Top 5 Men’s Bathrooms in the Twin Cities

Everything Else

Alright fellas, after months of research, countless urinations, and an inappropriate amount of time spent on public toilets, I have finally found the five best men’s bathrooms across the Twin Cities.

Mark these on your map for your next night out, and hopefully they bring you as much peace in dire times as they have me.

#5. Parlour – Saint Paul

I know it may not look like much, but this place has a few minor details that puts it in consideration for best in the Cities. First, the stall has more room that you know what to do with. You can really set up shop in there and make yourself at home. Second, the splash guards on the urinals are an unbelievable touch. Lord knows how many times I’ve pissed on my shoes with these things (might be a personal problem). How are these not more common? It’s 2023, all floor-level urinals should have these by now.

Cons, the hand driers knock it down on this list for me. I’m an old-fashioned brown paper towel type of guy. No need to get too fancy with Dyson driers. Just keep it simple. Also, the splash guards are a bit too narrow for my taste and kind of force you to put your feet together. I’m more of a believer in the spread and spray philosophy. Get comfy, mark your territory.

#4. MSP International Airport – Bloomington

As far as airport bathrooms go, this has to be towards the top in the country. A huge private room for a stall, the 7-foot-tall urinal dividers, the XL splash hogs, and it’s all classed up a bit with a marble backsplash. Can’t beat it. The urinal dividers even have a shelf for drinks and a spot for your luggage. Unbelievable.

Got to watch out for Senators trying to get sucked off here though, apparently it’s more common in MSP men’s rooms than you think.

#3. Tom Reid’s – Saint Paul

There’s absolutely nothing I love more than a trough with some fresh ice in it. Just standing there with the fellas, 4 beers deep, unloading the bladder on some fresh cubes. Nothing better.

I have yet to see the Tom Reid’s trough without a fresh batch of ice in it. TR’s is elite in every way, and the bathroom is no different.

#2. Varsity Theater – Minneapolis

This bathroom is wild. It’s really one of the places you have to see in person to fully understand. I think there was a bar in there? It was so different that I wasn’t entirely positive I was actually in a bathroom and felt slightly uncomfortable pissing in there for fear of peeing in the wrong place and getting arrested.

Either way, highly recommend.

#1. Fogo de Chao – Minneapolis

If there’s one thing a restaurant with an unlimited supply of meat needs, it’s a good bathroom, and Fogo checks that box and then some. Just look at how welcoming those stalls are. It’s a peaceful oasis that will soon become very un-peaceful as all of it’s future occupants are currently eating an unfathomable amount of exotic meats. Even the urinals have plenty of real estate for you to fully spread out and lay your claim. An all around elite bathroom experience in a place that needs it more than anywhere else.

Which bathrooms did I miss?

P.S. I am currently recruiting a female correspondent to gather intel on ladies rooms across the Twin Cities. I would do it myself, but apparently I’m “creepy” and “a pervert” for repeatedly trying to take pictures inside of women’s rooms.