Time To Install Some Extra Cushion Out In Center

Baseball MLB Twins

Byron Buxton very excited after signing contract extension with Twins |  KSTP.com
The Twins with he huge signing of Byron Buxton

There was a lot of big news in Minnesota sports this week. Of course there was the 10k Cup Snake at the Wild game, but then there was the Twins HUGE signing of Byron Buxton.

It’s finally nice to see an athlete say that they want to be here. I mean…If someone were to cut me a check for 100 million dollars and say your fat ass is living in Wisconsin for 7 years…I’d probably start spitting cheese out of my mouth.

While I’m fucking pumped for Buxton to be on the field here for the long term…I’m hoping he can stay on the field.

If He’s Healthy He’s Gotta Play

There’s no doubt that Byron Buxton is one of, if the THE, most electric player in the MLB. Nothing gives me more of a half chub than watching him haul the fucking mail around the bases while running so fast that his arms naturally start to wing out to as if his body is telling him to slow the fuck down.

As fun and as fast as Byron Buxton is, it’s put him in some bad spots…

It’s tough to say that it’s not his own fault…he’s just out there givn’er all she can handle. But he’s probably givn’er just a little too much. He’s had plenty of history with injury while being a part of the Twins.

It’s fucking awesome that he’s willing to literally run though a wall at 23 miles per hour to try and snag a home run ball but it just ain’t worth it sometimes. I may be wrong, I’m not going to look it up or anything like that because I’m lazy, but in my gut I feel like every time he goes in gets hurt trying to make one of these plays he never actually ends up catching the ball or making a play. I usually just ends up with him in the locker room and Jake Cave or Trevor Larnach playing center.

God bless you Byron for going out there and putting your body on the line for team, but could you just PLEASE be careful! But just in case you’re not…I’ve got a solution.

We’re Gonna Need Target Fields Help With This One

As the main image can clearly show I believe that we really could just litter the center field wall with pillows and other soft materials such as air mattresses and stuffed animals. Really anything that could help brace the impact of a grown man barreling into a wall at the fastest speed humanly possible. Houston has Mattress Mack, is there a Minnesota based bed company?

Now that’s all a little fucking silly, but in all honesty there’s got to be something we can do out there. The Twins really should bring this up as a safety deal for the players because what would really be the harm in adding just a couple of inches of padding? We’ll put absolutely nothing in center field (it’s actually juniper hedges) so the batter’s can see better. Let’s make it happen Target Field and MLB.

All jokes and silly things aside, I think it’s awesome that we signed Buxton long term. He’s something we can build around and the last thing we need is another David Ortiz. We all know he would have went to the Yankees or like the fucking Mets and been a hall of famer and a ton of World Series while we fail to mediocrity once again.

With the Twins signing Byron Buxton, all I and every other Twins fan want to see one thing. Buxton out in the field making the miraculous catches and the awesome arm flailing inside the park home runs. No one wants to see players get hurt, especially electric players like Byron Buxton. Whether it’s coaching or stuffed animals in the outfield, let’s just keep him healthy and on the field. Maybe one of these years we can win a god damn ring in this state. (Editor’s note: a ring would be nice, but I’ll settle for just one fucking playoff game at this point)

Honorable Mention

Another possible solution to our safety concerns in center field would be to create the Byron “Bubble Boy” Buxton suit to protect him.

I can’t take credit for this ridiculously silly idea on my own. The idea was given to me from the critically acclaimed film “Dude, Where’s My Car?”