What Mike Babcock Would Find On My Phone

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Sarge

Rumors have surfaced that Columbus Blue Jackets head coach, Mike Babcock, has been asking players to let him go through their phones. Spittin’ Chiclets has been making some noise from their latest episode about what’s happening in Columbus. I 10000% believe what Biz and Whit had to say. I know they say jokingly that they are a “players podcast” but they really are. Therefore they have no reason to make this up.

Just like to my ex-girlfriend, it seems as though Babs has some major trust issues. There’s no legitimate argument for him to even ask this of his players. Mike Babcock gives me a verbally abusive father/husband vibe who is way too into biking and just bikes 30 miles a day to avoid his responsibilities.

Now, I consider myself an open book with absolutely nothing to hide. Therefore if I was hypothetically on the Blue Jackets I would get ahead of this and AirDrop my entire library to Babcock. This is a little taste of what he’d see…

Poop Related Photos/Videos

Immediately Babcock would notice the alarming amount of feces sprayed throughout my photo library. As someone who suffers from adult poopy pants, professionally known as Irritable Bowel Syndrome, one of the ways to address the issue is to have fun with it and document the journey.

2020, is the year of sharting all over everyone and everything. I can’t take credit for this photo or shart but when the group Snapchat goes off you gotta be ready for the screenshot.

I’ve been secretly taking work poop selfies for a time-lapse. There are too many to count. A lot of poop on company time. You can always tell if it was a tough day by the matching outfit(s).

Great song and video credit to Brent Stern.

The story behind this photo here can be read here. Well worth the read.

Erotic Photos

As Babcock scrolls through my photo library, he becomes incredibly aroused by the sheer amount of erotic photos I have. This phone has been in my possession since 2016 and has stored some pornhub-worthy material!

I wouldn’t be shocked if he was really into feet. He would come across this masterpiece. It’s too close even for me and that is my foot. I’m not sure why but I felt the need to document that hack job of a toenail picking. A little taste for Mikey’s foot fetish.

This is my dear friend, Ben, who did not consent to this extremely erotic photo resurfacing 14 years later. Wonder what conclusions coach Babcock can draw up with this photo in my library?

My really naked cowboy impression just for Mr. Babcock. He’s probably into legs and I have legs for days. I’m still shocked at how long my legs look here/are. 90% legs.

No doubt in my mind that Bab’s cock would have a throbbing boner after seeing this photo. Someone told me that I should make this my business card for 10K. I might actually follow through with it. I’ll send one to Mike.

RIP to the ultimate party starter, my fur vest. I can’t even begin to tell you how many pp touches I almost had wearing the vest. SOOOO many. Mike would be the guy who would try to swoop in after you’ve done all the legwork. Scum.

My Face Photoshopped Into Various Harry Potter Characters

There’s no way Mike Babcock is a Harry Potter guy and would never understand why I took the time to photoshop my face into various Harry Potter characters, and then save them on my phone. I’m not sure why I did this but they turned out phenomenal.

If I were to grow out my beard any longer and gain 100lbs, I’d look just like the Sagrid (Hagrid + me). I feel like I could really pull off the Professor Snape look. That hair is perfect, which is the only thing Babcock has going for him. Great hair.

Photos of Children

Finally, towards the end of my photo library, he would find many pictures of children. One in particular, my nephew. But Babcock being Babcock would assume the worst.

I’m biased but he might be the cutest baby ever.

All kidding aside, I can’t believe Mike Babcock thinks that going through someone’s phone is like no big deal. What an out-of-touch idiot. I personally wouldn’t be bothered if anyone went through my phone aka why I wrote this blog. But I would never let my boss have free reign strictly out of principle. You can’t judge a person’s character based on pictures on their phone. I have so many memes saved on my phone. Wtf is that going to tell you about character?