Fast 9

F9 is THE Summer Blockbuster of 2021

Everything Else
Veech

Holy. Shit. The new Fast and Furious movie from The Fast Saga is already my favorite film of all time and F9 doesn’t even drop until June 25th. Two full months of adrenaline-filled wait time, this must be how suburban housewives feel putting away Halloween decorations as Christmas approaches! If you haven’t seen the trailer yet, take the time out of your day to watch this MASTERPIECE.

F9 will be cinematic GOLD

From stealing DVD players to THIS INSANITY!

The entire basis of this franchise is patently ridiculous at this point…and I LOVE IT. We’ve got cars FLYING and now we’re adding super-magnets that seemingly only affect the bad guys in this one!? Who gives a shit if they ripped off 6 Underground?! IT’S THE FAST AND THE FUCKING FURIOUS BABY!!!! What the hell, why not! If you want a realistic movie, feel free to go check out “Marriage Story” “This is 40” or “Manchester by the Sea” and try to tell me you don’t want to jump off a fucking bridge.

Everybody’s entitled to their own opinion, but if you prefer to come out of a theater utterly depressed rather than full of happiness and adrenaline, maybe try talking to someone about that? I imagine I’d enjoy a good cry as much as the next person, but I haven’t cried since that Sarah McLachlan sad dog commercial left late-night TV (editor’s note: if you didn’t cry at the end of Furious 7, you have no soul) and I’m not about to break that streak now.

Somewhere along the line, I lost touch with Dom & the rest of the gang family. Honestly, it was probably after Tokyo Drift where the franchise strayed from its bread and butter. Shortly after Tokyo Drift, however, is when superstars like The Rock started showing up in the movies for major roles and even spinoffs. I couldn’t tell you what those roles were, but I’ve been jealous of everyone that’s kept up with the movies. The five minutes I’d catch while flipping through the channels have been ELECTRIC and everyone knows that The Rock doesn’t miss. Like King Midas, everything he touches turns to GOLD.

What’s more could they do?

Is this a money-grab for some new actors? Absolutely. Does that change the opinion I’ve already formed about the film? Absolutely fucking NOT. Athletes flock to championship caliber teams after they’ve already established themselves and this is no different. One thing that IS different this time around, there’s a new face in town.

The John Cena bit never gets old

What do you add to a franchise that’s already had Gal Gadot, Jason Statham, DJ Khaled, (ANOTHA ONE!) and one TWO superstar wrestler rejuvenates it? There’s only one thing you can add and HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA! He’s here and, get this, he’s got hair! Oh, that’s not enough to make you interested? That’s fine, they’ve also incorporated certified BOMBSHELL Charlize Theron into the plot too! (editor’s note: I know Veech is a filthy casual who hasn’t watched these movies but Charlize was the villain of F8 of the Furious) If you’re not already making plans to go see this with your friends, you’ve got a massive dump in your pants.

Theatres WILL Be Packed Again

Across the country, movie theatres are already preparing their staff. They haven’t seen this much buzz since Wall Street Bets and Reddit took over the stock market and pumped AMC’s market value. They’ve stocked up on Sour Patch Kids and Icees as the youth of America returns to the big screen. For this movie alone, I’ve heard there’s plans in place to address all the energy drinks that are snuck in. The 2021 Oscars are taking place on Sunday, April 25th. That may be the very last Oscars show needed if this franchise can pump out a new movie every year. It’s a guaranteed winner in every category.

Some people got a little too hype for the release. They recreated the bridge scene from “2 Fast 2 Furious”!

Brian O’Connor would be proud

People have long ridiculed the way this franchise labels their movies, but I’ve figured this one out. It’s simply titled “F9” and the F is for FUCKING AWESOME. My body is ready. RIP Paul Walker, and long live the Fast franchise!