The Minnesota Twins Should Cheat This Year


Opening day is almost here, and it’s time for the Minnesota Twins to start cheating. There it is, I said it. I’m speaking on behalf of all Twins fans, we are fucking SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT!! Every Twins fan with a semi-functional brain knows that management, for YEARS, has not properly addressed our needs as a team… STAR PITCHING


If the Minnesota Twins are never going to make any significant moves (like trading Buxton) we might as well take a page out of the Astros/Carlos Correa’s book and start cheating at the plate. We signed him to that massive contract so we might as well make the most of it.  

Let’s Time Travel Back to 2017

In the 2017 World Series, specifically game 5, the Astros did NOT swing at ANY of Kershaw’s breaking balls. Zero. He threw 51 breaking pitches and the Astros “miraculously” didn’t swing at any of them. Fifty-fucking-one!! Are you kidding me??

This Twitter account was fucking gold RIP to @AsteriskTour

Believe it or not, Kershaw was total ass in the postseason going 9-11 with a 4.43 ERA (as of 2017). However, he’s arguably been the most dominant pitcher in the past decade and relies on his off-speed pitches to ring batters up.

Let’s take a look at the Astros’ home vs away stats from the 2017 postseason:

Astros Home playoff Stats (8-1 record):

Team Avg. .273

On-base % .343

Slugging % .519

Avg runs per game 5.7

Astros Away playoff Stats (3-6):

Team Avg. .208

On-base % .284

Slugging % .347

Avg. runs per game 3

Stats from the 2017 postseason for the Astros:

Alex Bregman: Road – .154 BA, .508 OPS; Home – .273 BA, .857 OPS.

Carlos Correa: Road – .211 BA, .626 OPS; Home – .371 BA, 1.164 OPS.

Jose Altuve: Road – .143 BA, .497 OPS; Home – .472 BA, 1.541 OPS.

Brian McCann: Road – .037 BA, .198 OPS; Home – .300 BA, .849 OPS.

Evan Gattis: Road – .200 BA, .533 OPS; Home – .300 BA, 1.014 OPS

Mac Miller (RIP) said it best, “people lie, numbers won’t”, and the numbers speak for themselves…  CHEATERS!

What was the punishment for cheating in the MLB??

If you’re not familiar with what happened after the dust settled with the Astros cheating scandal here’s their “punishment”

  • Fined $5 million
  • Forfeited their 1st and 2nd round picks in the 2020/2021 drafts
  • GM Jeff Luhnow and manager A.J. Hinch both got suspended for the 2020 season
  • No players were punished because the MLB gave them immunity in exchange for their cooperation

That’s IT… 

If I’m Rocco/Twins organization, I’m willing to get fired to win a World Series. If that’s the punishment for literally knowing exactly which pitch is coming, then give it the green light.  Manturd will just fine the Polands $5 schmill and fire Rocco. It’s a win-win for Rocco too. He wins a World Series and Minny loves him forever! In my eyes, he’s on the HOT seat. 

The bottom line is as long as Manturd is at the helm, there’s no reason not to cheat in baseball. Based on this minuscule punishment, it’s 1000% worth being known as a cheater.