It’s that time of year again. You probably woke up this morning thinking it was just another Wednesday morning. You brushed your teeth, got dressed, maybe made a little breakfast for yourself, and decided to browse Instagram before leaving for work. BOOM! It’s 7:30 A.M. and you’re blasted with 15,000 Instagram stories from everyone you’ve ever met showing off what music they’ve been listening to the last 365 days. The 2023 Spotify Wrapped has arrived.
For all of you Apple Music, SoundCloud, or radio listening or freaks out there, Spotify Wrapped is a yearly tradition where the app tells you the music artists and songs you’ve listened to the most that year. They create playlists for you based on this information, suggest other music and it’s a fun three-minute interaction once a year.
I’m a fan of Spotify Wrapped, I really am. But for the last three years, my top five artists have not changed a lick. Maybe that says more about me than anything else, but I’m starting to get bored with seeing what music I listen to. I need the real questions answered. Here are my top five things I want a 2023 Spotify Wrapped for.
#5 Raising Canes Trips I’ve Taken
Raising Canes is probably my favorite fast food restaurant and there are conveniently two locations within three miles of my house. It’s such an enticing place to stop because my order never changes, it’s a short drive and it is one of the few fast food restaurants that stays open till midnight.
I want a breakdown of how many times visited each location, the median time I visited, a percentage breakdown of Caniacs vs. Box Combos, and the total amount of money spent in a year. I think this would be extremely useful information I would really like to have as we approach the New Year.
#4 Times I’ve Said “We’re So Back” When Watching Minnesota Sports
Do you think I go to Canes a lot? That’s child’s play compared to the ‘hopeium’ I display on a weekly basis when cheering my favorite teams on. I’m sure I said it 1,000 times this NFL season watching the Vikings climb out of a rough 0-3 start to the season.
I’m a homer in every sense of the word. Sue me.
#3 Time Spent On The Toilet
You’re lying to yourself if you say you wouldn’t want to know the statistics of this. I wanna know the average time per trip, my top five most used toilets, and a total running clock of time spent on the pot.
This is extremely gripping information here people.
#2 Beers Consumed
If you’re like my friends and I, you’ve maybe had this conversation about a million times. It’s the age-old question every man in their 20s is dying to know, and in a perfect world, I would have a Spotify Wrapped for it.
I want a colorful bar graph of the different beers I’ve had, I need an average beer consumed per weekend statistic and I want my top five most in a single day. We could finally settle the age-old debate instead of throwing some baseless number out there and arguing about it for half an hour. Find a way to make it happen Spotify!
#1 Time Spent on the Golf Course
Now I know this is somewhat of a lazy number one because if I was truly plugging in all of my golf rounds into the 18 Birdies App, I could probably add up my total time golfing was. But the truth is, sometimes I shoot a 110 and I don’t want my handicap to skyrocket 10 strokes because I had one off day. Leave me alone.
I need a true and honest golf Spotify wrapped to snap myself back to reality when it comes to my game and to prove my friends were cheating when they said they beat me by one stroke. I want to see the total distance traveled on a course, what my best clubs were and you know what, even how many club slams I had.
Not like it’s gonna help my 18 handicap anyway…