePaola
18. Naz Reid
Naz Reid.
17. C.J. Ham
16. Harrison Smith
15. Danielle Hunter
14. Jonas Brodin
13. Jaden McDaniels
12. T.J. Hockenson
11. Karl Anthony-Towns
Does anybody in Minnesota like KAT? Absolute clown show. Hopefully he’s not on the roster by the time this gets posted.
The Top 10 Minnesota Athletes
10. Kirk Cousins
Say what you will about Kirk, but this guys deserves to be in the top 10 at the very least. He’s going to own every Vikings passing record by the time he’s done here. So what if he can’t win the big games. No one in Minnesota can.
9. Byron Buxton
8. Matt Boldy
7. Rudy Gobert
6. Joel Eriksson-Ek
Look at this fucking goober. The most underrated player in Minnesota by a country mile. Our sweet prince. If you need any further proof look at how the Wild went from absolutely humming to ousted in the first round after JEE went down.
5. Carlos Correa
4. Christian Darrisaw
3. Anthony Edwards
These top three guys are the future of Minnesota sports as a whole. Ant is far too good to be on the Timberwolves. Michael Jordan Jr. I hope he stays here forever.
2. Kirill Kaprizov
The chosen one. Our sweet boy. Our Soviet Savior. This guy may single-handedly bring a Stanley Cup to the state of Minnesota one day. Easily the best hockey player in Wild franchise history. He can do no wrong.
1. Justin Jefferson
It had to be JJ, right? The catch against the Bills puts him in the Top 10 alone. Then you add the fact he’s broken basically every receiving record for a guy in his first 3 years and it’s a no-brainer. Pay this man his money. Give him literally whatever he wants next offseason and keep him happy for as long as you can.
That’s it, that’s the 100% accurate list according to the algorithm. I’m sure there will be no disagreements over it. Take up any conflicts with the computer.
Who’s too high? Who’s too low? Hit me up, let’s duke it out.
below average at a few things. bad at a lot of things. Minnesota sports sad boi.