I have an odd fascination—I love food; one peep at me will tell you that. I look like somebody forgot a potato in boiling water for 32 years. Often I’m craving some form of grilled cheese, chips, BBQ ribs, ice cream, bacon, or any other food that gives us, in first world counties, the luxury of becoming fat. Those are the best kind. This is where my fascination comes in: imagine life before the advent of all the wonderful foods we have today. This is why I don’t feel bad about eating junk food and you shouldn’t either.
Imagine not ever craving a pizza (especially 7th Avenue Pizza) because you have no idea what the hell a pizza is. A quick Google search pulling up the scholarly website Wikipedia will tell you that before 1889, you couldn’t have a pizza. It’s no wonder the life expectancy was like 40-years-old. Nobody wanted to stick around longer than that.
Imagine never eating a taco or breaded and deep-fried foods. A life where the only Milky Way is deep in the sky. At some point between 1724 and 1913 BBQ sauce was invented, so let’s assume that everyone pre-1724 cried themselves to sleep every night because of the limited options they had to dip their chicken nuggets into… Oh, wait.
Want a milkshake? That’s too bad if you died before 1922.
A whole entire life, zero milkshakes. Nothing to bring all the boys to your yard. Milkshakes hit their peak in 2012 when Burger King did a limited run of Ginger Bread milkshakes. Why they haven’t brought them back is a mystery. Trust me, I’ve tried.
Another mystery is how the great depression happened seven years into the lifespan of the milkshake. You’d think something that fantastic could keep everything steady for a long time. But the great depression may actually be one of the best things to ever happen. (outside of the fact that it clearly wasn’t). Ritz crackers, Fritos, Snickers, Twinkies, Lay’s Potato Chips. All those beautiful things came to life while American lives were in shambles. Whenever somebody says junk food doesn’t cure depression, they’re wrong. Junk food saved this great county.
Some will say the best thing to come out of 1968 is the Chevy Camaro. Those people are wrong. Doritos came out in 1968, marketing directly to the people who would say the best thing to come out of 1968 is the Camaro.
1982 was a massive year. The Commodore 64 8-bit home computer was launched. The first CD album was sold. Thriller was released. But those all pale in comparison to the biggest thing to come out of 1982: Diet friggin’ Coke. (Officially just named Diet Coke, but that’s not as fun).
We like to complain about a lot of things going on in the world. We’re pretty good at looking at the glass like it’s half empty. But at least we have something more in our glass than dirty, warm water. We have Diet Coke., ice-cold beer, and the ability to order a cookie butter iced latte. (Imagine walking up to the first coffee shop in Talchtacalah, Constantinople in 1555 and ordering one of those suckers. You may have been murdered for being a witch).
Don’t feel bad about eating junk food.
Next time you’re having a political meltdown or can’t handle how slowly your phone is sending messages to space, pause for a moment. Remember that you have the ability to eat a cinnamon roll whenever the hell you want. Life could be a whole lot worse.
More articles by Nick Lewis
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I was in at least 3 people’s Myspace Top 8. I have as many NBA Championships as Tom Brady. I’m probably too old to be here. @NickLewis37