Now that the NBA playoffs are in full swing and we’ve had time to digest the All-NBA teams that were announced last week, it’s time for by far the most important team of the last 200+ years – the All-President Team.
Point Guard: George Washington
This may seem like a square pick to start, but there’s no other president I’d want running my offense. Former Army Commander and field general. His skill set easily translates to calling the plays and being the ultimate floor general. Unselfishly giving up the presidency after two terms leads him to be the ultimate team guy on the hardwood. Has a history of not respecting authority, so might end up being a coach’s nightmare and the wooden teeth might hinder his ability to call plays, but we’ll stick to hand signals and call it a day. He was America’s #1 overall pick for president, he’s an easy choice to run the 1 in my offense.
Shooting Guard: John F. Kennedy
He undoubtedly has the looks of a great 2 man. The Shooting Guard should always be the best-looking person on the team IMO much like a quarterback & shortstop, and JFK’s got IT. Standing at 6’1” he’s not going to be able to elevate much over defenders, but he’s got a connection with shooting from a distance that I just can’t pass up. Cons include poor defense on perimeter attackers and poor vision & awareness, but this is purely an offensive pick. Points points points.
Side note: If Lee Harvey Oswald was eligible, I would have taken him here no questions asked.
Small Forward: Barack Obama
Easy pick here. Active basketball player and NBA fan, a real student of the game. Has the length we need on defense to make up for JFK’s inability to stop lethal shooters and has the ability to be absolutely wet from three. He’s also been proven to hit the big shot when it counts and occasionally dispose of the opponent’s body into the Arabian Sea. Why would he want to dispose of a body you ask? No fucking clue, but it’s always good to have a wild card on your team. Also easily has the most drip of any president, so he’s my early favorite to come off the team bus in a ridiculous Kyle Kuzma-style outfit and you need a guy like that.
Power Forward: Ronald Reagan
Not gonna lie, this pick is purely off looks and height alone. Turns out there hasn’t been a ton of tall presidents, so the choices here are pretty slim. Gonna have to play some small ball here. Ronnie’s still a good fit at the 4 though. He’s got the good looks of a star player and will bring Nancy with him which is good for everyone on the team. Might have a great opportunity for some Phoenix Suns-style team bonding there. Going to be a solid piece in the paint. Just don’t let him make any team policies or financial decisions.
Center: Abraham Lincoln
This is really the only logical pick here. We needed height down low and the only other president over 6’3” is LBJ which would’ve been horrible for team chemistry considering he put the hit out on JFK (allegedly). Either way, Lincoln was a wrestling champion in high school which gives him the potential to be an absolute bruiser and game-wrecker down low. Am I nervous he has a past of not paying attention to the man behind him? Absolutely. As long as he keeps his head on a swivel, avoids the theater, and cleans the glass, he’ll be a double-double machine in the league.
6th man: Teddy Roosevelt
TR is going to be an absolute madman off the bench. This dude’s an automatic 6 fouls every night, but he’ll wear down the other team’s star player to no end. Picture a more violent Ben Wallace. Roosevelt used to box in the Oval Office so much he went blind in one eye. That may hinder his court vision a bit, but he’s not there to score points anyways. He’s there to wreck shit. Teddy would be a starter on any other team, but we get him coming off our bench like a pitbull frothing at the mouth to get in and draw a charge. Dude’s gonna need an IV after every game like Dellavedova after guarding Steph in the Finals. Ultimate team guy.
That’s the squad. Who got snubbed?
P.S. would have loved to pick Slick Willy but he would most likely pull some Delonte West type of move that would destroy the locker room. Clinton has to wait this time.