There’s Reason to Believe Kirk Cousins May Actually be Jesus Christ


“So Christ, having been offered once to bear the sins of many, will appear a second time, not to deal with sin but to save those who are eagerly waiting for him.” – Hebrews 9:28

It has long been told that Jesus Christ will come again one day. There have been countless wars, famines, crusades, and genocides caused by this very belief. Well friends, I think that day may have finally come.

I noticed a few things while watching Netflix’s Quarterback that seemed a bit peculiar to me, so I decided to do some digging. Turns out, this thing runs deeper than any of us could’ve guessed. Is there a chance Kirk is actually the second-coming of Christ? The cold, hard facts would say yes.

It’s time to finally answer the age old question: Is Kirk Cousins Him?

Exhibit A: The Parents

As us God-fearing Christians all know, Jesus’s parents are Mary and the Lord God himself. Joseph was, of course, the cuck who quite possibly had the best outcome of any adultery situation of all-time. The only time where it’s cool if your wife cheats on you is if the baby ends up being the Messiah and you receive unlimited clout for the rest of time. He was the father who stepped up.

A stepfather wearing a shirt that says "I'm not the Step Father, I'm the father that STEPPED UP" used here to signal Kirk Cousins may be Jesus Christ

Funny enough, Kirk’s mom is also named Mary. Quite the coincidence isn’t it?

His father’s name is Don. Which is 66% of the way to ‘God’, and kind of sounds similar if you say it fast and really mumble it. This is where everything started to feel a little bit suspect in my book.

Exhibit B: The Vibes

I think we can all admit that Kirk being Jesus just kind of feels right. Not only is Kirk a super religious guy, but he also kind of looks like Jesus a little bit. Not like a realistic picture of what Jesus actually looked like back in the day, but one of those whitewashed portraits you’d find at a Target in Minnetonka. He just gives off big-time Jesus vibes.

We also know that Jesus is an all-time comeback guy. Here’s a guy that you can never count out, even if he’s been buried in a tomb over the weekend. However, if there’s one guy that can compare to the J man in this category, it’s Kirk.

Not only did he tie the record for most 4th quarter comebacks last season, but he also pulled off the biggest comeback in NFL history. Nobody’s better than these two guys when their backs are against the wall, or cross for that matter.

For the record, I’d also put Kim Kardashian Ray J in this top-tier of comeback artists.

Lastly, they both love their accessories:

Kirk Cousins wearing chains after a Vikings win, not unlike Jesus Christ himself
“For which I am an ambassador in chains, that I may declare it boldly, as I ought to speak.” – Ephesians 6:20
Kirk Cousins as his alter ego Kirko Chainz on the team airplane
“For He has weighed me down with chains.”– Lamentations 3:7

Need I say more?

Exhibit C: The Disciples

Jesus had a team of men around him at all times. Just 12 solid, trustworthy dudes (besides Judas, that rat fuck) whose sole purpose is to follow Jesus into battle and protect him at all costs. Their names you ask?

James, Philip, Matthew, Thomas, John, Andrew, Peter, Bartholomew, Thaddeus, Simon, Judas and James again. (The fact that the crew rode two Jameses deep and didn’t come up with a cool nickname for James #2 is an all-time letdown.)

Since Kirk has been in the league, he has also happened to have a pack of men around him at all times who go into battle together week after week. Who are they?

Thomas James (T.J.) Hockenson, Matthew Jones, Cortez Thaddeus (C.J.) Ham Jr., Johnathan Allen, Andrew DePaola, James Lynch, & Andrew Booth to name a few.

Curious. Very curious.

Throw in teammates like Christian Darrisaw and Morgan Moses and this shit starts to get a bit too obvious.

Kirk Cousins Jesus

Exhibit D: The Writers

The story of Jesus was written by four guys who witnessed it all, not that anything in the Bible actually happened, but I what do I know. Their names: Matthew, Mark, Luke, & John.

The story of Kirk Cousins on the other hand is written by the shirt-tucking NFL journalists who love to tear our guy down even though he might be the one, true Messiah. Take a look at the authors of the top four stories mentioning Kirk written in the last two years and see if you notice anything interesting . . .

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and . . . John?

George Costanza saying "Very curious indeed.:

Now all of this seems to be a bit too big of a coincidence to not be signs of something larger going on. I’m not saying that Kirk is 100% the second-coming of Christ. I’m just saying we don’t have enough evidence to prove otherwise.

One thing I do know for sure though. I definitely don’t want to be on the wrong side of history if he turns out to be Jesus. I’ve always operated under the umbrella of ‘better safe than sorry’, so I’m going to claim him as my one true God and see what happens.

Either way, this has to be a sign of good things to come for the Vikings this year. They’re currently at +4000 to win it all which seems like great value considering they literally might have Jesus Christ on their team. I sure wouldn’t want to bet against that guy.

Kirk Cousins Jesus