Mascots are an integral part of any sporting event. Providing fans with additional entertainment and getting them hyped for the big game. Yet there is one attribute every good mascot possesses, and that is the ability to cause utter chaos.
I’m talking about when mascots truck kids during the halftime scrimmage to taunt opposing fans or when they literally eat the opposing team’s cheerleaders.They are ruthless and unforgiving. They let everyone know they are the kings of the stadium and fans shouldn’t attempt to screw with them.
With that being said, if each mascot dominates their own stadium’s domain, who would be the most dominant of the bunch? Is it Viktor Viking? P.K. of Minnesota United? What about the OG, Goldy Gopher?Don’t let their friendly nature fool you, either. There is clearly a hierarchy to the mascot world.
8. Prowl (Minnesota Lynx)
Who else didn’t know the Lynx had a mascot? I am sure I’m not alone.
While the Lynx are the most successful sports team in the state, having won four championships, they are still the butt of all Minnesota sports jokes. Because “No OnE wAtChEs WoMeN’s SpOrTs.” While some of the arguments are valid, no other team has come close to the Lynx’s success. However, their mascot, Prowl, leaves a lot to be imagined.
The name alone isn’t all that intimidating. Hell, the most intimidating aspect of Prowl are these horrific promos for the Lynx.Instead of being a fierce wild cat, Prowl comes off more like a predator. Not even the kind of predator in the wild. Instead, Prowl embodies a predator from Hollywood like Harvey Weinstein.
With that being said, the other mascots would likely realize this right off the bat and would take Prowl out immediately. Crunch would likely lead the charge after being sick of having to share a space with Prowl for the last 20 years.
7. P.K. the Loon (Minnesota United FC)
I love P.K. and Minnesota United. Soccer and the MLS is becoming increasingly popular in the United States, and I’m not just saying that because I worked for them for three years and still have season tickets.
However, P.K. isn’t the strongest mascot in the state. While I have seen him do some crazy shit during games and with fans, he is still too new to the scene and he likely wouldn’t know what to do against more tenured mascots.
While his beak and ability to “fly” could be used to his advantage, the lack of space in a cage match may lead to his demise. With loons being notorious for being unable to take flight with ease, P.K. would be stuck to the ground. Putting him on a level playing field against stronger and more experienced mascots.
Although, I still wouldn’t want to encounter those hellish red eyes in a dark alleyway…
6. Viktor Viking (Minnesota Vikings)
While the Vikings are an absolute dumpster fire right now, that doesn’t mean Viktor Viking is. Although I doubt he would make it far in this cage match, he could pull an upset and finish a few mascots off before meeting his own demise.
Viktor is also the only mascot in the Twin Cities to carry around a weapon. Something that should always come in handy. Yet one major weakness he possesses is his long hair, other mascots could use that to drag him down. Also, don’t let the muscles fool you. They’re all for show and he always skips leg day.
Maybe if he rode a Harley into games and was named Ragnar he would have a better shot…
5. T.C. Bear (Minnesota Twins)
Keeping with the trend of sinister eyes, T.C. Bear has a nasty pair himself. The dead, glazed over look he has could give anyone nightmares. Including these mascots. Outside of that, he doesn’t have a lot going for him.
Although he is a bear, he is a cartoon bear. More along the lines of Yogi Bear and Winnie the Pooh than the bear you see in the Revenant. Those love handles haven’t been kind to him either as a blocked artery would likely cause him to keel over before a mascot makes him.
However, he does have some seasoning to him having been around since 2000. That alone should give him a chance to at least make it interesting.
4. Mudonna (St. Paul Saints)
The only minor leaguer of the bunch, Mudonna doesn’t let her team’s status impact her ability. From her sensational dancing to her ability to mock attendees, she has it all. Her gorgeous eyes will draw in opposing mascots before she takes them down.
Plus, while T.C.’s weight may be a hindrance, Mudonna’s won’t. As she moves around with ease and has an ability to draw in her opponents with a mocking nature. Ensuring their guard is down before she knocks them out.
3. Crunch (Minnesota Timberwolves)
Crunch was a hard mascot to figure out how he would do. Would he mirror the product Glen Taylor has put on the court? Or will he embody his name and history? Having done everything from pies to the face to the cruelest thing I can think of: giving a fan a PS4 before taking it away.
Talk about sadistic.
2. Nordy (Minnesota Wild)
Look, I love hockey, and that Minnesota has the moniker “The State of Hockey”. But let’s be perfectly clear…Nordy initially comes off as a crappy mascot. Whether it’s his horrible design or awful name, he’s no Gritty.
However, Nordy has shown a side of sociopathic tendencies in the past. Even going as far as beating the Chicago Blackhawk’s mascot to within an inch of death during one of Nordy’s birthday celebrations.
Nordy uses his signature grin to lure in other mascots. Yet once they get close enough, that grin turns into a sadistic one as Nordy will tear through the opposing mascots with ease.
1. Goldy Gopher (University of Minnesota)
Before even beginning to think about where these mascots would likely end up, one stuck out over everyone else.
Goldy. Fucking. Gopher.
Not only is Goldy the king of the state when it comes to mascots, but he is among the best in the country. Not just for college sports either. From his head spinning exorcisms to pile driving opposing mascots on the sidelines and trucking kids during halftime. Goldy has consistently been the most ruthless of the bunch.
It is easy to see how Goldy would come out of this cage match on top. His wits, costume changes, and thirst for blood will give him the crown.