This is the journey of traveling through Wisconsin, the worst state in America.
It’s 1:23 AM and I just completed an 11-hour round trip to Madison, Wisconsin. Why did I go on this journey? Because my friend is addicted to Facebook marketplace and found a “steal” out in the shithead land of Madison. Being the dumb, fun, adventurous, never say no to a good time even if it may be a bad time son of a gun I am, I agreed to this journey.
Pick Up: No Idea, 3:00pm maybe?
Of course, the journey started with me driving to the Elk River area to pick up my friend. He forgot something because that’s what guys do… and out he ran with an already opened box of Cheez-its. Not to mention I am eating them as we speak because dumbo left them in my car.
Gotta Get Food: 3:30pm(ish)
Now comes the fun part. We got CANES. Nothing like hearing the click-clack duck what da fuck you want or whatever they start out with saying. Almost the perfect meal but nope the Dr. Pepper was flat and more watered down than a flat road that just got rained on.
Anyhoo, after eating in the parking lot we are finally ready to leave the beautiful Canes in Coon Rapids to continue our journey.
The Drive to Madison: 3:45-4pm(ish)
Stay with me here because this is where it gets fun. As we started the drive we first had to deal with a little bit of traffic. We then got through St Paul, which of course meant it was time to take a smoking break. I set my cruise control and this is where we encounter problem #1.
Problem #1: No Lighter
Cleaned & vacuumed my car out earlier today but never put back my lighters/other cords. What goes better than smokers having a perfectly rolled item but not having a lighter?
But Wait… There’s Always A Lighter. Sorta
Treasure Island BLESS YOUR HEART! Between the cracks of my fully reclined seat I found a pack of matches. Not just any matches, matches from Treasure Island when I also didn’t have a lighter. Everything went smoothly with the matches and we solved problem #1.
Problem #2: Realize Daylight Savings
Not even to the Wisconsin border yet and it’s dark. It was actually like 4:40pm and it was fucking dark. Who came up with this shit? And who wants to drive through Wisconsin for 6 hours in the straight dark? My brain is still programmed for it to be light out way later… I’m over this dark at 4 shit and it hasn’t even technically started yet.
Problem #3: Wisconsin
Problem #3 comes because we decided to cross the border into Wisconsin. The biggest issue was it was dark as shit and staring at a black road gets old really fast. Wisconsin should change its slogan to “the worst state in America”.
This is my experience driving across the worst state in America in the pitch black.
The Cops
First things first, we see a cop pulling someone over and going the other way… no big deal, it’s dusk. Until you see another cop clocking a minute later… And another person pulled over 2 minutes later… and another person 5 minutes after that. They made it clear in whatever town we were in they don’t play.
Kwik Trip
Cruising through Wisconsin (when you’re lucky enough to see a town) there’s at least a couple of Kwik Trips calling your name. No gas station will ever compete with Kwik Trip. Although gas was all that was needed, the experience was still worth talking about.
Why? Because Spotted Cows
Minnesota needs to stop being pussies and just allow normal liquor sales in their gas stations. Basically all states allow it, but one of the bright spots Wisconsin has is Spotted Cows. Throw a case in the trunk and move this journey along.
More Cops
After a few hours into this shitty state, one thing was apparent. Wisconsin cops don’t do jack shit other than sit with all their lights off in the pitch black and wait to pull people over.
I can’t even give the number of people I saw pulled over. You could drive around the entire day tomorrow anywhere in Minnesota and not see that many people pulled over. And don’t even get me started on the number of cops sitting with their dick in their hands in the middle of the road. Cops Cops Cops. Wisconsin sucks, Wisconsin sucks, Wisconsin sucks.
The Best Part Of The Drive
Vegas for kids. Wisconsin Dells. I haven’t been there in years, but this is by far the best thing Wisconsin has to offer. Waterparks and big hotels everywhere with a casino right in town. Why am I sitting in my apartment right now after driving through that town twice in a two-hour span?
Remember It’s Still Dark As Can Be Outside (It pissed me off that much)
Buying The Car: 8:10 PM
We arrived at a closed-down pizza place, in an empty lot that screamed “robbery” if you’re one of those people who watch the news every second of your life. Everything went smoothly. Turns out this really was a good deal.
I thought it would be funny if we got all the way out there just to not buy the car. He said it was a good deal from the start, and if there was ever someone to trust it’s that ditzo who lives for the marketplace.
Time To Turn Around And Drive Home
Right after we bought the car of course we had to go to Kwik Trip again because why not? Topped off on some gas and started the long, dark drive home. We knew how many cops we saw on the way there but man oh man those pigs were lazy fucks after they got their first meat on the night.
Cops Again
Me and my friend embarked on our two-car journey home joined by the thousands of truckers, trucking along through the cheesehead shithead state of Wisconsin. It was pitch black so eyes were peeled for any signs of any pig although you wouldn’t see them till it was almost too late. This is where we went through a 15-minute gauntlet of 3 lucky strikes.
Cop #1
After hours of darkness and being physically tortured in the state of Wisconsin we almost let Code Blue Cam win. If you aren’t familiar with what Code Blue Cam is, it’s a YouTube channel that shows intense cop clips that usually happen in Wisconsin. I always wondered how they had so much crazy shit happen but when you unleash a million dogs every night you’re eventually bound to come back with food.
Cop #1 just was unlucky truth be told. My friend decided to randomly go 90-95 without realizing and 20 seconds after I texted him guess what’s up ahead. You guessed it, cop #1! Just a mile farther and the pig finally had his food to eat. Strike one.
Cop #2
Cop #2 is actually a deer. Not the million dead deer chilling on the side of the road in Wisconsin. About 5 minutes after the lucky cop miss, a deer sitting in the middle of the highway almost decided to try its luck against a car moving at 85MPH. Luckily for cop #2, he could move like Tyreek Hill and screeched the other way. Strike two?
Cop #3
Every time any of these things were happening it was an instant text. We were desperate for entertainment, sometimes I would switch lane to lane because I was that bored. I warned him after the deer that things come in threes so we should watch our speed till we got back to a state that doesn’t have cops drinking coffee and eating donuts in the middle of the road with their dick in their hands. Then we went by 2 cops sitting side by side. I was going 83 (70 MPH speed limit) but my friend was going faster than me. And guess what happened? They didn’t do shit.
Complaining? Not at all. Just could never happen in an actual good state like Minnesota.
Freedom
Finally, sometime after midnight we finally crossed back into the free fresh air of America when we approached the bridge to Minnesota. I felt instant relief when I could actually see the roads again, and could actually go above the speed limit knowing our police officers had better things to do than wait for speeders.
That’s Why Madison Is The Worst City In America
If you came into this blog expecting different reasons why Wisconsin sucks unfortunately I don’t have them. Truth be told I could barely see a damn thing because Wisconsin sucks so bad. Why anyone would ever want to associate themselves with this state blows my mind. Shitty Sports, shitty state…. with shitty dark roads…. and super lazy police officers that don’t actually protect against crime. Maybe that’s why they just sit in the middle of the highway and pull random people over hoping it’s their next big drug bust.
So yet again, that is why Wisconsin is the worst state.
Was This Blog Just A Rant About How Dog Shit Of A State Wisconsin Is/ How Bad Daylight Savings Time Is?
Yes, thanks for coming.
Some people call me MarTy and some people call me Ryan. Wildcard when it comes to my writing. #FadeMe if I ever tweet out “locks”.