Now, that we’re past Memorial Day and into June, it’s officially summer. Weekends are filling up faster than our guts with ice-cold beer. Minnesotans are headed to the cabin, tee times no longer exist, and wedding parties get crazier and crazier. Summer’s the best time to be alive, and there’s no doubt about it. Of course, some people will argue that Christmas and the holidays are the most magical time of the year. I will agree that decorated houses, plates of cookies, and time with the family are pretty tough to beat. However, have you ever seen a 60-year-old chug a tall-boy, while barefoot waterskiing, before yeeting off into the sunset? That’s what I like to call magic.
Now, we all know that summer’s the best. But when something’s the best, it sometimes needs a reality check to avoid getting big-headed on us. The last thing we need is summer ’23 thinking it doesn’t need to work hard to give us the best time of our lives. That would be a disaster. Therefore, here are the top 5 worst things about summer, in reverse order.
5. Sunburn
Literally, the sun makes it possible for humans to live on Earth. It gives us heat, light, and allows all our food to grow. It even regulates many different processes in the human body, such as the circadian rhythm and vitamin D synthesis. Wow, I’m a nerd! Anyway, all that information brings me back to the point…how have we not evolved to stop sunburns? Human biology figured out walking upright and having opposable thumbs, but if I get a little too careless in the summer, my skin turns into fried bacon. Showering with warm water’s out of the question, it’s painful to lay down, and before you know it, you’re molting. Sunburns are terrible.
4. Porta-potties
We all love summer because of outdoor activities. We live for days on the lake, afternoons at the golf course, and nights walking through the park. No matter what you find yourself doing, eventually, it will happen. After hours of deleting drinks, consuming burgers or brats, and having a grand-ole time, the need will come. And oh boy, does it come quick. Cheeks will clench, the walk will turn into a waddle, and your eyes will be searching for that bright blue structure. When you finally make it to the porta-potty and open the door, immediately you find yourself okay. Because the only thing worse than pooping your pants is sitting in the hot filth of a porta-potty for the next 10 minutes.
3. Having to work when it’s nice out
This one speaks for itself. In addition to having no fun, the FOMO will never be higher. When you live in a large metro area like Minneapolis, people all have different schedules. Remote work, owning a business, or a typical 9-5 means you and your friends might not be able to hang out all the time. Furthermore, you’re not going to stop doing fun things. As a result, when buddy calls to ask about doing shots on his boat at 8:30 am on Wednesday, you might have to say “no,” even if you don’t want to. Nobody wants to say no, but sometimes summer makes you.
2. Swampy/Humidity
As soon as you open the door from the cool 70 degrees your air conditioning keeps the house at, it smacks you in the face. Slaps the comfy right out of your body. Humidity is no joke, and it’s one of the worst parts of summer. Particularly, what humidity does to a person tends to be the reason everyone hates it. The moment you walk into the wall of 95% humidity in a Minnesotan summer, sweat’s already drenched your clothes. Typically, t-shirts, shorts, tank tops, and swimming suits help. Unfortunately, there’s always that one area that can’t breathe. Once it gets swampy, there’s no turning back.
1. Mosquitos and Flies
Zzzzzzzzz. Zzzzzzzzzz. Zzzzzzzzz. That’s the sound of me losing my damn mind every 5 seconds in the summer. If we could rid the earth of every mosquito, fly, or tick, I’d sign off on it. I know it would ruin the ecosystem and whatever, but maybe we give it a try anyway. I’m not trying to say frogs and other animals aren’t important, but they aren’t really that important. I can safely say that if no human were to ever get a mosquito or fly bite, have one buzzing around their head, or be itching from head to toe, the world would be a better place. They are undoubtedly the worst part of summer.
I’m usually not a negative person. I actually pride myself on finding the best in every scenario. However, summer needs to keep working hard to give us its best every day. We need these three months to be perfect because the rest of the year doesn’t always cut it. If I have to bring this month back down to Earth with a top 5 worst blog, I’m happy to do it for the people. Also, we don’t quite have the bandwidth to publish a blog with the best of summer. There’s too much greatness.
I’m just the ugly stepson of the 10K family. Part Minnesotan, Part Wisconsinite. Half best friend, half mortal enemy. Can’t live with me, can’t live without me.