As a Wisconsinite, there are a few things you constantly hear from Minnesota sports fans. Before I go there, I’m putting out the disclaimer that I’m a Twins and Wild fan. I have to do this because I know some of you little dirtbags already have your whitey tighties in knots because you think I’m going to talk some mean trash. I am…BUT I’m going to do it while completely realizing that I’m part of the problem. So let’s have a little fun, and do a little self-reflecting while we’re at it.
First, Minnesota sports fans love to tell you that Kirk will never win the Vikings a Super Bowl. At the same time, they also explain that they can’t win without him. Personally, I’m on Team Chainz for life.
Second, we are addicted to drowning in our own sadness and misery when it comes to playoff losses. This one’s fair because Minneapolis/St. Paul holds the current longest streak of the most consecutive seasons without a Championship at 118 seasons over 31 years. Sometimes I like to give updates to fuel the fire.
Lastly…now that I’m thinking about it, the first two pretty much cover everything. This got me thinking, why do we never celebrate the good moments? Is it the inner passive aggressiveness or are there just no good sports memories to celebrate? Then I remembered, there are a few things that get every Timberwolves, Wild, Twins, and Vikings fan to lose their mind. That would be free food baby. Every one of our teams offers fast food deals to keep our fat asses happy, and we’re ranking them.
Minnesota Sports Fans: Wild
Offer: BOGO Chipotle Entrees
This one’s a little bit of a teaser for us all. It only lasted one day (11/14/23), you had to wear Wild gear to the restaurant, and you still had to buy something. Decent deal for a date, but it doesn’t get us much further than that.
Minnesota Sports Fans: Twins
Offer: Twins Win and You Get 50% off Papa John’s Pizzas
I love me some Daddy Jonathan’s, but you can’t be #1 if you’re not giving the goods for free. I understand there’s a lot of games and a lot of winning, so you can’t hand these out like candy.
Minnesota Sports Fans: Timberwolves “Bricken for Chicken”
Offer: Opposing Player Misses Back-to-Back Free Throws in the 4th Quarter and You Get a Chick-Fil-A Original Chicken Sandwich with the Wolves App
This one easily has the best name and funniest premise. So, ranked #3 on the list might come as a surprise. However, it doesn’t happen enough to be at #1. Having said that, I’ve never heard the Target Center louder than when free Chick-Fil-A’s on the line.
Minnesota Sports Fans: Vikings
Offer: Vikings Score 2 TDs and You Get a Free Big Mac with Spending $1 on the McDonald’s App
You’re telling me all the Vikings have to do is score two touchdowns, and I can get a Big Mac Daddy for free as long as I spend a buck. They’re basically paying us to eat there. The Vikings hit it in 13-16 games this year, and it was a down year.
Minnesota Sports Fans: Timberwolves “We Have the Threes”
Offer: Wolves Hit 12 3s In a Game and You Get a Free Arby’s Classic Beef ‘N Cheddar
This one’s automatic, goes the whole year, and gets you a beef and ched with no other strings attached. Also, it holds a special place in my heart. No, not from the cholesterol, but from the fact that I wrote my first ever 10k blog about it.
You know, Minnesota sports teams might not always come through for their Minnesota sports fans’ dreams. But, at least they make sure we’re well-fed. Can you honestly ask for more than that?
I’m just the ugly stepson of the 10K family. Part Minnesotan, Part Wisconsinite. Half best friend, half mortal enemy. Can’t live with me, can’t live without me.