What Should the New Minnesota State Flag Be? Here Are 7 Suggestions for Gov. Walz to Consider

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Unbeknownst to me, the Minnesota government voted to start a redesign of the state flag in order to replace our current flag which is filled with “poor design and offensive images”. Now, I’m not one to comment on what’s offensive and what’s not, but I do know that our current flag STINKS. It’s ugly, boring, and probably kinda racist. This redesign is a huge opportunity to finally get a flag that we can be proud of. Here are my 7 suggestions that Governor Walz needs to look over.

Note: if you’re one of those people who is actually upset that the flag is being changed, you need to touch grass. Who gives a fuck? It’s a flag. Anyone with a strong affection for a state flag (or certain old Southern flags) just might be the biggest loser of all-time.

Suggestion #1: Goldy Stiff Arm

This very well could be the best picture throughout the entirety of Minnesota’s history. Goldy burying a 12-year-old into the turf needs to be cemented in time forever. I need this photo outside of every Minnesota government building ASAP. The kid in this photo also perfectly describes every Minnesota sports team. Put this thing in the goddamn Lourve.

Suggestion #2: Vikings

There are honestly too many iconic Vikings photos to just pick one, so you gotta take your pick here. I’m personally leaning toward the Moss Moon as my choice. Randy might be the best Minnesota athlete of all time, and depending on which way the wind is blowing, we’d either always be mooning Wisconsin or North Dakota for the rest of time. I don’t hate Barr breaking Rodgers’s collarbone as an option, but ever since he signed with the Jets the photo just doesn’t hit the same. Minneapolis Miracle is a solid choice, but our history is probably more accurately described by the Blair Walsh kick.

Suggestion #3: Kirill

Nothing screams Minnesota more than this photo. It’s hockey, its wilderness, and its power all rolled into one. I don’t care that Kirill’s Russian or it’s actually Putin’s body. Kirill is our sweet prince and we need to proudly display and honor him in front of every school, city hall, and post office starting now. It will also serve as a warning for any out-of-state visitors to be on their best behavior, or else there’s going to be a wild Kirill coming after you on a fucking grizzly.

Suggestion #4: Sell It

Let’s be honest, nobody should really give a shit what the flag of their state is anyway, so we might as well make some money off of it. Let’s sell the flag to whoever will pay the most and cash the fuck in. I say we should sell every government sign we have while we’re at it. Imagine crossing the border and you see a huge sign saying “Welcome to Minnesota: presented by U.S. Bank”. Let’s start monetizing this shit and use that money towards things that actually matter like paying off local politicians so we can finally legalize sports gambling. And cocaine, let’s legalize that too while we’re at it, why the heck not?

Suggestion #5: Jesse Ventura

Former Minnesota Governor, pro wrestler, actor, and all-around cool guy. Say what you want about his politics, but this guy fucking rips. I honestly know very little about what he did during his time as Governor, but the simple fact that we elected a pro wrestler to be our governor needs to be commemorated. Was he a Democrat? A Republican? I don’t know and I really don’t care. A jacked former leader of our state with a machine gun and a mustache is good enough for me. Slap him on the flag.

Suggestion #6: More Vikings

I didn’t realize how many iconic photos there were of the Vikings, so including these here for consideration. 

P.S. I miss Ragnar. Viktor the Viking doesn’t even come close to the level of mascot he was. Viktor can’t hold Ragnar’s dick. Did you know he got fired because he asked for a $2 Million contract from the Vikings? Doesn’t matter, pay that man whatever he wants and bring him back.

Suggestion #7: Nothing

I say we keep the flag blank until a Minnesota team wins a championship, and whatever team wins first gets the right to have their logo on the state flag forever. We need a carrot to dangle in front of these teams since clearly whatever we’re doing now isn’t working. We don’t deserve a state flag right now. Flags & banners are for winners. That’s why the Confederate flag should’ve been banned a long time ago. Also because of the whole pro-slavery thing, that’s bad too. 

All we need is just one big, gray flag until someone wins, and then they can design the new flag however they like. Honestly, a plain gray flag might be better than our flag now, so it’s kind of a win-win either way.

So Governor Walz, what do you think? You have 24 hours.