The Minnesota State High School Hockey Tournament is a tradition unlike any other in Minnesota. It’s our Masters, our Stanley Cup, our Super Bowl (Because the Vikings can’t win one). If you wonder why we are the State of Hockey, it’s because we are able to fill an entire NHL arena for our state tournament for some of the highest level hockey you will ever see children play. Do you think I’m going to these games because I have children? No chance. I can hardly take care of myself, let alone another person. I’m going to these games to revel in high level hockey and admire the hockey hair that these lads are sprouting.That’s right, along with the tradition of packing the Xcel Energy Center, the players partake in one of their own. They grow out the most obscure, unconventional, and downright disgusting hairstyles the human race has ever witnessed. Hockey and long hair go together like peanut butter and jelly. I don’t really understand why it’s that way, but I’m not important enough to make the rules. All I know is this; hockey hair rules.
So without further ado, here are what I think were the top 5 best hairstyles we saw in the 2023 State Tournament:
5. The Classic FroMan, I bet his parents who grew up in the 80s are proud. Statistically speaking, it was more common to have an afro in that decade than to not have one. There are a million different directions you can take this hair challenge if you have curly hair. This guy stuck to a tale as old as time and grew that shit out until it could barely fit in his bucket. There’s nothing ever wrong with keeping it simple.
4. The Prison Mullet
I don’t know if it’s truly the hair or the look on this kid’s face, but this whole getup looks like he’s planning on skipping college to turn a 12 pack of Budweiser into hard time. The stripes going across the side of his head like something that he didn’t want but earned. Getting the 4 stripes is a sign of respect from your fellow inmates that only few have the honor to wear.Knowing my luck, this is probably the nicest kid at school, but this haircut (and look) alone make me certain that this kid could beat me up.
3. The Dual Exhaust
Inspired by Wild and hockey hair legend Ryan Carter himself, the dual exhaust club is the upper echelon of mullet representatives. These guys are like the Navy Seals of rednecks. Based on the vehicular design of dual exhaust, most barbers in the US won’t allow you to earn this haircut until you have purchased over 10,000 tins of chewing tobacco.
FYI I’m already at the point of this list where I’m extremely jealous my hair doesn’t cooperate like this. When I grow mine out I look like a sad, wet dog.
2. The Jellyfish
Is that a UFO? No, it’s a high schooler’s hair who is playing in a hockey game. I’m not even sure what inspired this design, but it looks like a mushroom that’s stem didn’t grow in the right spot. Or a jellyfish that has all of its legs in the back.Shoutout to this kid for actually remembering to do the 180 turn for the camera. If this were my first tourney, I’d be extremely nervous and forget to turn around, ultimately wasting my golden moment. And if you don’t see the war crime his barber committed in the back, it just looks like a bowl cut and that’s not what hockey hair is all about.
1. The Clown Cut
Bald on the top and long on the sides is a haircut that clowns have owned since the beginning of time. It’s a trademark piece of an outfit that was designed to make people laugh. And boy did this kid do just that.
Every sports team needs the clown, the jokester, the one who keeps the boys light when they get shut out. And luckily, this guy was to the rescue when Alexandria got booted in the first round. It probably stung at first, but once this Pennywise-lookin’ kid took his helmet off he brought some levity to that long bus ride home. It reminded the boys not to take life too seriously.
As the tradition lives on, so does the hockey hair. These hairstyles and the trends we see have evolved quite incredibly over the years. The quality of hockey will only continue improve in the great state of Minnesota, as will the lettuce. Until next year, friends!
Founder & CEO of 10,000 Takes, featured on 100.3 KFAN, leaky goalie